Friday, 16 July 2010
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The "Plus One" Dilemma
My boyfriend and I got into a bit of a... disagreement the other day. A friend/coworker of his invited him to her graduation party, and when he told me about it I, of course asked, "Well, can I come?". His response was that, no I could not come because he didn't get the indication from the host that he could bring a "plus 1" and felt rude asking. Which I understand... to a point.
I have more than a slight issue with this because this is not the first time something like this has happened. Whenever my friends or our mutual friends host a party or ask if I want to hang out I always invite my boyfriend even if I know he's going to say no, because let's face it, it is nice to be asked and know that your significant other wants you around; and you hope that your significant other is considerate enough to ask if you would want to go. He doesn't even give any consideration to whether or not I would like to go, nor does he ever think of asking me until he brings up the event and I ask if I can go.
We've been together for two years, we are an "established" couple, so to speak. And since the host of the party is one of my boyfriend's friends (whom I have yet to meet, mind you), it should be safe to assume that she at least knows about me. And for those of you getting suspicious thoughts, you can stop that right now, thanks. I would understand him feeling rude asking if he can bring somebody if he were thinking of wanting to bring another friend, but asking if he can being his girlfriend of two years should not be an issue.
The only person he is going to know there is the host, and I don't know about you, but if I know very few people at a party or event, I at least like having one person with me I know I can talk to so I don't stand around looking and feeling awkward. I don't think I'm asking for much, just some consideration for my feelings because when he does this, it makes me feel like he doesn't want me around.
So, let's hear your thoughts and opinions... When you host a party/event do you just assume that your friends are going to be bringing their significant others? When you're invited to a party/event do you usually ask if you can bring your significant other?
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- From: TakenAVowofSilence@xanga
- Name: Kirstie
- Location: Stow, Ohio, United States
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Comments (32)
your relationship isn't as important to other people as it is to you. just because you're an "established" couple doesn't mean it's like a two-for-one deal. i think he's being considerate of the hostess (who doesn't know you, and realistically might not want you at her graduation). you don't want to become one of "those couples" who bring their uninvited other-halves to everything. it's a nightmare for the hostess.
as far as the questions at the end... no and no. uninvited guests annoy me to pieces.
Okay, I can see where you're coming from. But in all honesty -- do you
HAVE to be a package deal? I understand you are the girlfriend of two
years, you'd be a great buffer if he didn't know anyone else at the
party, etc. etc. But just because one of you gets invited to a party, do
you HAVE to invite your SO?
I'm speaking as someone who has hosted many get-togethers, and
sometimes, I hate inviting my friends that are in relationships. If I
were to invite 5 friends, but they all want to bring their SO's (some of
which I may not know!), that DOUBLES the number of party-goers. I don't
WANT 10 people, I want 5! It's nothing personal, but some people don't
want to deal with all the invitees "plus one."
Maybe your boyfriend is savvy to these feelings? Maybe his friends are
kinda like me in this respect?
To answer the questions, I do tend to invite my friend's SO's, but only if I'm friends with them. I tend to have smaller parties, though, so I think it's understandable. And because I'm a strict host, I am also a strict party-goer. I wouldn't bring my SO unless a) they're invited, or b) the party is open to it. There's always that, too: not all parties are welcome to everyone. Again, nothing personal, that's just how it is.
I definitely do NOT assume that it's ok to bring another person unless the host specifically says so or has said so in the past. And frankly, I think it's a little weird to ALWAYS invite your SO whenever your friends ask you to something --you don't have to be joined at the hip! If I were a friend, I'd be pretty irritated if every time I asked her to hang out, she had to bring her boyfriend along.
I do agree that it would be weird to never invite your SO to meet your friends though. I don't think you need to (or even should) always invite them to everything, but it'd be odd if you never invited them ever.
I don't think you should go if you don't know the hostess. When I invite people to my party, I prefer they don't bring significant others unless I know them. Couples tend to keep to themselves, and a party is a social gathering. You don't need to be attached at the hip.
Unless you ask if you can invite another person, it is rude to assume that you are allowed to bring someone else. There may be a specific reason why a person doesn't want to invite both people to a party.
When people plan parties/events, they are planning based on the number of people they invited. If everyone assumed they could bring someone else, without even asking, the host or hostess might not have enough food/drink/etc. for everybody.
