Five years ago, as a group of my friends and I descended Arthur's Seat, a monstrous hill overlooking the Scottish city of Edinburgh, I happened upon a conversation between my professor and my soon-to-be-married friend. The professor was giving my friend marriage advice, so I listened intently. The one thing he said that I remember above all else was
that love should be defined using these three simple words: "in spite of."
I've thought about those words many times over the last few years. "In spite of." My professor explained that one should love his or her significant other in spite of the bad things that happen; in spite of the other person's quirks, mistakes, and annoying habits; and in spite of being hurt. He spoke of having a willingness to forgive, always accepting the other person's apologies in spite of whatever wrongdoing that may have occurred. That, he said, was the definition of love.
I believe that there's a great deal of truth to what my professor said. I too believe that true love can be (partially) defined as overlooking another person's faults; being willing to forgive, not holding grudges or harboring bitterness; and acting selflessly on behalf of another.
This doesn't mean that you let your significant other walk all over, abuse, or purposefully, persistently mistreat you. "In spite of" means letting the little things go, being the bigger person, and trying to make the relationship work instead of quitting when things get tough.
In my last relationship I tried loving someone in spite of the many problems we were having, but I failed. I grew bitter. I failed to forgive completely. We broke up after two and one-half years of dating because we could not love "in spite of."
It's a hard thing to do, but I believe that it's the right thing to do. I believe that loving someone "in spite of" is not the norm for our society, but it should be. I also believe that such a selfless, forgiving love is exactly what a relationship and marriage should be founded upon. Love "in spite of." That's my challenge to you.
Have you ever loved someone "in spite of"? Where do you draw the line between letting & not letting things go?
True
Comments (17)
This "in spite of" sounds an awful lot like Corinthians 13:4. I've loved someone "in spite of", until he took my heart and smashed it into oblivion. He cheated on me with multiple girls and didn't feel any remorse. But that doesn't mean I've given up on love, I'll find someone -- someday -- who will love me "in spite of" and I will also love them "in spite of".
This is amazing. I needed to read it.
Yes, I have loved someone with all my soul "in spite of" and I'm sorry to say it was the most painful thing I have ever done. I would never wish that experience on anyone as it was six years full of fighting, deception, sneaking behind my back and playing around.
Yes, loving someone in spite of things is extremely hard. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and this is a huge part of our relationship. Especially because we conduct our relationship in a pretty unconventional way. So for us, it's not only accepting the little annoying things...it's accepting and learning to love the painful dark secrets we both harbor from time to time, our intense and sometimes misunderstood beliefs and ways of living and who we are at heart. We try to love the ugly parts of each other as well as the beautiful. Resentment, misunderstanding and bitterness will kill a relationship.
I actually find it pretty easy to love "in spite of". Unfortunately, I have yet to find another person who can do it too...
I think you're right on the mark! I'd take it one step further, though. Some things, yes, you just have to deal with--bad habits, undesirable traits. But some of the little things, the goofy stuff, the annoying-but-harmless things, you start out loving "in spite of" and end up loving all the more for. That's some true love right there.
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yes, it is
It is a good way to define it.
I adore the picture.
I love someone "in spite of". We are not boyfriend-girlfriend anymore...went through a nasty breakup and a long, silent separation but once the dust settled, we found that each of us were still standing on our respective sides looking back at each other. We know we can't be a couple but we realized the other person was never really far away from the other during this whole time. :)
The way I see it, loving someone "in spite of" represents a level of bitterness. I think the true sign of love is when you love someone "because of". Because they've made mistakes they are who they are and you love them. "In spite of" sounds like you're saying "I'll let this go, you're lucky". I had someone love me "in spite of" the fact I was an agnostic...that isn't what I want. I loved him "because of" his Christianity, and he could only give me "in spite of". That's not the kind of love I want.
It sounds like most people that have commented on here are missing the point. Loving someone "in spite of" is not in any way bitterness. You are not saying, "I'll let you get away with it this time, but next time...." Loving someone "in spite of" is loving them even though they don't put their shoes away, or do the dishes, or take the dog out to go potty. It can even be loving them "in spite of" their attitude towards certain things, or maybe they lose their temper at you once or twice because of a horrible day at the office. There does have to be a line drawn somewhere though. I don't think you should love someone "in spite of" them cheating on you or beating you or constantly belittling you. That type of behavior should never be tolerated. Think about the marriage vows, "till death do us part" and "for better or for worse."
Rage For Love
Excellent post. Three words definitely worth keeping in mind.
I've tried. I'm still trying. The only problem is when the issues that come up are kind of dealbreakers. For me, if a guy fails to stand up for me or protect me...it stands as a red flag for me, and then I'm wondering if I should keep going "in spite of" or if I should just cut and run.
My "in spite of" line was crossed when he refused to change the things that he knew were killing our relationship.
This was an amazing post, I am so glad I read it.
Thank you so much for this. Just what I needed tonight. Bless you.