I randomly came across an online article entitled
"10 Marriage Rules You Should Break" written by Denise Schipani for Womensday.com. Going through the author's ten main points, it struck me that most if not all of these can be applied to relationships as well. That said, I'd like to share them with you, fellow Datingish readers.
(Please note that all ten tips are credited to the article's original author)
1) Never go to bed angry. Now for me, there's nothing worse than trying to sleep when I'm angry with someone. I lay awake, tossing and turning, seething about all the things I should have and could still say. But, if you're unlike me, and need time to mull over disagreements, I can see where this one would be healthy once in a while. As we all know, it's all about communication and knowing what works in a relationship.
2) Always be 100% honest.
This one speaks for itself. Sometimes it's just best to keep the "You're going to wear
that to my sister's wedding?" or "Did you forget your deodorant today?" comments to yourself.
3) Never vacation without each other.
Um. Duh? Sure, there's nothing better than a romantic get-away with my honey, but sometimes a cruise with the girls or guys' weekend in Vegas is just what the doctor ordered.
4) If you fight you're headed for divorce, or in this case, a breakup.
This tip is more circumstantial than anything else, but I think the author is trying to instill some peace of mind in her readers. Often times, in relationships, we can get caught up in the petty little disagreements. And when those disagreements begin to compile, it's natural to take that as a sign for the end. But hey, we're human! Fighting is healthy! According to Schipani, "
You need to find ways to fight healthily and productively (without blaming, name-calling and the like), but that said, being committed to respectfully airing out conflicts is a far better rule than 'keep your mouth shut.'" Well said.
5) Once you have children, they come first
Maybe this one isn't as applicable to all of us, but just because someone has a child doesn't necessarily mean he or she is married. Again, look at the bigger picture. Relationships are all about balance, and a big part of that balance is making time for the actual relationship itself. Sure, life gets in the way, but take the author's advice and let the other things take the back seat once in a while.
Hope you've enjoyed these first five tips as much as I have! Stay tuned for the next batch!
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Comments (29)
I don't agree with most of them..
@Hinase@xanga - I agree.
You should never go to bed angry. You should always be honest. You really shouldn't vacation alone because that leads towards way to much temptation.
Stupid advice.
Or do you mean relationship rules that should not be broken? Why would anyone want to break any of these "rules"?
@flawsnall@xanga - Confusing post is confusing.
4) If you fight your headed for divorce, or in this case, a breakup.
^^^*you're
That is all. (:
Honestly, it really depends on who you and your SO are. Some couples may be able to do some of those things and some may not. I don't believe in any kind of rules for dealing with a relationship because who you are changes how you deal with things.
Anyways that is not why I am commenting on this, really, I saw this article on my Yahoo News about 3 months ago..
I do disagree with the last three, but the first two are just fine in my book. In order to never go to bed angry, you have to do some fast-paced conflict resolution, which is an excellent skill. And the make-up make-outs aren't bad either. And being 100% honest never hurt anyone who has at least a modicum of self-esteem.
@TruthOfRain@xanga - I can't be angry at my bf for too long..because he doesn't do most of the stuff on purpose. I can't be mad at anyone for too long unless what they did was completely douchebag worthy. And there has been a lot of those people lately.
@TruthOfRain@xanga - Yeah, I used to think the same thing about 'never go to bed angry'....you really shouldn't!!! And then, I got married. Reality struck...and guess what? It is better for my relationship if we go to bed angry. Why? Because when you have a sick three month old and you've been fighting all day long and the fight continues well into the 2am period. Guess what? You're more than exhausted. You need sleep or else the fighting gets worse and it all escalates until you are at each others throats. Go to bed angry, wake up less angry and less exhausted with a clearer mind so that you can properly resolve the conflict.
#3 is where it gets tricky in my opinion. I'm okay with the hubby going out with the boys on a fishing trip for a day or two, but if it's a full-blown vacation to Vegas or something then hell no! Anything more than two days causes too much temptation, especially if you are going to a seedy area. I'm not saying that you can't get away from your SO, because it's really good for the relationship if you do, but there are some boundaries that need to be in place with this rule.
@Escapists@xanga - I was just going post that.
These would probably work if you're fuck buddies or in an open relationship.
For me, personally, most of these would cause problems. A vacation to Vegas with the boys??? No, mam. I don't know about yall but my boy's friends are all single and they all like to get DRUNK. I know if he was around that for a while it would rub off on him. I'm okay with a night out, but a full blown vacation is uncalled for. Okay may be they can go camping :)
Going to bed angry is a big nono. The longer I sit there thinking about something, the more pissed off I get. I want it resolved as soon as possible, I don't care if we're up all night, as long as by the end of it we're holding each other. The only exception is if the argument continues to escalate, then it's best to walk away.
And are you seriously recommending we don't be 100% honest? What is a relationship without trust, and trust comes from honesty. If my boy stinks, I tell him so and you know what, we usually laugh about it. There's nothing wrong with looking out for eachother, just be kind about it. I HATE LIES.
