Monday, 26 July 2010

• No, You May Not Call it a "Meat Wallet": Silly Hoo-Hoo Nicknames

  
  Up much too late last night and caught in that hopelessly-stuck-on-the-internet frenzy, I decided to Google slang terms for "vagina." Imagine my surprise when my search bore 92 results. Lord. I can't even think of ten words for my hoo-hoo (yes, hoo-hoo).
  
  But first, allow me to explain my strange urge to research names for our lovely, lady bits. The other night, my boyfriend was talking to me about his man parts (as apparently he delights in that activity), and he addressed them by name: KC and the Sunshine Band. I thought to myself: "Why doesn't my vagina have a name? She's awfully deserved of one!"
  
  So I embarked on a quest to name my love tunnel.
  
  At first, the results were fruitless: do you know how many repulsive names there are out there for our vajayjays? (...including, in fact, vajayjay)
  
  Here are a few of my favorite silly nicknames-- ranging from flagrant misnomers to cute, accurate titles
  
  1) Pussy 
  This is by far the most popular vagina slang term, but I can't even bring myself to say it aloud. First of all, it's a gross word. Like "moist" or "ointment" or "rural"-- it just doesn't sound nice when it crawls out of your mouth. Second of all, while I realize it isn't pronounced like "puhsse," I can't help but associate it with the word "pus," which is just repulsive.
  
  2) Meat curtain
  I caught my guy friend saying this the other day. It may have been the funniest thing I had heard all week.
  
  3) Poon tang
  Where the hell does this word even come from? Well, you're in luck-- I also looked this up (if for no other reason than to chuckle when I look at my google search bar, which now reads "poon tang etymology." Apparently, this phrase most likely came from the Louisiana French word "putain," meaning "whore." Huh... kinda takes the whimsy out of that phrase, now doesn't it!
  
  4) Cooter
  I actually think this word is adorable. Especially because alternate definitions for it include "a small, snapping turtle," which is a hilarious (and horrifying) way to think about your woo.
  
  5) V'jam (prnounced vaJAM-- you have to yell the last bit)
  This is my absolute favorite. It's probably the only word I've heard for vagina (other Xena: Warrior Princess-- my roommate's name for her Down Under) that sounds powerful.
  
  I like that idea-- the idea that a vagina's name should sound powerful, and not be a synonym for "wimpy" like (shudder) "pussy." It just seems so funny to me that there are so many odd, innapropriate nicknames for vaginas that mostly stem from offensive terms. So it's time for us to either embrace some sweet, powerful new nicknames, or start ironically using the word "beaver" enough so that we claim it proudly as our own.
  
  And to be fair, there are lots of lady things that should be named differently. For example, I call my period, in a somewhat grammar nerdy way, my "exclamation point." Whenever I get it, I always react either with "Damn! I got my period! Sigh.. I really liked these Rugrats underwear!" Or "YES! I got my period! Time to tell my boyfriend we survived another month!" It's always an exclamation point-worthy scenario.
  
  Also, I hate to rule out guys with this-- they've got some pretty ridiculous names for their genitalia. And, as I discovered the other day, they have the unfortunate luck that a dysfunctional penIS can be called a "penISN'T."
  
  But at least they have sweet symbolism that goes along with their dongles. They get swords and buidings and stuff-- tall, strong things. Then again, we get flowers! Thanks, Georgia O'keefe!
  
  Maybe I'll name my vagina Violet... or maybe Super-vaj: Queen of all things powerful and strong.
  
  It's a work in progress...
  
  Have you guys encountered any strange nicknames for your womanly bits?

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