Saturday, 10 July 2010
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Dating Someone Older: Is It Really a Big Deal?
"Age is nothing but a number!" insist the people who are dating people out of their age range. Age and courtship are becoming less of a "big deal" in recent years.
Is age really nothing but a number? Does it impact the relationship and dynamic between the two involved? How does gender come into play when assessing the effect of age difference in a couple?
I've always been mature for my age, so I've attracted and been attracted to older individuals. I have an "old soul" so many say - but even though I was always more mature than my peers, I have always recognized that my heart is still young. Circumstance and experience develop us more than anything else (while too much experience or circumstance can just as easily adversely affect our development as well).
There's something to be said for enjoying every stage of your life. Growing up, whenever I wished to be older, or even for tomorrow to come too soon, my mother would always say: "Don't wish your life away, sweetie."
I now transpose mother's words: "Don't date your life away, sweetie." Dating someone older than you can be a negative experience; s/he can steal your youth away from you.
A few friends of mine who have dated older people have expressed a feeling of stolen youth. Their older lover doesn't share their same fervor for youthful events and activities. In a sense, my friends were forced to grow up too soon. An attempt to prove that one is mature and intelligent enough to date an older person may result in an inadvertent sacrifice of an otherwise tender age.
There is an undeniable need to prove one's maturity when one is seeing an older person. The older person may throw your age in the younger person's face every once in awhile, just to establish a hierarchy between the two of you.
I dated someone several years older than me recently. We were talking and I shared my thoughts on an episode that an ex friend and I were having. My older companion said: "This is where your age shows. Stuff like this doesn't matter to me." (This same companion was the one who played Facebook passive aggressive games after I expressed a non interest in pursuing the relationship - so this is an extreme example of a child wrapped in an adult's body.)
In that one statement, though, I learned a lot about the age gap in dating. Both parties may step around age and pretend it's not there, but it's always an elephant in the room.
Every scenario of an older and younger person dating can't be directly related to my previous experience. I've heard of people having fulfilling long term relationships with older and younger individuals. Some older people may say that dating a younger person "keeps them young". It's all relative to the individuals involved in the relationship. On the outside of relationship, dynamics inside the relationship hardly make any sense.
As long as a teenager isn't dating someone in the late twenties, I think that age isn't a deal-breaker between people who love each other. Ideally, you want to date someone who is in the same emotional, physical and professional stage of life that you are.
If you're dating someone who has surpassed you in one of these areas, use their presence as a motivation in your life. Don't allow their experience or achievement to overwhelm you. Conversely, don't use your experience or professional clout as leverage over your younger partner - if you feel so superior to him or her, why are you dating him or her in the first place?
Is age really just a number? Have you ever dated someone significantly older or younger than you - and did it effect your relationship at all?
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- From: EBailey@revelife
- Name: Eryn-Ashlei
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Comments (55)
Well.. I'm with someone who is 62 in a couple of weeks, and I'm 23.
You honestly couldn't get two people more alike than us, and I think that is why we get along so well.
My family has no problem with us being together, nor do my friends. I think age really is nothing but a number - as long as both people are happy, what else can matter?
I think as long as the people have the same maturity level then its no big deal. Unless one of the people is underage, then there are legal issues.
The younger you are, the bigger a deal it is to date someone older. I have a personal range, a guy must be a year older but under five years older. And it's only five years cause I almost dated a guy who was five years older than me but he's my best friend now. Jesus, I need a nap.
I always date older. First boyfriend was 21 when I was 15. Second boyfriend is now 24 and I'm 19. Man in the middle that I never really "dated" was 29 when I was 18.
It's a maturity thing and a lifestyle thing. I'm far more serious than most boys my age so they don't fit my life very well. I even have problems with my 24 year old being a tad too immature for me. I have a very complicated life and it takes someone with a significant amount of life experience to understand it.
I realized after high school graduation that currently most of my friends are at the maturity and life style point that I was at when I was 14/15 and a freshman in high school. O___o So yeah, dating someone 5 to 10 years older than me just makes sense in my case. 19 year old boys aren't ready to be step dads, and that's what any man with me is going to be. Little boys don't want to give up their freedom to date moms. Not typical teenage moms, I mean like a real mom. Friday night rolls around and if I'm not working or doing school then I'm home cooking dinner.
i think the older you are, the less it matters. if one person is younger than ~25, i think it matters a lot.
nope.
I don't think it matters.
My fiance is 24 years older then me. I'm 21, he just turned 45. He has a 17 year old daughter. It doesn't effect us.
I've never dated anyone significantly older...but he's older than me by two years, abouts.And we're making it through just fine. There's no generation gap, there's no maturity gap. Becuase he's older, our maturity levels are about the same....
Age, though. It's just a number, in my book. Love doesn't know numbers.Cliche but true. Oh so true.
