Friday, 09 July 2010
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Can You Handle It?
Moral-valued, Christian (or Non-Christian), pro-abstinence men... this Q is for you!
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So my sister and I just got into a discussion about before-marriage roommates. I think it's ideal, she does not. She's the girl with the boyfriend & they're even talking about marriage. I'm the single gal who has a pretty good grip on reality. So where the conversation went took me by total surprise.My sister was talking about rooming with her friend, Paige, after a year of living at home and earning some money for an apartment near campus. (Not a pro for me.) I asked her why she wasn't going to be living with John after that, and she said, "We're not going to live together until we're married." I, of course, asked why. It was so surprising. They were the perfect couple. You'd think they'd move into together. And she responded with, "I don't think John could control himself." HAHA! Way to think highly of your boy, sis!Quick review of their relationship: God is number one. They have great moral values and are strong followers of God. They're completely in love. My sister is older than him. They argue, wrestle, and kiss constantly and are always together.Anyways.I told her that moral-valued people shouldn't have to fight urges. If they're together and they have a "good" mindset, nothing "bad" should happen. If you love someone, and want to save that special moment, it will be okay.We debated and debated. She insisted, though, that her and John won't be living together because "she doesn't want to give him impure thoughts when they're not even married".I definitely agree with her on not giving him pure thoughts. There's a reason for impure thoughts and it doesn't happen unintentionally. But I disagree on the fact that when two mature adults live with each other, nothing "bad" would happen until marriage. Even if you're sleeping in the same bed.So, the question is: If you were rooming with your girl, would you be able to resist the urges?If you were rooming with your guy, would you resist the urge to pounce?
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Comments (62)
I don't resist any urges =) I make love with my bf all the time if I want..lol; And I live with him..of course we plan on getting married, so that's a key step somewhere.
But yeah, the best thing is if you feel like you can't..then don't room with your SO. Simple as that.@Hinase@xanga - "the best thing is if you feel like you can't..then don't room with your SO. Simple as that."
I concur.
Even the strongest man would have difficulty controlling himself if he has a beautiful women in front of him but with God's strength of course...anything is possible.
@deathtothenewworldorder@xanga - i definitely agree.
today during lunch, my co-worker told me about her sister and her brother in law who were very religious and were alone one night together and had sex and had a baby before marriage. i mean anything could happen and they didn't even live together at that time, just over at the dorm room one night.
want sex, I once dated a girl that was waiting till marriage and I had some of
my best memories with her. I had to adjust my thinking above the sex level and
discovered, why a non sexual relationships strengthens a bond.
Your sister has her reasons, so let it be her decision. I've heard somewhere that, "a man's natural instinct is to touch the woman he loves." So even if your sister trusts her bf, she just feels that being alone with him might give him ideas. If she doesn't believe they should live together before marriage, then be it. After all, there's plenty of time for them to be together after marriage. As long as they both agree, let them live by their own rules =)
I have the same view as her. However, we slipped up and had sex before marriage, unplanned. Just because you're both saving sex for marriage and place high value on it, does not make it any less tempting. Humans are humans whether they have great morals or not and putting yourself in a situation where you're alone together in a bed, or laying together DOES make the situation more tempting. It wouldnt have happened between my boyfriend and I if it weren't for me getting used to the concept of having afternoon naps in his bed with him. Before that, we weren't nearly as tempted. I think your sister is doing the right thing to help make the situation less tempting for both of them. Also, as a Christian I personally don't believe living together is alright. It's good for some people, but I personally would never be able to, without it feeling inappropriate. Maybe your sister feels the same.
Maybe she just wants to wait til marriage to live together as well. Makes the marriage something more special than already having lived together. Co-habitation has shown to be harmful towards relationships, especially marriage (not ALL relationships, mind you, there have just been studies showing that it did not help in a good number of marriages/relationships). Living together is almost like being married in a lot of ways, I think she has the right idea to keep living separate until they marry, especially with her religious views.
How is this your business? seriously?
Life has too many of its own issues to worry about what other people are getting up to. She has her opinions, you have yours. Why does it matter if she lives with her boyfriend or not?
I'm a Christian too. I will probably flat with my fiancee in advance when that day comes, but will live in different reasons, because I don't want to dishonour God.
I would be able to I think if she was serious about it. But her reasoning for not living together is retarded. Cuz whether she likes it or not he has "impure thoughts". Whether it's about her or other girls they are always there. If she's that considered about it though why don't they just get a two bedroom apartment?
I do not understand why people would even consider this. It is idiotic to believe something is very wrong and then deliberately put yourself in a situation where the possibility of doing that thing is always before you. For heavens sakes, flee temptation! It is one of the most basic things a Christian can do.
Believe me, it's different when you're actually in the situation. I am Christian and I was once involved with a Christian. We didn't have sex but when the opportunity was there, the temptation was so difficult to fight and we did end up going further than we intended. Days later I felt guilt that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. "Moral-valued" people have urges too; no one's really immune to them.