And if you fight ALL THE TIME, it's clearly not a healthy relationship, and you probably should break up. Sure you may say you aren't headed for the end, because you're probably just headed towards domestic violence.
Lastly! Children should come first. That doesn't mean you can't take a vacation with eachother or hire a babysitter once in a while, but when it comes down to it they are now your responsibility and nothing should come before that.
Goodbye :D
@mycontinuity@xanga - I re-read the line, a good 5 times before I realized it was supposed to be you're. I was so confused.
@AtLeastWereStillAlive@xanga - I think going to bed angry can work out, depending on the personalities involved. I need time to sort things out, so sleeping on it is usually good for me. Obviously, it wouldn't work for you, because you said yourself you'd just stew on it all night.
As for fighting all the time, it happens, especially in the first 5-7 years of marriage. You have the honeymoon phase where everything is perfect and you never fight, and then you have the phase where you fight about everything, from bills to who cleans the kitty litter box. Neither state lasts forever, and if you love each other enough, you can work through the fighting. So many people are so quick to give up on a relationship (especially a marriage, if you're just dating and you fight all the time, that's not normal) just because they have fights and everything around them says they should be blissful. My husband and I are going through this phase right now, and yeah, we've been in it for a while, but I don't think that means we need to get divorced. On the big issues, we agree (how many kids and how to raise them, where to live, important values). We're also both depressed right now, which plays a factor in how often we fight. It doesn't mean it's time to pack out bags and cut our losses.
I hope Denise Schipani didn't use "your" instead of "you're" in the heading for number 4.
@Escapists@xanga - Ahh I can't believe I did that. One of my number one pet peeves. eep.
@AtLeastWereStillAlive@xanga -
"For me, personally, most of these would
cause problems. A vacation to Vegas with the boys??? No, mam. I don't
know about yall but my boy's friends are all single and they all like
to get DRUNK. I know if he was around that for a while it would rub off
on him. I'm okay with a night out, but a full blown vacation is
uncalled for. Okay may be they can go camping :)"
not every woman needs to be that controlling. i probably like getting wasted MORE than my guy, so it'd be hypocritical to tell him not to. but here's the real question for you: do you not trust your guy enough, or do you really see him as that impressionable? if so, i think you have bigger problems. if drinking was that big of a turn-off for me, i wouldn't even date a guy who'd be tempted.
"Lastly! Children should come first. That
doesn't mean you can't take a vacation with eachother or hire a
babysitter once in a while, but when it comes down to it they are now
your responsibility and nothing should come before that."
children are only going to be around until they move away and have their own families. and then what? a relationship is something that has to be worked on. do you really think that after about 18 years of letting it come second, it'd still be the same? that's why divorce happens. you're just as responsible for your marriage as you are for your children. for me, my SO will always come first. he's way more than just a way to have children, he's my best friend.
i absolutely agree with all of these.
i hardly ever go to bed angry, but i have no problem doing it. i always thought that people who refuse to sleep angry just make things worse... because now, you're arguing until the sun comes up. you're pissed off AND tired. any resolution you come to should be made rationally, not because you're desperate for sleep.
100% honesty is overrated. part of being an adult and being in a mature relationship is learning what really matters. does my SO think some of my clothes make me look fat? probably, because i do too. does that mean he needs to say it? not so much.
if you really REALLY think your guy will be tempted to do something he shouldn't, you have a problem already. if you have to actively prevent him from doing things you don't like, that's just as bad as him actually doing them. i wouldn't waste my time with a guy who needs to be babysat. if he's good for you, he's 100% trustworthy. treating him like a child you have to supervise won't help the relationship. and usually, i find that women have a double standard. it's fine for them to go out and get wasted, but not the guys.
i fight with my SO a lot. i'm competitive, and he hates that. but for me, fighting is how i work things out. and it's way healthier than that passive aggressiveness i usually see in couples. refusing to fight isn't a positive sign if you really are mad at him.
as for kids: some day, they'll be gone. i don't want to be 60 years old and feel like my husband is a complete stranger. i still want him to be my best friend. it's my job as a mother to raise my children to be wonderful adults. i don't need to put them before my marriage to do that. and any woman who lets their marriage fail because of their children shouldn't be surprised when they're served with divorce papers, or when he cheats on her. relationships take work.
@stateofhart - It's cool. Haha. My English teacher was a stickler for you're/your and their/there/they're, so it pops out.
i agree with number 1 only... i tend to do that when i'm in an argument with an SO... and it makes it that much harder to go to sleep with all the shit that's been said on my mind... the rest i'm not sure about...
@Escapists@xanga - Thank you. That was bugging me as well. Haha.
@AtLeastWereStillAlive@xanga - @too_pretty_to_die@xanga - @stateofhart - I think children should come first especially when they are very young, but it is important for them to see their parents being in love and everything that comes with that territory- showing affection, fighting, discussing things, etc.