I've only dated men that were 1 - 2 years older than me. Besides for one of my ex, who was about 8 years older than me -- that relationship did not turn out well.
i've always dated guys around my age except for one guy, my first love. it was difficult, even though there was only a 6 year gap between us, we were at completely different parts in our lives. he was already completed with college, had a successful career and i was only starting college and didn't know what i wanted. he was serious and i was not and i ended up breaking this man's heart because i didn't know what i wanted until it was too late. i just wasn't ready to grow up. but at the time, i was also only 21.
i have a friend who's about 8 years younger than her husband and as i look at her now, she's had a lot of growing up to do. she's younger than me, but she doesn't look younger than me. she had children and she was forced to do grown up things before she was ready to be a grown up.
I'm 17 and dating a guy who is 25. I will be 18 in august. Age IS nothing but a number. And he defenitely isn't taking my youth away because he acts llike a child himself haha. You probably think THATS a bad thing. But everyone thinks he is my age. They asked him if he graduated this year haha. I love him. And I'm not a slut or a hoe for dating a 25 year old.
I have issues with older-than-high-school people dating high school students. If you went to high school together, it's ok, but if he was already out of high school when she started, he's too old for her (and vice versa). After high school it doesn't matter as much if they're on the same maturity level, unless the age difference is significant AND there are children involved. I wouldn't want my parents dating someone my age, it would be weird and gross.
@klfield@xanga -
I have been called a whore for dating my boyfriend just because he is older then me. I don't get it.My boyfriend is 8 years older then me. We are a perfect match. The only thing that shows age is that he doesn't want to party as much as I do, but he loves me and will follow me.
I've always been more mature then those that are my own age. I have always been the youngest in my circle(s) of friends.
I think those dynamics you spoke of can exist in any relationship, the leverages would just change names. You're completely right- if somebody is with someone younger just to feel "superior", or if someone younger is with an older person just to prove something, then they're in it for the wrong reasons. A relationship should be based on love and attraction, and a mutual sense of respect and compatibility, and that should be close to all that matters.
she was a confused little girl
I think age is only a number, but when you are young and still growing up && finding yourself, the other person is at a totally different stage at growing up than you. I think if you are under 18, 3 years should be the maximum.
I think that age does matter. I know that some people are old, but still act childish and vice versa. However, I feel that a couple must grow together. I would date someone 5 years older, but that's the max for me. Personally, 10 or more years difference is just too much and too difficult. I feel that even though some people are more mature for their age, somewhere in their heart, they still want to have fun or act childish sometimes. I'm mature when I have to be, but in my heart, I want to try a lot of things with my SO that I know an older person would have experienced already and probably wouldn't care much for it. I also like planning for the future, so when I imagine a future with someone a lot older, it doesn't seem ideal in my mind. Will a person with more experience enjoy going to amusement parks, having picnics, take cute pictures, stroll in the park, etc. as much as I would like? Will an older person feel like I'm too childish sometimes? Will an older person live to see our children graduate from high school, go to college or get married? (I know accidents happen in this world and some people won't get to see this anyways, but I still think about it.) I think so much about the "what if's" that I just can't imagine myself being with someone too old. I wish to grow with my SO, have arguments, make-up, have spontaneous moments/dates, etc. and I don't think my wish can be fulfilled with an older man. Personally, I believe age is more than just a number, it does effect a couple's compatability and understanding of each other.
@dareanddream@xanga - Well done.
EBailey@revelife- I know a lot of older women who don't act their age. They act slightly immature and actually like dating younger individuals, which in itself is fine, I guess. I see no problem with age, although it matters. I find young women( I mean no disrespect), immature, whinning little babies/brats, kind of stupid, if they are blonde. Not saying that blondes are all stupid, they just aren't. But with age difference comes compatibility issues, as someone mentioned. Older women are at different stages and interests in their lives, young men are discovering who they are. Of course there will be friction, Two different people, one younger the other older, TWO different personalities, TWO different people. I am only 24, will be 25 september 23, yea...
Well the guy I'm currently chatting with is 27. I'm 18, so it's kind of a gap.
depends how old. i think 10 years older isnt that bad, but 20 years older is kina shaky. so it depends. and it especially depends on the people and maturity and a lot of things.... like for me, the last person i dated was 10 years older and it was the best experience of my life.
There are 10 years between myself and my boyfriend. I'm 19, and we've been together for about, 19 months or so.
As long as you've got a fair bit of common ground, there won't be an issue.
Society can take a walk if they don't like it.
NO ITS NOT A BiiG DEEAAL BC HE LUVS ME WE R MEANT 2 B IDK THATIM 15 AND HES 40 ITZ TRU LUV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm attracted to older mens' matured looks...someone like the semi-aged looks of david beckham not the boyish look of the jonas brothers for example. I haven't dated anyone that much older, usually around my age or slightly older but I've been attracted to men twice my age.
@Kiwi7534@xanga - LOLL
@Clumsy_Alice@xanga - Does it effect his daughter? I imagine if my dad brought home some 21yr old when I was 17 i'd have an issue with that