Saturday, 10 July 2010
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Women: They Shouldn't NEED to Use a Guide to Understand You.
There's a certain phenomenon I've noticed in the internet world, particularly Xanga. A number of people have jokingly, or worse, seriously, written up guides to understanding what the female gender "really" means when they say one of those all-too-clichéd phrases, such as "Nothing's wrong" or "Do these make me look fat?"
Now, as a girl who has had many close female friends, I think I can safely say that I know the female mind fairly well, and I've got a good handle on the "female language." Even so, I've also seen many arguments between males and females where the woman was frustrated with the guy for not understanding her, despite the fact that she never said what she wanted him to understand in plain English, and instead wanted him to read her "clues."
Girls, I get it. I get that your second X chromosome makes adding another layer of confusion to conversations alluring, and even simple for you. That doesn't make you smarter, and that doesn't make your boyfriend/male friend stupid. If you're giving out nothing but "hints" and expecting a guy--or a girl, for that matter--to understand you, you are being difficult.
Of COURSE what you want them to pick up is obvious to YOU… you're the one thinking it. Not everyone understands that you're giving out clues when you say things, and not everyone would even be upset with the person for the same reason you are. There is no rational way you can hold them accountable for knowing something you've never clearly expressed.
If you never actually tell someone how they've fucked up, your anger is going to seem to be sudden, and without foundation. This, girls, is how you end up being labeled a "crazy bitch."
I realize these guides are an effort to inform the guys how you think so that they don't get as confused. That's a valiant effort, I guess. Giving them resources, right?
So, here's my question: Why is it up to guys to learn your subtle language and to read it perfectly every time when you are 100% capable of simply stating what's bothering you? If you're the one setting up "clues" for him to "pick up on" magically to begin with, that's your fault. Not his. Don't expect the other half of the world to change around your asinine ways.
I realize that there are guys out there who really do understand girls when they don't spell things out, and I realize that there are girls who spell things out more often than they act vaguely. If you've managed a guy like that, well, good for you, don't push him away. And if you're a girl like that, even more kudos to you. You've beaten the stereotype.
A lot of those girls who put out clues and get angry when they aren't noticed, however, aren't surrounded by hordes of pussy-whipped men. And a lot of those girls are the same ones who complain that they "can't find a good guy." I am perhaps overly optimistic, but I wholeheartedly believe that there is a plethora of both good guys and good girls out there.
Sure, not every good guy is someone you would want to date (no one's compatible with everyone), but it's absolutely unreasonable to equate "good guy" with "guy who understands girl talk all of the time." There are a lot of guys out there who will treat you well--exceptionally well, even--but just can't pick up on your moronic clues. If that's a deal-breaker for you, that means you're being bitchy about it. It's not that they fail at being boyfriend material, it's that you fail at being girlfriend material for the vast majority.
Harsh? Maybe. But, boys and girls, communication is a two way street, and as far as I can tell, the ones being clear with their words (most of the time) are men, and the ones casting smoke on the whole thing (most of the time) are women.
What have you noticed in terms of communication between the genders? Girls, do you feel like you cannot say things straightforwardly - why or why not?
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About the Author
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- From: unabridgedtales@xanga
- Name: Edeline
- About Me: I'm an 19-year-old college student, wandering through life with a mind that's on nonstop. I am hoping to major in psychology, produce large amounts of art, and get a novel to an agent before I can legally drink alcohol [in the US]. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to stay afloat in a world not entirely to my liking, and posting my rambling ideas so that maybe I'll understand something greater.
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Comments (48)
I think I'm in love.
I think some girls don't like being direct about their frustrations for fear of being labeled a nagging bitch.
They might also think "Paying attention to 'clues'" = "They really DO care about me."
I don't think guys need a full-blown guide, but I think there are SOME things that should be obvious to men.
@whotakethmycoke@xanga - I agree with him.
I've never understood girls who beat about the bush. "I'm lonely" is somehow supposed to mean, "you should come see me." "Nothing," is supposed to mean something.
The best explanation I've got is that the stereotype is there because girls don't like to say negative things? I really have no idea. I can't even speak girl, and I am one. When someone asks me what's wrong, I have an answer. And when I don't, only when I don't, I say nothing is wrong.The best thing to be is straightforward. I admit that I'm very dumb and clueless when given hints. And it's why I tell the to tell me straight and honestly. But then, sometimes, I don't even get that because I overthink. :P
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - got a point there..lol
Will you marry me?
