Two very different problems plague my mind right now, and I don't know what to do about either of them. I don't really want to talk to people around me about either issue, so I will just lay my thoughts out here.
Problem #1: A Haunting RegretI first wrote about
this regret a few days ago, and it's been on my mind since. In summary, I broke up with a girl--who was also my lifelong best friend--seven years ago and didn't handle the situation too well. I talked badly about her, insulted her, and destroyed our friendship forever. I acted like a jerk, and for that she came to literally hate me.
Time passed. I got over her, went through college, moved away, and started seriously dating someone else while in graduate school. All the while, however, I became truly sorry for what I'd said and done, and was continually reminded of our lost friendship through my nightly dreams. I never apologized to her for everything that happened, and now I deeply regret that.
By the time I was ready to express my apologies she was already dating someone else, a nice but territorial guy to whom she is now happily married. Now I don't know what to do. It's been seven years, but I still regret being such a terrible person to her. I even had a dream about the whole thing last night: I was somehow sent back in time to fourteen days before I broke up with her, and I had a chance to make everything all right again. Immediately I hugged her close and apologized for everything, sobbing in her arms.
Sometimes I think that my best course of action would be to send her an email wherein I lay all of my cards on the table, apologizing, asking for forgiveness. Other times I think that such a move would needlessly bring up tensions that she may have long since forgotten, or somehow cause drama in her happy marriage. I don't want that. I don't want her back. I just...regret our friendship ending the way it did.
What am I supposed to do? Should I leave the situation alone and try to move past the regret in my mind, or should I just apologize and see what happens?
Problem #2: A Platonic FriendshipI've been close friends with a particular girl for over ten years. We used to hang out one-on-one all the time, but we never considered pursuing a romantic relationship because we're completely different people. Several years into our friendship, my friend got married to a good, decent guy who says that he doesn't mind if she spends time alone with other guys.
However, I've learned that one-on-one time with a girl--even one you're not romantically interested in--becomes off limits when she gets married: The husband may become jealous, or other people may see the married girl and single guy out together and think (or say) that the two are having an affair.
For the last few years I've followed that logic and avoided spending too much time with my friend. We talk on the phone quite often, but she remains angry with me because I refuse to spend time with her. I don't mind hanging out with her when we're with other people, but I don't want to hang out with her alone. She doesn't agree with my cautionary approach, arguing that her husband wouldn't get jealous of me and that other people's opinions don't matter.
So I don't know what to do. Should I try to convince my friend that we can hang out only when we're with other people we know? Should I throw caution to the wind and hang out with her, ignoring my antiquated fears about a jealous husband and potential rumors of the not-so-friendly variety? Or should I avoid spending time with her all together to avoid shaking up her relationship with her husband?
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Comments (13)
In situation one, my SO and I had been dating for about a year and he had a past girlfriend who he didn't treat very well. He was more immature then and...well wasn't very committed? They were family friends and so pretty close. Then at one family party he started getting feelings for her again and like you, it kept bothering him. For about 3 months... -.- He began to question if he still loved her but he knew he still loved me. So when I found out 3 months later and confronted him about it, it like blew up in our face. I was really hurt by it...because to me I felt like it was emotional cheating. Like during the time he said he loved her. That I felt wasn't really fair to me. He became so preoccupied with thoughts of her. Anyways we got over the bumps and we're strong now :) My SO, the girl, and I are all friends. What he told me was he realized that it was just dealing with the guilt with how he hurt her. So for you, I think it'll be on your mind unless you get some closure somehow...I wouldn't want to risk her marriage but if her marriage is strong then it shouldn't effect her and just heal your friendship together!
1.) Apologize, anyways. That will set you free. It will bring a sense of resolvement (is that a word?) for the two of you.
2.) Hang out with her. JEEZ!
Problem #1: If it's been a while, send her something and let her know how sorry you are. If she forgives you, great; if she ignores you, then you just have to let it go and let her live in peace. If she was a lifelong best friend I can't see the harm in contacting her, especially if you don't want her back.
Problem #2: I respect that you honor her marriage even though she said it was okay for you two to be alone. Continue to do that. If the topic comes up again, tell her that you really don't feel comfortable being alone with any woman you're not actually with, and that it's not a personal thing. She may not see spending time with men alone as a problem now, but who knows what could happen down the road, like if she's angry with her husband and ends up doing something in the heat of the moment. I don't know her so I don't know if she's likely to do that, but for some people the temptation is there. With her being married, I don't see what 100% okay reason there could be for her wanting to spend time with you alone. You don't necessarily have to invite other people along, but insist on going out somewhere casual like a cafe or something. Hangouts are always best when both people are comfortable, and if you're not comfortable being alone with a married woman, she should respect that.
As for other people thinking you two are dating, they can think what they want. Sometimes I hang out with my older brother, and I'm sure at least one person is thinking that we're together, lol.
