Saturday, 24 July 2010
-
My Boyfriend Keeps Telling Me How Hot my Friends Are
Last night I was telling my LD boyfriend about my friends. He was curious how they looked like, so he just went to my Facebook page and looked at the pictures. However, something was quite upsetting. When he was going through the pictures, he told me that my best friend had the cute nerdy look that he loved. Then, he told me that she was cute, and we shared similar fashion sense.
Then, after a while, he told me that my other friend looked cute and dressed well. Honestly, what did he expect me to answer? So basically I asked him whether he now had crushes on my friends. He said I talked about cute guys all day. Erm.. I just told him that I just watched Harry Potter 5 on tv, and I thought the Weasleys were pretty cute. That's it. See... the difference is I talked about celebrities, and he was talking about my friends.
I would not mind you telling me that my friends looked cute, but when you told me again and again. Okay, he did not just talk about both of my friends....but others too. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY? "Oh yes..they are cute, and they are your type...do I need to introduce them to you?"
Oh and then..he knows that one of my guy friends is hitting on me..like he has dropped me tons of signals. Then, we were sorta talking about him..and then he said something like "maybe you should go on a date with him to see how it goes." He also said something like it would not bother him and if I wanted to, I could just say we were not exclusively dating yet. Just do anything that makes you happy.Argh! Doesn't he know that he is the one I want to be with? If not, I would have never said yes when he asked whether we wanted to have an official relationship. Now, he is just breaking my heart by saying those words. I think he sounded like this was an open relationship more than a real relationship.
What do you think? What's wrong with him? Has this ever happened to you?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: missredboots@xanga
- Name: miss red boots
- About Me: I love my red boots, but my favourite color is green.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 3 Views: 0 4523 Comments: 0 67 View all posts by missredboots@xanga
Comments (44)
the solution here seems quite clear. get uglier friends.
no i'm just kidding. you should just outright tell him what is bothering you. tell him that you chose him for a reason (or several) and he is the one you want to be with, and he should feel the same way about you.
Hah... sorry, but you both seem pretty childish. What is he supposed to say when he looks at your friend's pictures? "Oh... she has brown hair." He's just saying she's cute - a lot of people are cute. And if you keep on showing him pictures, he's bound to repeat the comment.
You asked if he knew that he was the one you wanted to be with - have you ever considered that it's the same way around? If he didn't want to be with you, he'd be swapping spit with your 'cute' friends right now.
sounds like you guys are on the rocks..
did you mean long distance boyfriend? because thats really hard to do... and idk it sounds like he's just being a jerk so you'll break up with him. better than the distance thing. probably the best thing would just be to talk to him about where you guys stand, but when you do just stay calm and let him talk. because it sounds like he wants out or is having second thoughts.
than again, maybe this has to do with something else (like maybe a fight you guys had or something like that.. because maybe he just gets as jealous as you do when you talk about celebrities, or a guy friend pursuing you.. and if he actually lives far than that would make any guy nervous). but just ask him whats up, with everything.
and if you guys are in an 'open relationship' than make sure you're both on the same page... even though thats kind of crap- whatever.
this guy honestly sounds like he's jus doin it to be an asshole cuz he's miffed about something or maybe he realli is but either way i hate the fact he went out of his way to inform you that she's his type thats fucked up
what is he, 18? he sounds pretty immature.
He is testing you. You wouldn't answer honestly if he didn't give you an easy out.
2nd he is just being honest with you, your friends are hot! Would you rather he
just keep that with him when he is having a guy moment in the shower. Unlike
women it's what we tell you that counts, if we are telling you this, that means
your safe. If he just kept it to himself, well those thoughts have a way of
working themselves out at the wrong time.
He's just being honest and it's just a comment. I'm sure he tells you that you're lovely, cute, beautiful, sexy and all such praises. He asked you out and is in a relationship with you, so those comments shouldn't offend you. If you find it offensive, then tell him. Guys aren't mind readers, so you have to say it directly. Also, it's really hard to read the tone, when he said, "you should go out with this guy and see how it goes, and that he wouldn't mind," was he joking or did he say it sarcastically. Sorry to say, some people I know just don't get sarcasm and take everything literally. Or perhaps he was joking and you just didn't catch on because you were already upset. All you have to do is talk to your bf to straighten things out.
i find that it's an issue of immaturity/social etiquette. he probably doesn't realize that complimenting your friend is a double edged sword that simultaneously hurts you. tell him how you feel about it, especially because LD relationships require a lot of frank, direct communication. if you're anxious about making things tense, just run a sarcastic comment by him afterward, like "and...way to make this awkward. just let me know when you want to go out with her and i'll give (insert desired male celebrity) a ring."