(Ok, but seriously, great post. I wish more women thought like this.)
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - That doesn't mean she isn't a nagging bitch.. It only means, she doesn't want to be labeled what she is. lol
I try to be as direct as possible, life's too short for games.
Or if you girls absolutely *must* communicate in hints, make the hints a little more obvious like us guys do. If I want to hint to a girl what I'm thinking I'll sit in front of the television tossing a football up in the air and catching it while continuously clearing my throat. That generally means there's a game ON ANOTHER CHANNEL! That's about as subtle as a guy gets.
More seriously, the worst thing a girl can do is say, "You just don't understand me. So and So understood me." The question to ask a girl who says that would be, "Then why are you not still with So and So?" The reason that question won't be asked is because there is no worse idea than to corner an already angry female. The other worst thing you can do...yes there is more than one worst thing. It's one of the many confounding things about relationships...is to periodically remind a guy that he doesn't understand you because of that time 6 months or a year ago that he didn't pick up on your hint. He's probably gotten better at it by now or at least, if he's still with you he's trying like hell. :)
@TheSutraDude@xanga - I'd rather take my chances.
I admit that at the beginning of our relationship, I had a hard time being direct to my bf because I just have a hard time speaking up for myself (well, I couldn't help it b/c I was introverted). Now, I'm direct when it comes to trying to settle arguments. I state what's bothering me and we talk because I dislike dragging out any argument. Unsettled arguments just hurts the both of us as well as our relationship. I want to come to an understanding as soon as possible. Plus, my bf told me before that guys communicate differently than girls. He said that guys are just direct, but girls talk in circles. I agree with him and honestly, sometimes I have difficulty understanding girl talk and sometimes my friend say I can just skip details and not make stories so complicated. Anyways, I believe girls should not have any reason to get mad at a guy for not being able to read her hints because people are not mind-readers, if you have something to say, then spit it out. I don't understand the hint giving games or mind games too well because it's a waste of both party's time. I also don't believe that a girl, who is straightforward can be labeled a "nagging b****," and if a guy labels you that way just because you speak your mind (minus the constant repetition of the same idea using different words), then he's just a jerk.
@Simply_Cynical@xanga - Go for it!
It takes me a while to open up, but when I do I'm always completely honest. The only time I ever do the short angry text messages is when I'm angry but don't want to talk about it because I know I probably shouldn't be angry. In that case, just leave it alone. When I feel like I have a reason to be mad, trust me, EVERYONE within earshot will know. I only make my anger known when it's justifiable, though. That usually then leads to a debate about it which I always win because I only let him know I'm mad when there's a good reason.
I think everyone should be like that. I think half the time when people fight it's just because they're mad about something else or just frustrated by the world and need to take it out on someone. I always verify that I'm angry about something specific before starting that mess.
I'm not like most girls though. So don't listen to me. I say what's on my mind and it always makes sense. The only people who don't understand me are crazy overly emotional girls (and my sometimes crazy overly emotional boyfriend because he's like the girl in our relationship most of the time).
well, sometimes i have trouble saying exactly what's bothering me right away. i let him know that i'm not ok, but i will talk about it later. for the time, i'll be fine. no hints, clues, or "making him pay." once i find exactly what i want to say, i'll say it, and we'll talk. i actually HATE dragging out arguments or playing games, it gives me a headache. i think i do alright.
SO DAMN TRUE.
I catch myself being difficult a lot. I catch myself expecting people to understand my subtle clues and then I soon realize that they'll only get it if I actually say it.
I feel as though it's a habit of mine.. but I think a lot of women are like this. I won't use it as an excuse though. A lot of guys I know seem to be very simple minded. I don't mean that they're stupid (and I don't mean that I'm smarter), it's just that they're very much like "if something's wrong then tell me" where I sometimes tend to be like "waaaa, can't you tell, do I really have to spell it out?" But yeah... sometimes I really do. That shouldn't be a problem though, I need to stop expecting people to know what I'm thinking. Like a lot of women do.
Good post, I totally agree!
i think people who can't be straightforward are annoying as fuck. i hate that society has encouraged and accepted it in the stereotype of women.
@Galbsadi@xanga -@whotakethmycoke@xanga - =p Thanks.