And just because someone prays to God to protect them doesn't mean they can just jump into any situation and expect nothing to happen. I understand your sister's thinking about not moving in with each other before marriage; she doesn't want to take any chances and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
I don't think I could, no. I think what she's saying makes sense.
I believe she does make sense HOWEVER....
My SO and I sleep with each other every night...he's basically with me every day of every hour. Anyway, we do kiss, cuddle, and all that jazz before we actually sleep but we are both virgins. We are not Christians (in fact, he's Agnostic), but we both agree that we aren't going to have sex until we are married. That doesn't stop us from impure thoughts, however. Both of us think dirty thoughts, but our mind and body is strong enough to resist the urges.
It's easier said than done.
One thing will always lead to another and if you're not strong enough, you will give in! It's always better to be safe than sorry.
I agree with your sister.
'I told her that moral-valued people shouldn't have to fight urges. If
they're together and they have a "good" mindset, nothing "bad" should
happen. If you love someone, and want to save that special moment, it
will be okay."- DISAGREE!
At the end of the day, he's a man and I wouldn't tempt him, even if he has the best morals and values and all that jazz. What we feel is the right thing to do and what we do are two completely different things. I have a good mindset about what I should do as well, but sometimes "bad" stuff happens. Example: I know that I should not lie, but sometimes I do. Remember that urges happen, regardless of our mindset and if we're Christian or not, and a single urge could ruin their desire to wait until marriage. She has a point.
Your sister is doing the right thing. Couples should live separate until they get married. This will prevent temptation, ruin her name, and bad rumors from spreading. Your sister sounds like a good goody and your trying to get her in trouble. You called it discussion, but you really trying to peer pressure her to do something bad.
I believe that two people who are in love should live together just for the fact that they can really see what each other is like while living together. It gives you a clear indication of how it could be down the line when they do eventually get married.
If your sister feels the way she does, I respect it. Her decision, her life.
"morality" is relative. wtf is "moral-valued?"
"I told her that moral-valued people shouldn't have to fight urges"
Yeah, tell that to my boyfriend, hes been doing it since he hit puberty. Of course people have urges. It all depends on what you do with them and what both of them wants. Let her make her own decision. I dont think that living with each other for a short time before marriage is bad either. It can help you see if you can actually coexist with each other and each others living habits. Its just all about what you do about that will power and sex drive. Besides, if your having sex with the person who you love more than anything and is going to be your partner in life anyway, how is that disgracing God? In my eyes, you dont have to be married in a church with a binding contract saying so. I dont plan on it anyway. Before I have sex with my boyfriend we will be married in the eyes of God, but that will be between the three of us, which is the only thing that matters anyway.
Sounds like it's not any of your business. Also sounds like you have put unreasonable expectations on her boyfriend - "I told her that moral-valued people shouldn't have to fight urges." Riiiiiight. Because we're not human beings? Okey dokey.
Do what you want to do, and let your sister live her life. They may also want to not give the appearance that they're sleeping together if they live together, which is another concern.
I tend to agree with your sister, though, because I'm basically in the same situation. Just because you have morals and God on your side, doesn't mean you aren't human. They know they are strong people with good morals, sure, but they also know they are weak and prone to sin at any given time. There's no point putting yourself in that situation. I think another good point is probably that they don't want it to look bad on them; they probably know a lot of old-fashioned people from church or whathaveyou. As soon as someone hears they're living together but aren't married, rumours spread. It's unfortunate that it works like that, especially in a church, but it's impossible to convince people you aren't going to sleep together as soon as you say you're moving in. I believe it would also be a stumbling block for other young couples who are struggling with similar issues; if they found out your sister and her boyfriend moved in together but weren't married, all of a sudden some people might think it's "OKAY."
1 Thessalonians 5:22
"abstain from all appearances of evil." Like I said, even if your sister thought he could handle it, others wouldn't be able to handle the idea. It still looks bad.
@corpsegutted@xanga - That.
If I were rooming with my boyfriend, I wouldn't try to resist anything. ;)
I disagree with you.
I told her that moral-valued people shouldn't have to fight urges. If they're together and they have a "good" mindset, nothing "bad" should happen. If you love someone, and want to save that special moment, it will be okay.
Just because two moral-valued people are in a relationship does not mean that nothing bad is going to happen. Moral-valued people are human just like any other people. They have urges too. When someone values morality it just means they have a stronge sense of what is right and what is wrong (of course what's right and wrong varies among everyone). I'm saving sex for my husband. My boyfriend is doing the same thing. But, that doesn't mean we won't have any issues with "wanting each other" per say. I actually think it's the complete opposite of what you said. If two people love each other there will be urges to fight even if you have strong moral values. And why put the temptation there with living together before you are married. That's just a recipe for disaster.