Tuesday, 27 July 2010

• 5 Places Where the Girl-to-Guy Ratio is Like 50-to-1

  Screw the all-girls college, man – I’ve found some siiiick new joints where there is not a sausage in sight.

  But, real quick: Three things to keep in mind before diving into the abundant pools of ladyparts I’m about to present:

  First, Unpop your collar. Chicks dig necks, especially muscular ones like yours.

  Second, Lay off the hair grease. The babes at these places prefer a more natural look. I know, I know – they’re tasteless, but it’s a small sacrifice to make.

  And, finally, take it easy on the Acqua di Gio – like a quarter the usual amount… so, that’s eight sprays for the chest, four apiece for both armpits, but keep the crotch at its typical ten squirts.

  Anyway, roll solo to these scenes, and you will be hardcore macking in no time.

  Farmers Market

  You’ll have to wake up before 3 p.m. on a Saturday, for a change, but I promise it’ll be worth it. Just make sure to bone up on your hippie vocabulary, so you can bone some skinny vegan chicks. 

  Local, Organic, Biodynamic, blah, blah, blah. All this means is that the arugula will have worms in it, be disgustingly brown, and cost four times more than usual. Not that you’ve ever bought arugula before, Or any vegetables, for that matter.
  

  Bro Tip: There’s this sustainable food author named Michael Pollan that gets the ladies super wet. You don’t have to know any of his books. Just repeat the following: “Have you read the latest Michael Pollan? It’s delightful. Let me tell you, reading his work has really changed the way I think about food.”

  You are so in there, bro.
   

  Swing Dancing 

  Sources tell me that there are never any guys at swing dances, ever. I’ve heard stories of women lining up to clutch sweaty men to their bodies, and thrust and bump in the dark. Like, chicks will actually fight over you, dude. Sure, it’s different from your usual music, but there’s an added bonus: Women won’t even be pissed when you stomp on their cute shoes, because they’re just happy they aren’t the manless fugly wallflowers on the edge of the dancefloor.

  Extra Added Bonus: Sometimes, the fuglies get so desperate to dance, they will pair up with another chick. So, not only will girls fight over you, and you can suck at dancing but it doesn’t matter… You will also see girl-on-girl action, probably all night long.

  
  Church

  The biggest downside to dating religious gals is that they are almost always super prudish. So, you should have the discussion early on as to whether blowjobs count. That’s the make-or-break for church chicks. 

  This can get annoying, though, because she may want you to “meet her parents” before anything goes down. Rest assured, you’re in the clear, since you’re probably twice the man that her dad is. Unless you live in the South, in which case, her dad was starting defensive lineman for the state university. Just stay away from those girls.

  Sidenote: If you aren't religious, and don’t feel like faking it, just fake some volunteering, instead. You know, food shelter, animal rescue… that sort of stuff. It’s like the agnostic version of church.

   

  Bed, Bath, and Beyond

  Chicks love shopping for makeup removers and throw pillows and frozen margarita makers, so boogie down to the local strip mall to “browse the merchandise,” if you know what I mean.

  And since the women know that they will be judged by the other women at BB&B, they dress in pretty things and do their makeup nice and non-sluttily. (Want to know a secret? Women actually do themselves up more for other women, than they do for guys.)

  Bro Tip: Late July into early August is the perfect time to cruise BB&B for quality babes, because you get a double-whammy: college-bound freshmen AND their hot MILF moms, too.

   

  Kickball

  I joined a rec league kickball team the other month, and there are 12 girls on my 17-member team.

  Sure, we have three different Caitlins, but it’s easy to tell them apart: The One with the Burn Scar, The One from Oklahoma, The One that Looks Like Demi Moore. See? Easy.

  The greatest challenge here is to curb your competitive streak. I know it hurts, but you’ve got to let them drop the ball and run like girls and not be able to throw at all. If you bulldoze them to catch every ball, and peg the other team’s girls really hard, then the ladies on your team will think you’re an ass.

  Yea, you and I both know that you’re in it to win it, but ask yourself this: Is it better to win on the kickball field, or in the bed room? I think you know the answer: Both.

  So ignore the unathletic chicks, and focus your kickball time and energy on the girls with the greatest competitive drive. Because no one wants to hook up with a loser.

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