Sounds like you need to sit down with him and have a one-on-one chat.
In my opinion anything in a relationship that you feel uncomfortable about, you need to talk to your partner with. Tell him you felt uncomfortable that he rated your friends in front of you over and over and over again. If he really loved you, he would put you first and never do it again because he wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable.
Also, you need to chat with him about the type of relationship you two are currently in. Is he confused? Does he think that you're in an open relationship, or does he want an open relationship? You need to tell him that you thought you were in a serious and committed relationship and you're not looking for anything else besides him.
Talk to him soon or you'll drive yourself crazy.
W.
.
So, for the record, just because 2 people get into a relationship doesn't mean that automatically have blinders on to the rest the people that they would ever see. There is no rule that says you a as a person cannot be physically, mentally, or emotionally attracted to anyone else. Sure it can be a bit unsettling.. but just being attracted to someone doesn't mean that you're going to be with them. So for him to say that he finds these other girls attractive, or that he likes her style doesn't mean he's ready to belly up on your relationship and go chase after them... I mean, lets remain planted here.
Now dont get me wrong, I'm not saying that its not unsettling, or even un-hurtful even to hear that kindof thing, but let me dispel another misnomer. This --
"
See... the difference is I talked about celebrities, and he was talking about my friends. "
-- is total bullshit. This, my friends is what we call a cut and clear female double standard. I have been on the recieving end of this one many a time and I assure you, just because you're fawning over John Depp or whoever the current flavor of the week is, does NOT validate your attraction to the celeb any more than his attraction to any non-celeb. The whole idea that they're a celebrity and that they are completely impossible to get with does NOT excuse the idea that one's best friend is a lot easier to get with... If anything else, it just says that if you ever found yourself in a position to get with that famous flavor of the week, that you'd drop your boyfriend in a second... i know thats not what is really being said, but then again when a guy says "man, that chick is hot" ... he's also not saying "man, i'd drop you in a second if she gave me a chance" So please... wise up.... just because its a celebrity doesn't make it any more socially or romantically acceptable to say that kind of thing.
I would not mind you telling me that my friends looked cute, but when you told me again and again. Okay, he did not just talk about both of my friends....but others too. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY? "What are you supposed to say? Well, once again, don't roll over and play victim here... I'm sure it was hurtful, but waiting for him to come to his senses and realize that he hurt your feelings is probably extremely futile... So, be proactive about it. Turn this positive! "Really? You like that nerdy cute look? maybe i can try something like that" Essentially key in on what he likes, and turn his attention from anyone else and turn it to you. Sure you might have to go out and buy some nerdy cute stuff... but hey, what girl doesn't like playing dressup, right? So once you've got it all together, TELL HIM... tell him that you have some nerdy cute outfits... take some nerdy cute pics, and send them to him. Dont hint at it... i repeat DO NOT HINT.. tell him... make it painfully obvious that you did this because he said he likes it, and then show him. Sure its kindof a pain in the butt, but none the less... just take advantage of your situation. Be creative... be intelligent... rolling over and playing dead only shows how much you're not willing to invest in the relationship, and well.. for guys like me... shows that you're not worth his time. (but then again i'm kindof a jackass)
It sounds like HE'S not ready to commit. I'd brush off the cute comments as stupidity that can be easily fixed, but in combination with the fact that he's cool with you going on other dates... seems like he doesn't want to get serious and be tied down when it comes to him.
He kind of sounds like a jerk to be honest. I never had this happen before but I'd be really upset if it happened..Talk to him about it and see if you can figure out why he says those things.
To be honest, it sounds like he's not that into you. So be straight up and ask. Without being bitchy. Let him know he's who you are set on right now and ask if he feels the same about you. If he doesn't, then yeah, it's time to check out that friend of yours.
There is something wrong with the both of you. It isn't fair that you get to look at hot men even if they are celebrities and talk about them while he gets this from finding other people attractive as well. Just because he finds your friends attractive, doesn't mean that he doesn't find you attractive and that he'll just date them (I could be wrong about this one) because anybody can be good looking but there is something about each one of us that we won't find in the next person. Also, whether or not he did this intentionally, he seems to show signs of being disinterested in you. He's probably giving you permission to date other people because he wants that reciprocated as well. But then again, you never know. Just be honest to him and he'll be (hopefully) be honest to you.