Divorce happens for alot of reasons.... but for you to imply that children are the reason sounds very absurd and naive to me. While some marriages fail because there is some level of "uncommitment" to the relationship, most marriages fail because of financial reasons. This said "uncommitment" could come from many different sources like your career, addictions, "baggage" that was carried over into the marriage or just outright neligence.
If anything, some parents fight and fight with each other but stay together just for the sake of the children. Once the children leave the nest, they think it is the right time to separate. It is simply coincidental that the parents separate as the children become more independent.
Relationships do take work. I hate to say it but in the majority of households, though, the woman is still the primary caretaker of the kids and the house. It's not her fault if the husband cheats on her because she was tending to her responsibilities. It was his act and his act alone. The husband needs to ask himself what he can do to help his wife. And let's not be stereotypical here by saying that the man is the one who always cheats. I think every person should be sensible enough to know when their spouse is neglecting them or simply overburden with work.
Sufficed to say, I don't like this attitude of "Oh, someday my kids will be gone so I can just do a half-ass job raising them and live happily ever after with my husband..."
Believe me, nothing is more defining of your character than how you treat others. Maybe that's not how you meant to word things, but I just did not like the way you said it.
@CrossYourHeart21@xanga -
"Divorce happens for alot of reasons.... but for you to imply that children are the reason sounds very absurd and naive to me."
i didn't say children are the reason. i said not putting your marriage first is the reason. honestly, why would you want to marry anyone other than THE most important person in your life?? if you already know children take that spot, just cut out the middle man and adopt or use a sperm bank. it just seems like you're arguing in favor of downgrading the person who should ideally be your best friend and soul mate to someone you just keep around for convenience. sure, you can hope that when all is said and done there will still be a spark of romance once the kids leave and it's just the two of you. but i wouldn't want to risk it.
"It's not her fault if the husband cheats on her because she was tending to her responsibilities."
she's equally responsible to him, as he is to her. marriage is an equal partnership, assuming you want it to be. remember that whole "love and cherish" part of wedding vows? that shouldn't just disappear because you become a parent.
"Sufficed to say, I don't like this attitude of "Oh, someday my kids will be gone so I can just do a half-ass job raising them and live happily ever after with my husband..."
Believe
me, nothing is more defining of your character than how you treat
others. Maybe that's not how you meant to word things, but I just did
not like the way you said it."
one, can you provide evidence that the ONLY way to be a good parent is to make your children your first priority? i don't understand your all-or-nothing perception. you wouldn't say someone is a terrible employee because their job isn't their first priority, would you?
two, you should read this: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/27love.html
i think the article sums it up beautifully. but this tidbit is more to the point: "Yes, I have four children. Four children with whom I spend a good part
of every day: bathing them, combing their hair, sitting with them while
they do their homework, holding them while they weep their tragic tears.
But I'm not in love with any of them. I am in love with my husband...my husband will say that we, he and I, are the core of what he
cherishes, that the children are satellites, beloved but tangential. "
i cannot imagine loving anyone more than my future husband, including my children. if i could, i probably wouldn't want to even marry him. if you think that i, and the author of that article, are bad mothers because we'd love our husbands more than our children, then so be it. your judgment doesn't matter to me.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - Woah Miss, controlling? Never once did I say he can't get drunk. He goes to his friends house plenty of times during the week and drinks. HIS FRIENDS get drunk far more often and are with a different girl every night, I've been around it for over a year now. So what I'm saying is there is no way in hell I would be comfortable with him going to Vegas for an extended period of time around those sort of people.
Are you trying to say I'd be a bad wife for putting my child first? When they're a BABY I'm not going to abandon it just to fuck my husband so we keep the spark alive. Taking care of the kid comes first, of course I'll make time for my husband and get a babysitter and make time for say like, a date night once a week, but until my child can fend for itself, I will not put anything above them. I'd hope the man I marry feels the same.
But, to each her own. Relationship rules are different for every person, it's whichever way suits them best.
@CrossYourHeart21@xanga - I do agree with you. Children should be shown a loving relationship, I grew up in a household where this was absent, and I've had trouble because of it in my own relationships. What I don't understand is why people think JUST BECAUSE you put your child first, the marriage will fail. As long as the marriage isn't put last, then it should be able to work. Putting a kid first will not ruin your marriage, if anything both parents should be ENJOYING parenthood together, it should bring them closer!!!
@Covergirl_For_Sanity_Fair@xanga - Exactly, I didn't mean for a marriage. But if you're dating and constantly fighting, obviously the marriage would be unhappy. Marriages should have fights, there's more to worry about, you have bills, children, you're always together, it's understandable for things to get heated, but as long as you communicate effectively enough to know the both of you WANT to work through it, there's nothing to worry about.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - Agree with you on everything you said :)