I make my long story short when I'm confronted with inquiries about how long my longest relationship was. "Four years." That's my answer.
It's only when people begin to express sympathy (aren't people strange!) about my loss of college sexytime that I have to further qualify.
And this is where the story gets a bit more detailed and extensive.
I wasn't with someone for four straight years. I was with him for 2.5 straight years. Followed by a 3.5 month break (a semester). Followed by 6 months together. Followed by another 3.5/4 month break. Followed by another 6 or so months together. And now we're broken up, as of March or so.
So, I can say with some pride and some shame: I am an expert when it comes to on-and-offs. I've worked at an on-and-off relationship for the same amount of time that it took me to get a bachelor's degree. For a shorter time than I've ever worked at any job. For a tiny bit less than a fifth of my life.
The question that has haunted me every time I crossed the line from "off" to "on" was why exactly I was crossing the line at all. Was it love behind my action? Or was I just lonely, and desperate for the special attention of an SO in my life?
I know a lot of people struggle with this question, especially if they're working with an on-and-off, but also when they start seeing someone new who they're not sure how they feel about, and in a variety of other situations as well.
It's a troubling thought. We're so paranoid about wasting our time and others' time that this is a legitimate concern. And, I suppose, there's nothing worse than breaking up in many of our minds - we want to avoid that disaster if we can. Also - no one wants to feel like she or he used someone else, no matter what your general moral level may be.
Whatever the reason for our wanting the distinction, this is my attempt to make it - strictly speaking in the getting-back-together context. The difference between loneliness and love as a motivator for being with someone can be distinguished as follows:
LOVE: You love the person if your strongest feelings of loneliness during the time when you were apart occurred when you tried to be WITH other people. You miss the other person more when you try to date another person, in other words, than you do when you are simply makin' it on your own. A very strong indicator of this is if you simply cannot figure out what it is that you don't like about your dates, even though you may have waited a while since the end of your last relationship.
LONELINESS: You are getting back together with them because time on your own was unbearable. You couldn't seem to hitch anyone worth your time, although they were nice distractions from the sad feelings you get when you're on your own. A big indicator of this is when you find yourself being overly clingy and a bit too obsessed with people with whom you are in an early dating stage with.
The difference isn't even always clear when you get back together with someone - it's often a disappointing surprise to me when problems I initially had in the relationship are still there when I get back into it.
Nonetheless, you know when love is your driving decision-making mechanism. I'm trying to articulate it as best I can with this post, but ultimately it's a knowledge the heart - moreso than the mind - possesses.
Jeez. How cheesy is THAT.
What do you think the difference is between loneliness and love in the decision to get back with an old beau? How can you tell?
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Comments (23)
A big part of it is knowing yourself well enough to know what you want. Once you know what you want, you can decide what you can live with and without.
I did the on/off thing for 7 yrs, it sucked. Now, I know many more things than when I started and realize I will never get in line for that roller coaster again, it's too unhealthy for me.
I knew that it was not just loneliness when I realized that I thought of him very often while I was dating other people.
My longest relationship was three years and five months. It was really a little over two years together, followed by a two month-ish separation, and then back together for another year. We've been broken up for about eight months now. When we got back together, I don't think it was because of love. I think it was definitely because of loneliness. We were in love again during the last year but I mean... neither of us was completely satisfied. Now I miss him and want him back, but do I really? Or am I just lonely? This is such an important thing to have written. It's something important to think about and to remember.
I've never had an on/off relationship because I figured if there was a reason for the "off" that couldn't be talked out then we probably shouldn't be together, anyways. I guess I just ask myself "Is my happiness right now totally dependent on whether or not we're together?" and if the answer is yes, thats sad, and I should probably be on my own to figure that out.
Loneliness is whether you want to put up with what it was you didn't like in the first place. Love is accepting those bad points and probably you'd still be together. Nope. Once it's done, it's done for a reason, at least for me. I was single for 11 years, never got lonely, got bored once in a while, but I'd call friends or go do something on my own. Never bothered me to do things alone.
I broke up with my ex twice. I dated other people during our first breakup but ultimately went back with him. I didn't like the other guys. Plus, he seemed really distraught and even stopped eating. I really did love him.
This is something I'm kind of going through right now. I was with my ex (possibly soon to be current SO?) for three and a half years straight. We've been officially broken up for about 8 months, but we've stayed in touch the whole time. I tried dating other guys but being with them just made me miss him all the more. I think I just figured we would end up together but needed to be sure.
I knew it was love when on two very separate occasions I tried dating other people and they commented on how often he came up just in basic conversation. I still wonder if love is enough to be worth trying things again after so much on/off (approaching 4 years) but I suppose we'll see.
The first half of this post was one of the best I've ever read on Datingish
I couldn't stand doing the whole on/off thing...it's not worth it in my mind. Too much drama. I'd get fed up and just end it for good. But the longest relationship I've been in is my marriage. 1 year of dating/engagement, 3 years of marriage...so a total of 4 years consecutively.
It's not what I *think*. If you love someone, you just know it. If you have even 0.00001% of doubt, then you are most likely not in love.
sooo true..