@TheDoubleDeuces@xanga - You are a god. Brilliant.
I would say he isn't exactly digging a serious relationship right now. The thing you mentioned about him not really caring if you wanted to see someone else? Weird. "Serious" boyfriends don't try to get rid of you.
Talk to him seriously about this.
You train people how to treat you. Boys, girls, everyone. Especially your SO.
Just tell him completely honestly, "Hey those are my friends your salivating over. Stop that crap. I don't need to hear about it." And when he points out that you are doing the same thing about celebrities, well he is right, so apologize and stop. Because the truth is, we all still have a type, we all still notice other people and judge their level of attractiveness, but it is disrespectful to share it with our SO's or anyone else for that matter. Because it just shouldn't matter anymore.
So just be open and honest, if it hurts you, tell him, let him know he can't get by with that. And do not do what TheDoubleDeuces@xanga - said and try to become his "type" because if you are the one he asked out , then you are his type already, but by trying to be his fantasy you are training him to manipulate your emotions to get you to change for him. I honestly believe even the sweetest guys can be turned into emotionally and verbally abusive assholes if you teach them that is how to interact with you to get what they want.
As for him suggesting you go on a date with another guy, don't just sit around wondering what he meant by that. Be up front and ask him. Say, "You are enough for me, but are you saying that you would rather not be exclusive because there is someone you are interested in pursuing or feel as if I am not really the best girl for you right now?" And if he says yes, then break up with him because that is not what you want. You have to have standards no one is allowed to cross with you, don't torture yourself with uncertainty, just ask! There are billions of males out there, one of them will match you, so don't worry about clinging to someone who doesn't.
that's so annoying but i used to do it too. i wouldn't say that his friends are hot because i've never met any of his friends but i would say that others were hot and he'd get so pissed off at me. now, i know how it feels.
tell him that it bothers you.
no boy should ever tell their girlfriends that >:(
@TheDoubleDeuces@xanga - I'm a girl and I agree with you. Seriously. Amazing answer.
he doesn't want to make his jealousy obvious so he is being cool with it by saying what he said. if my bf said that maybe I should go on a date with the guy, I'll either say in a sarcastic way, "okay, I'll go out with him tomorrow!" or "yeah, but I like you
"
when guys are with someone they really care about, they tend to overlook the stupid shit they do and worry about the stupid shit you have potential to do. whenever i was with someone that didn't mean something to me, it wouldnt bother me when he would talk about how hot some girl was, and vice versa. we loved how we were both "secure" with ourselves about the fact saying those things didn't bother us, but the fact was that we didn't care or worry about losing one another. he might be saying these things to get a rise out of you, to see how jealous you get, because as annoying and hurtful as it is, jealousy is a huge sign of how much you care about someone. like many others have said, talk to him about it and let him know how it makes you feel. tell him to save those conversations with his guy friends if he needs to have them, which i don't believe he shouldn't, because you should be the only one he cares to look at or make compliments towards, but the fact he obviously is looking, it definitely shouldnt be a conversation he has with you.
No, the guy is a douche. He thinks your friends are hot, and wants to date them. He was hoping you would agree to dating the other guy with the open relationship thing so that he could do the same. He doesn't want to dump you though, because he's never met those girls. So if they're totally dumb, he'll regret dumping you. He wants to date them, see how it goes, then dump you once he finds out whether or not it will work.
And/or he got jealous when you were talking about the Weasley's, and wanted to give you a taste of your own medicine.
I don't think it's cool for either of you to really be commenting on others' hotness, but if you do, you should be sure to put "but not as cute as you" disclaimer in.
Girls settle far too much. A lot of people are going to cosign this nonsense and say there's nothing wrong with it. Maybe they've never experienced what a real good relationship should be like, but trust me when you meet The One he is not going to be sitting there telling you shit like that. And maybe if I am being too harsh (I really doubt it), and he is a genuine decent guy(?), you need to use your mouth and tell him you don't appreciate him saying stuff like that to you about your friends and that it makes you feel bad and insecure. If he doesn't listen or care, there's your answer.
I had 2 boyfriends who would talk about other girls and discuss my friends and guess what they turned out to be not-so great guys.