Wow, I'm really surprised by the responses here! I always welcome people's significant others when I'm having a party; I think it's rude to not include them. Plus, I'm always happy to meet new people and make more friends.
I understand people saying that you don't need to be attached at the hip, but it seems pretty clear that you and your boyfriend aren't. I mean, if you haven't met some of his friends it's clear that you both still have your individuality. But that said, I think it's very odd that your boyfriend never offers to take you along, I know if I were in that situation, I would feel very hurt by that.
I was recently invited to my cousins wedding.. She didn't realize I had a boyfriend, so I had to ask her if it was okay if he were to come (since I also did not recieve a "Plus 1"). She was perfectly fine with it.
So, if your boyfriend wanted you to come, I think he would have/ should have asked the hostess if you could've joined.
Me and my SO are an established couple (three years) and we've met with all the family members on each side (except for a few here and there). I can definitely see where you're coming from, however, there are always a few exceptions on this "plus one" deal.
Task 1. The Graduation Invite
If you haven't met the friend, but the friend knows you exist, she probably does not want you there (no hard feelings or anything), it is simply the friends party. She will invite who she wants.
When you have built a relationship with his friends, then I would think it would be okay to be invited without a formal invitation from the host, but this time around the friend does not need to follow the plus one deal. Especially if the graduation party is limited to a certain number (my boyfriend couldn't come to a baby's first birthday because the reserved seating only accounted for the immediate family). And that's understandable.
Now, on to the bigger case. Task 2 Future invites
Boyfriend doesn't ask invite you to other parties. Well, just let him know what you think and see what he thinks. Sometimes maybe he likes being on his own with his buddies or maybe he is uncomfortable with asking to bring you along all the time (some people are just shy about overstepping boundaries). I can definitely see your point here. Because again, some parties are not okay, after two years most of them should.
YES if they are in a serious relationship or if they are married. It's definitely an unsaid rule to bring your husband with you to events and visa versa - this person IS your life partner after all.
YES because my bf is important to me. My best friends are important to me as well, so I would also ask if I could bring them. If the host rejects my request, then I'm not going. I don't want to be at a social gathering where the people I love aren't allowed to go.
However, if it was a very small gathering where I'm just sitting and catching up with old friends.. prob not because he would get bored. My YES are for big events like parties, movies, picnics, etc...
@ImKatWoman@xanga - I was surprised too! Like, whaaat haha.
I didn't stop the suspicious thoughts. Is it not weird that you've been together for two years yet have not met this girl, and he also didn't even think to invite you? A graduation party is a huge event, not a small gathering, it'd be the perfect oppurtunity to meet this friend, yet he's keeping you from it. Uh. Just in my experience I'd be concerned.
I see both sides of this. On one side, it really can't hurt for your boyfriend to ask. It's courteous for a host to allow invitees to bring a guest as well. So if this graduate knows that her friend has a girlfriend, it would be nice to say "And you can bring your girlfriend if you'd like."
On the other hand, you say you always invite your boyfriend to come along, but do you ask your friends in advance whether that's okay? I personally would be a little offended if someone I invite decides they want to bring other people along and not tell me. That to me is rude. But as long as your friends are 100% okay with it, then it's no problem. Some people prefer to keep crowds limited, so that they can invite their friends without having an overflow of people. If they can only handle a certain amount of people and allow everyone to bring a guest, that forces them to cut their invitees in half if required.
If I had a boyfriend, I don't mind him attending functions on his own. Should he be allowed to bring a guest, it would be nice to be invited, but there's no "package deal" or anything like that. Just because we're together as a couple doesn't mean we're attached at the hip when it comes to events.
If he could, he would. Or maybe even if he could, he wouldn't. JK. Don't believe the latter. Your boyfriend probably has good reasons. i.e. the host wants to party with people she knows. Maybe the host is uncomfortable meeting new people at a party that recognizes her achievements which doesn't exactly concern you whatsoever. O_o
@MissPixieGlitter@xanga - I'm 100% with you on this.
I hate it when I go to meet my best friend expecting it to be just me and her, because I'm upset about something or she's upset about something, and then her boyfriend's there.. :/ I don't mind it if it's occasionally that people do that, but it's not.
