Thursday, 29 July 2010

• 5 Phrases Guaranteed to Melt Your Lady’s Panties

  
  

  "Abracadabra” and “Open Sesame” are great opening lines. Literally.

  You can even do, “Open, says me” if you’re employing geeky, pun master persona. After all, it’s nice to throw a pencil skirt-sporting librarian into the mix every now and then.

  But once your lines are starting to run low, you’ll need to up your game with some super-phrases. You know, time-tested tactics employed by men for millennia.

  Just remember, these tricks are one-time-use only – they’re so potent, your woman won’t soon forget when you…

   

  …Underestimate Her Weight

  In case weight comes up conversationally, prepare to underestimate her weight by a significant, but not unrealistic amount. For convenience, I’ve listed the weight by body type of a 5’4” woman below: 
  
  Skinny = 122 lbs.
  Fit/Muscular = 130 lbs.
  Average = 138 lbs.
  
  Add 3 lbs. for every extra inch of height, and subtract 2 lbs. for every inch under 5’4”.
  Once you know your woman’s likely weight, guess that she weighs 6 pounds less, rounded down to the nearest 0 or 5.
  And while you’re at it, why not… 

   

  …Overestimate Her Height

   If she’s 5’7”, tell her you think she’s 5’9”, because women love being told that they’re taller than they are.
  
  She’ll say it’s her heels, or giggle and gently chide you for being a dummy, but you’ve secretly just earned points on the Good Guy Scorecard.
  
  But let’s say your gal is the cynical type. She might see through your ruse. In that case, tell her that she “has the stature of a taller woman.” Tell her that she has “poise, and comes across as self-aware.” She’ll be distracted, because no one has ever complimented her so thoroughly before.
  
  If that doesn’t work, try telling her…

  

  “…You Have Beautiful Eyes”

  This works best the morning-after, when you’re idle between the sheets. She’ll still be groggy, and her skepticism won’t have kicked in yet, because you’ll never get away with a line like this when she’s fully conscious.
  
  Just look into her eyes, when you’re face-to-face. Smile, and compliment her eyes. She’ll blush, or she’ll playfully punch you. If you successfully block the punch, then – by the internationally recognized rules of bedroom frolicking – you’re allowed to place her hand wherever you like. Take full advantage of that morning stiffness, bro.
  
  Worst case scenario, she’s grossed out and climbs out of bed to shower up, apply some make-up, and start the day.
  When you see her, say…

   

  “…Wow, You Look Really Pretty Without Makeup On.”

  Of course, she’ll have makeup on when you say this. That’s the point: Use Male Ignorance to your advantage.
  
  Part of her will think you’re an idiot. Okay – most of her. But part of her will remember your kindness, because male leads say this kind of stuff all the time in Nicholas Sparks novels. Not that I’ve ever read one.
  
  Bro Tip: Women are majorly self-conscious about their looks in the morning, before they’ve “put their face on.” And yes, it is shocking to see her without eye shadow. But you’ve got to man up and treat her right, regardless, or you’ll never be invited into the shower for a pre-brunch quickie.
  
  And if all else fails, this gem will get you out of the doghouse and into her drawers:

  

  “…It’s Crazy, and I’ve Never Had This Happen Before, but I Seriously Like All of Your Friends. Like, For Real.”
  

  Every girl seeks validation from her girlfriends, and you have to like all of her friends, if you’re going to get anywhere with your lady.
  
  She’ll reply by deferring the statement, and say something about that one friend, the one that no one in her circle is actually friends with, but they all hang out anyway, because they were Freshmen hallmates.
  
  Do not fall for this trap.
  If you respond by supporting her critical assessment of said friend, then she’ll think that you talk about her behind her back. Instead: defend the friend with a non-specific statement of support. Something like, “Well, she seems cool to me.”

  All that’s left now is to steer the conversation towards talk of a threesome.

  Just make sure that she and her friend are wearing makeup at the time.

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