I've been dumped more times than I'd like to think about. But all my breakups (well, except for one) have one thing in common: I was thinking about them in advance. In other words, my women's instincts started telling me that there was a valid reason lurking behind my boyfriend's sudden excuses for not wanting to hang out with me, or his becoming less affectionate, or the increasingly long delays between his responses to my texts. If you really think about it, very few breakups are truly out of the blue.
If you're starting to notice any of these signs in your relationship, don't ignore your instincts: you might want to start grappling with the harsh reality that a break-up might be lurking on the horizon.
1. He starts putting more physical or emotional distance between you. Maybe you used to see each other 3-4 times a week, but he starts whittling it down to once or twice, because he's "too busy at work." ("Busy" is always the kiss of death in relationships! No one's ever TOO busy to make even just a few minutes for a partner they're truly in love with). Or he'll want to see you just to get some action and then hit the road. Emotionally, he's maybe starting to disengage from being a couple; he talks less about your future, especially making plans for an upcoming vacation or date. If your conversations are becoming less meaningful and deep and more about surface-level topics, he might be getting a jump on disconnecting from you. Yeah, it sucks.
2. He stops initiating sex. When guys like you, they want to express their feelings physically -- a lot. If your boyfriend suddenly stops offering those backrubs that usually lead into foreplay, or turns down your attempts at getting things going, he might not want to be having sex because he doesn't want to feel connected to you. Worst case scenario, he's getting action on the side, but don't let your mind jump to that conclusion just yet; not that it stings less, but he could be just losing interest in being intimate with you.
3. You argue more. This one might seem like a no-brainer, but when you start bickering over everything, you might be hitting the beginning of the end. Some guys will even be jerks on purpose in a passive-aggressive effort to get YOU to break up with them, sparing them the dirty work. Classy. But even if that's not the case, a rise in arguments over anything from where to park the car to your parents' upcoming visit to what kind of laundry detergent to get can be symptomatic that you two aren't in sync like you used to be. Likewise, if he suddenly starts criticizing you frequently (about small things like the fact that you shop at Forever 21, or larger things like your career goals), he's losing sight of the fact that he cares about you and likes you for who you are. What a jerk, right?
4. He gets a new group of friends or new interests. Of course, there's definitely such a thing as meeting cool new friends and discovering hobbies or sports that you like, and both of you should totally be doing that! But, if your guy is suddenly all about spending time with his buddies, or starts hanging out with a group of guys who are party animals, he could be avoiding spending time with you on purpose. Further, if you always hated tattoos, and he comes home one day with Tweety Bird on his bicep, he could be indicating his disrespect for your opinion (also, do you really want to date a guy with Looney Tunes on his guns?).
Just because you notice one of these signs in your relationship doesn't necessarily spell doomsday for your couple status. However, if any of these appear and you start feeling a bad vibe bubble up, start steeling yourself for the breakup. Whether you want to ask him to talk about what you've noticed is up to you, but sometimes it helps to force yourself to face the fact that things have changed between you, so you won't be caught off guard if he does initiate a breakup (or, you might realize that you don't want to be with someone who would do these things, anyway!).
What breakup warning signs do you notice, Lovelies? Have you ever had an out-of-the-blue breakup?
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Comments (29)
Bahahaha, Tweety Bird. Ohhhhh yes.
I wish this post had existed when I was going through this with my ex. Would have spared me a lot of heartache. You pinpointed everything exactly!
Good blog.