1. Apologize anyways. She was your best friend for 7 years and while you don't romantically want her back, telling her about your regrets of treating her in such a condition will help alleviate your mind. And it may even lead to rekindling the friendship. True friends will always be there for you, even if things do get rocky. Just make sure that you are set away from your old ways and embrace the friendship.
2. You can still sit down and talk to her and her husband about it. If the husband knows about you two hanging out, other people's opinions shouldn't come into play. You care about their marriage and that you still want to be friends. If for any reason she were to try to cross that line, you can always get up and leave before it gets too deep.
1) I'm married, so take this advice to heart. You won't cause any drama in their marriage. You are simply asking for forgiveness...if that causes drama then they have some serious issues to work out and that has nothing to do with you. So, yes, definitely apologize. E-mail it if you want. Anyway that you are good with words. Maybe a card with a note for her birthday or something? But it is necessary.
2) Some husbands aren't jealous of their wives hanging out with guy-friends. I have a really good male friend and my husband has no problems at all. My husband also knows this guy, so that may have something to do with it. Maybe take them all out to dinner. Get to know the husband better. Once you do, you'll realize that he really isn't going to get jealous because he can trust you and his wife. And you'll trust him not to get all crazy jealous. It'll allow you to get that friendship back on good standing again.
On #2: I think you're right with not wanting anything to seem improper between you and your female friend. I think you've got a lot of respect for her and her marriage for not spending alone time with her. It doesn't matter what other people might think or say, it doesn't matter if her husband isn't the jealous type. Well, the husband might not know if he's the jealous type or not but why push it?
What matters is that YOU would feel uneasy about it and your friend should respect that.
I follow the same rule, whether the guy friend is married or just has a girlfriend, as much is in my power because I would be uneasy with it.
#1 --As long as you make it clear in your apology that you are definitely not making a move on her and not pressuring her to be friends with you again, then I think it's fine to go ahead and apologize. A sincere apology (nothing more) would bring closure to you and her, without stirring up trouble. Leave it to her to decide if she wants to be friends with you again or if she even wants to respond (if you don't hear back from her, don't keep following up to check).
#2--I agree with @KasumiCelesta@xanga in that you could tell her that it's not personal (and then remain consistent with that). I can't quite tell from your post whether you're unwilling to hang out with her when you're completely alone, or if you're also unwilling to meet with just her in a public place. I agree that you shouldn't hang out with her completely alone or in date-like settings, but I think it's ok to grab lunch with her or something like that in a public place with a casual setting.
Let it go and move on. The relationship with your ex ended for whatever reason. It doesn't really matter anymore. On the other subject, I agree. Tell her that while she may not understand your reasoning now, it's for her best interest anyway.
1) I think you should definately send something... i mean, if it haunts you like that its not over and you deserve to speak on it and she probably would like an apology. and its so rolled over i dont think she'd give an attitude, especially since you're so genuine..
2) i dont blame you. couples are so so tricky. i got myself in bad situations because of what people say at the time is 'fine'.... so i dont blame you. if you really wanna hang than do what the one lady said and sit her and her husband down and iron out everything. but that just seems like too much to me. so i don't know. its hard to know what to do, especially when you take into account how its not just the 3 of you. its the 3 of you and everyone else.
1. Yes, apologize. She will appreciate it. Granted, it MAY stir up old stuff again that she likely left in the past, but that doesn't mean she forgot it. And if it were me, I'd love knowing that a guy I used to really like doesn't want to leave a sour taste in my mouth. I got an apology from both my ex AND his own ex (which is the girl he left me for at the time) and it was actually a GREAT thing to receive from them. I liked knowing that someone sought me out to make things right with me, even if so much time has passed.
2. I don't really think it's right to hang out one-on-one with married people, at least not purposely in some private location. I know there are plenty of times when my sister's husband comes by the house and it's just me and him. But it's like he's my brother, so that's probably not really the same thing. I think if you got to know her husband a little bit better, then it could work. Or maybe before the two of you hang out, make sure her husband's aware of it. I think it can complicate the hell out of some things, but some people can pull it off.
@BlehhItsTu@xanga - what she said.
These aren't problems, sheash!#1. I've had a very nice lifelong guy friend do something very similarly jerk-like to me too. He didn't apologize. Maybe he will someday. I think that you should just apologize. On judgment day, what will matter is what was in your heart- your motivation when you performed that action.. An apology is the right thing. Just know that she may not ever respond at all or years later. Those type of hurts run deep. But at least you will have done your best to make the problem right.
#2- boundaries are important. I'm a single woman myself. I'm very wary about spending time alone with guys at all now period- whether they are married or not! If we're both single they can take things the wrong way when I just wanna be friends. If the woman is married, you are doing good to seek to protect your heart and protect her marriage. People may start talking- and gossip alone can destroy her marriage. Keep being a man of integrity- a true knight in shining armor who knows how to set boundaries. Otherwise there will be great sorrow for her and perhaps you as well down the line.
1. apologize anyway. everyone appreciates an apology, and she'll respect that even after all this time you'd have the courage to apologize.
2. hang out with her. don't worry so much.