I'm one of those people where I can't stand the thought of breaking up, then getting back together. I'm still trying to figure out being able to PREDICT whether you'll really want them back or whether you're better off without them. Now that would be helpful insight.
im in an on/off relationship... and have been for 2 years now aswell
Honestly, I've only truly loved one girl in my life. Out of the so so so many years of being a grown up, I've only managed to love one girl. She was my "almost-wife." Of course, after her, I've dated and screwed around quite a few girls, but I've only loved one girl. Perhaps it wa due to loneliness perhaps it was due to pickiness or maybe I'm just that selective. Whcih is why I've dated and screw many many many girls, but I've never managed to love them. I wish there was someone whom I could love whole heartedly, but I never managed to find love again afterwards..
sigh.. all i can say is that itz very confusing.. and itz not a nice feeling... and i wish it will jsut end.. but when it does all u can do is wake up every morning and think of him :( i suggest make a chart pros and cons .. pick one side (either see him or not) and stick with it... talk to him about it and end things for good or stay togheter for good. good luck. we all need it.
Opportunities for genuine love with someone whom we're absolutely compatible with will become abundant only when we stop thrusting our groin where our heart hasn't already assuredly settled.
I'm not sure I agree with the two separate descriptions of love and loneliness. I think you can be in love with someone and still be okay dating other people and even have feelings for them. I think you can be genuinely in love with someone and have those unbearable feelings of loneliness. I also think that you can not really be in love with someone and still think about them on dates and when your with other people and stuff, for many reasons. I feel like this article may be too black and white and misleading. However, its a good primer on taking a deeper look at your feelings of despair and where they might actually be coming from.
Its funny how i read this post right after it all happened to me. After reading this post i suddenly feel understood for once. Although i'm still quite confused about the situation. So i broke up with my ex 5 months ago, the one i really loved, but things just didn't work out and we broke up a few other times because of that.
However, i was with someone else shortly after, but heres the thing, i actually fell in love with this person, and was happy when i was with him, but i still thought about my ex when i was with him. Time went by, and the more i was with this new person, the more i thought things werent right because i still missed my ex. I kept in contact with my ex, i know that was wrong but i thought i would be over it since i was with someone else already. The thing is that me and my ex had a really strong connection, and since the person i was currently with didnt have that same connection i immediately thought that we werent right for each other. I told him every time i met with my ex, which was in a total of 3 but the 1st one didnt count since it was unintentional and it was more of a goodbye to my ex kinda thing. Heres what really bothered me; when the person i was currently with found out that i was thinking of my ex when i was with him, he said that i cheated on him, and tried to replace my ex with him, and that i used him. That was shocking to hear, i really never thought of it that way and it hurt me to hear that from him. For one thing, i really did fall for this guy and thought i would be with him for the longest time. He was a perfect boyfriend, more than any girl could ever ask for, i lost all of that in a matter of 2 days. Its just really hard to take it all in and get over it. Now the only thing left to do is move on, on my own this time, with a smile on my face and learn from my past experiences. At least its all over now.
There's something this post implies that I don't agree with. You seem to be saying that love is enough of a reason to get back with someone. But if you guys broke up, you did it for a reason. What makes you think that those problems will not be part of the relationship this time? I mean, you didn't break up too long ago, so the person probably hasn't changed. If love wasn't enough to conquer the problems the first time, there's no reason to think it will be the next time. You owe it to both of you to try to move on and find someone else.
@Liquid_Pain_523@xanga - I totally agree with you. i was thinking that as a response to some of the "if you love someone you don't just move on" comments. sometimes, if you love someone, you have to...but it's really damned hard.
I think you have already put a good definition between the two.
When you're off with a bf, you should think about whether you want to make it permanent or not. Think about if you love him for who he is, not just his looks or money but his personality. Does he make you laugh? Is he a gentleman? Can you talk to him about anything? There are just a few example of questions that you should just ask yourself. If you say yes to these already, then get back with him. Talk to him about your dilemma, talk about your dislikes either in general or his actions. Talking can help improve the situation. Don't leave things unsaid.
Don't go years being off/on with each other. Just understand that you have to move on because you cannot feel the same about him/her anymore. I know it may be hard to admit, but it'll help you get over him/her.
I've dated my SO "on-and-off" since I was 12ish. But not really in a serious manner, we were best friends first and sort of dated in between dating other people. Kind of like FWB, only we'd turn on the romance as soon as we were both 'single' and wouldn't really stop until one of us was 'taken,' if we stopped at all.
I dated a guy for "2 years" in high school. We were so 'on-and-off' I remember him literally breaking up with me five times on my 16th birthday. He'd scream "IT'S OVER!!" I'd say "Fine." and he would say "No, no I didn't mean it..." It was ridiculous. Finally I just said EFF THIS because I had enough, but I obviously wasn't in love with the kid.
I think it depends on how the two of you act when you aren't together. The last time I decided that I didn't want to 'date' my SO, we still basically dated. In fact, I was so desperate to just be SINGLE that we 'dated' for several months straight before making it official. And we'd spend literally every moment together, because we slept over at the other's house and we worked together, in a bar, so even though I worked more than he did, he'd come hang out when I was working. After three or so months of this, I finally just gave up and made it official.