Thursday, 15 July 2010
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When Girls Attack.
Hi. My name is Johnny and last night I caught an ass-beating worthy of the U.F.C.
Sugar and spice and everything nice my ass. This chick was like Chuck Norris on a Red Bull & cocaine cocktail.
For those of you who don't know, about 2 months ago I rescued a litter of kittens and their mother and allowed them to squat at my place while I had the mother spayed, and found homes for the kittens. Being that I spend the majority of my time at work, I accepted an offer from a young lady to feed and check in on the kittens during the day. This meant I had to provide her with a key to my place. I suspected right from the start that this girl might be a little slice of trouble. I was correct.
Every day for a month, this sprite, full, young lass would enter my home, feed and play with the kittens, most likely root through all of my shit and apparently develop an unhealthy crush on yours truly. From the beginning I was upfront with this loose cannon, telling her in no uncertain terms that my feelings for her were not of the romantic persuasion. She would demand that I give her precise reasons why, and I happily, yet politely obliged. I somehow suspected that despite her words of acceptance, a volcano of monstrous force was soon to erupt. Again, I was correct.
Well last night this aforementioned volcano erupted, and did so all over my face, chest, stomach, legs and arms.
I have been texting an old female flame for about a month now and our texts, admittedly, have a blatantly flirtatious and sexual tone to them. I'm a young, single man who has every right to send a tawdry text whenever I so desire. Doing so is no crime.
My young catsitting friend disagreed. In all fairness, she really had no business being over my house anymore - the kittens have long since been adopted and I was upfront with her about our friendship being all-business. She, however, kept coming by...and the volcano kept gaining strength.
While I was in the bathroom, catsitter decided to peruse through my text messages. When I exited the bathroom, I was greeted with a cell phone to the face. I don't know for sure if this chick has experience as a major league pitcher, but I suspect that she has. When that phone struck me it I saw a flash of light so bright I thought a firework had just exploded in my face. I shouted out "Dude, what the fuck?"
I then heard a bunch of blurred screams, but couldn't discern actual words over the ringing within my skull. Within the next 3 seconds I was hit anywhere between ten to five-hundred times. She was like a tornado, shooting out bolts of lightning all over my body (not in a good way). After her assault she sprinted out the door, and I sat down on the floor trying to figure out what the hell had just happened to me.
When I woke up this morning I looked in the bathroom mirror, and discovered that my face looked like it had been kicked by a fucking donkey.
Now I have the task of retrieving my house key to look forward to.
What is a guy to do?
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About the Author
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- From: amateurprose@xanga
- Name: Johnny
- About Me: Im unique just like everybody else.
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Comments (130)
Report to the police. Straining order. Jail time for her. It's clear that it's assault and she has to pay.
Change the locks. Immediately.
WOW.
holy. crap.
get your lock changed.
good luck.
So this little dork beat you up?
What the hell? This really happened? First of all, I'm really sorry this happened to you. And second, she needs to be arrested.
Uh, call the police and/or sue her for assault?
Be careful what you txt to women, they can strike when you least expect it.
I would change locks. I wouldn't go through the hassle to get my key back from her.
police, lock her in a small place, change the locks to your front door, and restraining order. and not necessarily in that order.
anyone know if you can sue some romantic comedy writer for inspiring the act of violence? cause they are honestly the cause of confusion for many people between actual disinterest, and being coy/nonchalant.
Maybe your peepee was too small and she was angry.
I understand how you feel. You had no choice but to escape because no man should ever hit a woman.
@Not_A_Marker@xanga - Change the locks. Immediately.
^^^This.
fuck the keys those are replaceable or better yet replaceable. bar your windows chain your doors. thensue the bitch! make sure she pays for what she did.
@IntheGoldenWest@xanga - Agreed...
I would have punched her in the face. No joke.
the ex-catsitter was jealous that you sexted your old flame
lol this sounds like The Crush movie with alicia silverstone where she stalked the guy and horrified him with her hannibal tendencies.
Lock change time. Forget the key; you're never getting it back. If she talks to you again tell her not to contact you anymore ever, and if she persists, it's restraining order time. She's delusional in the worst way and think she has some sort of claim on you and she does not.
I pity any guy she ever manages to ensnare. Better yet, I hope she never nabs anyone, unless he's equally crazy.
Dude if you are going to have her arrested do it quick. I have a guy friend who got beat up by an exgirlfriend and he didn't want to go to the cops about it, 2 weeks later she broke into his house and stole a ton of stuff but he couldn't prove it was her and he didn't have the bruises from the fight anymore so he couldn't have her arrested.
Don't go near her. Change the locks. Oddly enough I've had this same experience except with a guy. We'd been dating for maybe two months...we would write back and forth because it was kind of romantic writing letters the old-fashioned way. After awhile he fell too in love with me, sending me notes that threatened me if I ever hurt him or how he would kill himself. It got scary. One night, on a school night in high school, he showed up late at night telling my parents that he needed to talk to me. Long story short he heard a rumor that I (at the time was 15/16) was engaged to a thirty something year-old who is from scotland! What the heck? Yea, ended soon after and he stalked the hell out of me for months after. Now there is some point to this story, I know that guys do not report things like this because they are macho and don't want to look like a wussy, but let me remind you of the movie fatal attraction. Women can get scary and dangerous as well as men. It is obvious she has an obsession even though you made your intentions clear. She is not only emotionally ready to act but she is also ready to inflict hurt on you for not feeling the same way, plus she has a key to your place. What would stop her from sneaking in your place at night and either steals something like your hair or toothbrush to hurting/killing you? Get a restraining order and change the locks.
P.S. Have a family member or close friend check on the kittens next time.
Good Luck!
Allison
so how old is she?
First of all, try changing the locks. Second of all, I'd probably buy a handgun at your friendly armory store and carry hollow-point bullets in case she gets a bigger, meaner boyfriend and happens to hold a grudge. Then again, I probably wouldn't have gotten my butt kicked since I've had a little martial arts training. Have you thought about getting martial arts training? I find it comes in handy for the psycho bit... *cough* ladies.
didn't you write a blog about liking crazy girls? hmmmm?
How well did you know this girl in the first place? Giving the keys to a stranger was a no-no to begin with...