I think it's rude of a host not to let people bring their SO unless they have a really good reason like they have a party limit. I always let friends bring bfs/gfs b/c most of the time you end up with more friends and get along better with the friends you already have if you're nice to their SO.
My friends (and myself included) are nice enough to make it clear whether or not a "plus one" is acceptable at the party in question. Usually we encourage bringing the significant others along. If it's something like a girl's night out or a get-together in a venue with limited guest space, then we limit it. It's simple and less hassle.
Yeah..... you definitely should NOT expect him to invite you to all his social functions. Maybe if you were married, but even then I'd say that's a little overbearing.
And even if he enjoys spending time with you, it's perfectly reasonable that he may not want you there. Because he might want to spend time with his friends and have some platonic hang-out time. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you, he just has other people he wants to see.
In addition, it's terribly rude to assume someone else should allow you to come to their house/other location just because you are dating their friend. Especially if they don't know you. It can make people feel awkward when they don't know someone at their own party, and if you're the only person he knows besides the host, you know the two of you will end up sitting on the sidelines huddled away from the others, most likely.
@ImKatWoman@xanga - came by to post almost the exact same thing. My SO and I do almost everything together, and each of our individual friends know this. It's a large event with many people attending, not like the friend asked to hang out with just the boyfriend or something. I don't see how one more person that is important to him is going to be in the way or annoying.
It's a graduation party so I would assume a guest was okay. Now, if it was some kind of formal dinner, like a wedding reception, then that would be up to the host. I would imagine your boyfriend of two years would be a little bothered by the fact that you'll be sitting at home while he's out at a party... Right?
Uh, no. If I'm not invited personally by the host, then I shall not ask to be invited. Same goes for my boyfriend. If he isn't invited, I will not invite him. It has nothing to do with whether or not we want to be with each other. It's courtesy. It bothers me when one of my friends ALWAYS ask to bring his girlfriend to get-togethers. I separate my friendships with my love life. If he's invited then he's invited and vice versa. I mean it's really no problem especially if you both share friends since most of the time they'll know and invite you both.
I'm sorry but if I were invited to a party, I'd definitely ask if my boyfriend could come, and if the answer is no, then I probably wouldn't go to the party (and we're talking about a PARTY here, not a "Girls Night Out").
It is not rude to ask if you can bring your SO, but it is rude to simply invite them along without asking. The host plans for a certain number of people and the courteous thing to do is make sure they know ahead of time if they number of people attending is different than the number of people they planned for.
Also, I think it depends on the event and the person. If it's a big deal like a wedding or a sit-down dinner where they have a certain number of tables and chairs, then you definitely should not just bring your SO along. It also depends on what the purpose of the event is and whether you know the person. I mean, this graduation party is for her, and she may have only invited people she knew because those were the only people she wanted to celebrate with. Crashing personal parties isn't always okay. Sometimes bringing extra people can ruin the event, like the time I invited some girlfriends out, and three uninvited people came, two of those people were boyfriends, and the two girls with boyfriends left early. We stayed and had fun without them, but needless to say, it was annoying.
If your bf feels rude asking to bring you to this specific event, that's not that serious. If he never takes you to anything he attends, that's something different.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and have my once-boyfriend of a year and a half UN-invite me from some of the boring, lame-ass parties his friends had.
Believe me: you really don't want to go if the only person you'll know is your boyfriend. He'll run off and have "remember the good old days" conversations while you sip on your wine uncomfortably not being able to relate to anything... bored shitless.
If the invite says friends/SO can be brought, then obviously you're allowed. If the inviter knows you're a couple, feel free to ask if the invite doesn't specifically say both of you. Remember that you are yourself, not a unit, so don't expect everyone to cater to your couple-ness when they plan events. Sometimes it isn't feasible or fun to let every single person bring another person, especially with smaller events.
To be honest, I have been the host of many situations, or even an onlooking guest, when friends bring their SOs and it was weird,especially if the only person you know is your bf. Why would you even want to go? To be shown off? Being an established couple means nothing, and asking the host is useless, as there's no way to say no to that question. It's one thing if you are in the same circle of friends, but another completely if it's his friend who you simply know. I think it's silly when couples assume they have this entitlement to things, and this is one of those cases.
one does not assume they will being bring SO but one should ask if they can bring their SO ...