Christy
Great Post, I approve =)
Great tips
The first ones, fine, but that last one --
oh god FORBID my man acquire new hobbies or grow in any personal way. Let's make the readers as suspicious as possible!
i think the same can be said of the ladies. i really loved my girlfriend, with a love that most guys my age wouldnt even consider. but one day she just STOPPED talking to me, stopping wanting to touch me, she even said that "we should kiss less and we shouldnt have any more physical content" which was....very weird considering that she was the one who wanted all the touching and stuff in the first place........
anyway, i would rather my gf have the guts to tell me that she wanted a breakup, instead of her doing what my ex gf did, and prolong something she didnt want anymore.
lol i hate whenever i post serious stuff yuck! hahahha
When he starts hanging around his female friends or A female friend more than me. Thats not whats happnening in my current relationship (thank god) but in a previous one he would start spending more and more time with another girl and Id just kind of be like wtf. And he never really wanted me to meet her. We basically drifted apart and it hurt so much I just told him i couldnt take it anymore. And he really didnt care.
Great post. I've always done the above things when I was no longer into a guy....when you like someone a lot you really want to be with them...no excuses.
I think this applys to girls as well, I've noticed thiese thing too.
Really good post. I think it's also a list that would help a girl who was feeling ambivalent about her relationship to see if SHE is doing any of these things; I know if I had read it when I was with my ex, I would have known sooner that I should just end things instead of stringing him along, hoping we'd get back the spark we had before... The only thing I might add to the list though, is weight loss. But only if also paired with some of the other symptoms. (Obviously people lose weight for lots of reasons. But I've broken up with people after losing weight, and been dumped by someone who lost weight.)
One and three.. so true in my (past) case!
See, I thought about writing an actual comment but this was way too fun.
@unknowperson1985@xanga - I see London, I see France, I see...your pubic hair? Please, join the cause for keeping the contents of my stomach where they belong. Learn all about the magical button called "crop picture." It changes lives.
My last breakup was out-of-the-blue. One morning we were kissing goodbye like any other day, and that night it was over.
pretty obvious: when the whole relationship in general just stops.
@SharonJo@xanga - no, i said in the article that hobbies and personal growth are good things! What's not good is if he's suddenly so busy with his new hobby or new group of friends that he can't seem to make time to hang out with you. THEN it's probably an excuse. =)
@coffeelovermia@mancouch - See, he thinks it's sexy to reveal his entire lower abdomen... Some guys need to learn.
@mcmeister89@mancouch - fuck you cunt face, that not why i did it, and you need to learn to shut the fuck up before you get shot. I did because i felt like it so again fuck you.
@unknowperson1985@xanga - The man with the peace sign tattooed on himself is going to shoot me? Shit, I can't even imagine that kind of irony. Guess that tattoo has a lot of meaning to you huh? Definitely not one of those you're going to regret when you're 50.
By the way, nice job only going after me. You going to talk that way to the girl who originally called you out?
Oh, but "cunt face". That's a good one. I'll have to remember that the next time I'm shitfaced outta my skull and need to stoop to that level of insult. It's right behind "shit-eater" in my drunken insults I think.
Haha, god I'm still chuckling over the "before you get shot" thing. Yeah, I'm going to get shot in the middle of suburbia or on the campus of my university. Sure. Surprisingly, intelligent people usually don't resort to violence to solve menial (small) problems.
@Jessica@lovelyish - That is fair. and I think the longer a couple is together, the more likely those new hobbies/interests are to be shared/discovered together...if not, also a bad sign.
@unknowperson1985@xanga - babe, no te gusta mis comentarios? I promise not to stoop to name calling if you'll stoop down and pull up your pants. :D And since it seems that your lovely comment has somehow missed its place of honor here on datingish, I'll post it for you:
"@coffeelovermia@mancouch" - no wonder your boyfriends all broke up with you, your a bitch. and don't be hating cause you know im right."
I'll even do the honors and tell you nicely that you used "your" wrong. In this case, it would be "you're" if you were even remotely correct and that I was "hating" on you. Loved the douche bag grunge flavor you added though.
I basically just experienced the feeling of more distance between us with my ex. Then he basically just ignored me. So yeah, distance is a huge warning sign lol.
As I saw ants crawl up the wall, I noticed that no matter how busy they are, they still stop and communicate with each other. I hope we can be like them.
:l Suckssss