@Wait_by_Moonlight@xanga - I think you're onto it. I think girls want to avoid outrightly asking for things or saying things that will make them appear needy, but hit a roadblock when their efforts to avoid being one way (such as the "nagging bitch" title KasumiCelesta mentions). Or, also as that user mentions, I think some girls use it to verify that the guy "really knows her" or "really cares about her." /facepalm.
KasumiCelesta-- What do you think should be obvious to guys, out of curiosity?
@laytexduckie@xanga - I agree. Sometimes I find that I know a girl's hinting *something,* but I can't figure out what. Similarly, I can always tell if a person's mad at me, but I'm not as good at figuring it out without them stating it.
@Hinase@xanga - I definitely think that some subjects are harder to bluntly talk about than others. Thanks for your comment. =)
@kinamorata@xanga - @xSayakax@xanga - @MissPixieGlitter@xanga - Agreed.
@thedommediaries@xanga - "I think everyone should be like that. I think half the time when people fight it's just because they're mad about something else or just frustrated by the world and need to take it out on someone."-- I agree with this.
I think you have a pretty healthy method of handling it, overall. I do something similar, though I do sometimes voice even "unreasonable" frustrations. That said, I've never yelled at my boyfriend (or at least don't think I have?) and do my absolute best to avoid making him into some kind of villain, so even when I *am* miffed over something stupid, it doesn't escalate too much.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - Seems fair. =)
@valeriexoxjoleen@xanga - =)
Yeah...I learned to stop beating around the bush awhile ago. It just produces unnecessary irritation for all people involved.
Lol, it's funny because like, I told my ex things that upset me (straightforwardly) and that was one of the reasons we broke up. So now I keep all of my emotions bottled up, but that's okay because my current boyfriend CAN read my mind, I guess I just got lucky like that. Sorry ladies, the only good guy in the world is taken by me. ;)
Maybe I'm just predictable, but my guy knows everything about me. lol
"Tori, you're sleepy. Do you want me to let you go to sleep?""Not really.... Stay on the phone with me.""Nope, 'not really' means yes. haha"
If I can't tell him something, I'll tell my blog, and he'll eventually find out about it and we'll talk. I'm better at expressing my feelings through writing. I can erase and backspace and delete until it sounds just right. With talking, I have to think first.
Communication is seriously important, but I understand why someone wouldn't come right out and say stuff.
If she wants him to bring her flowers or take her out on a date every once in a while, if she comes out and says it, then the act won't mean as much as if he took the time to think about it and do it himself.
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - Yep... I tried the direct approach, and ultimately my last boyfriend thought he wasn't right for me... Because he couldn't do everything I wanted and I came off as nagging.
In reality, I would've been better off not saying anything half the time. He SAID he wanted to tell him when something was bothering me because his ex never did and then randomly broke up with him one day (random on his end, probably not hers). Of course, he was thinking about proposing to her, and ended things with me, but we had quite a bit in common. He thought he couldn't make me happy.
Same with another relationship. He said "tell me when stuff is bothering you" and I did... and he said the same thing "I'm not right for you." So I think some guys are so used to women NOT being straightforward that when they are they don't know how to handle it all the time. This is why many women are not straightforward. Guys call them nags when they are... My friends who use "hints" and ignoring have their guys falling all over them trying to make them happy if they think something is wrong.
As for men being straightforward. I disagree with this. How many times, ladies, have you been with a guy, and it seems like something is up. You ask if something is wrong, he says "no, nothing's wrong." Come to find out later he's losing interest, cheating, etc. This needs to go for BOTH ends. ANOTHER reason my last relationship ended was my ex thought he couldn't have his friend time. He never said he wanted it! When he did, I was happy to make other plans, because he was always so much more lovey-dovey the day after he had spent time with his friends. I wanted to hangout with him one night at a group event and he was saying all this stuff like "you'd be bored because you don't know anyone" etc. So I made plans with someone else, and when I told him this he got all happy and was like "I love you! I kind of just wanted to hang out with my friends, so this is good." Uhh... if he'd told me that to begin with I would have just made other plans to begin with. It's a two-way street...
@shaded_heart11892@xanga - Also very true.
good communication isn't just verbal. and good communication does not, contrary to popular belief, equal being upfront and honest. there is a place in the world for subtlety and tact.