Throughout my life I've met many women whose beliefs and behaviors did not reflect the knowledge of a difference between a wedding and a marriage. To them the two things are the same: "If the wedding doesn't go just right, then everything is ruined. Our marriage will be ruined." I beg to differ. The wedding isn't the marriage.
The wedding is a singular event that nearly every little girl looks forward to. Their Barbie dolls don a white linen dress and walk down the aisle to meet Prince Ken Charming. Girls grow up planning their weddings before they even meet Mr. Right, buying wedding planners, reading wedding magazines, looking at dresses, and imagining themselves walking down that proverbial aisle just like Bridal Barbie. It's all part of this grandiose image of the Big Day, where everybody lives happily ever after.
The marriage, however, is not a singular event, but instead is an ongoing process that involves getting to know, living with, and unconditionally loving someone other than oneself. Marriage is the reason for the wedding.
Brides-to-be, so focused on making sure that everything goes according to plan on that Day, tend to forget about the marriage. "Where should your family sit?" "Who will do the catering?" "Will there be dancing at the reception?" "Should it be a church or outdoor wedding?" Unfortunately, all of the plans and details, which are certainly integral to composing a memorable wedding, tend to cloud peoples' minds, causing them to forget that all of this hassle is occurring to symbolize and culminate in a lifelong marriage.
I've met too many women, especially in college, whose goal in life is to obtain an "MRS" degree. They are willing to settle for--or have already settled for--guys who measure up far less than their ideal, simply so that they can "get married." They say that they want to be married so badly, but their conversations and actions demonstrate that the
wedding is their primary concern. Let me say it again: the two are not the same. That may sound like an obvious distinction when reading about it like this, but in the real world it's not quite so clear. People--I'm talking about guys, too--believe that they will be happy when they get to participate in their Big Day, but they rarely talk about how happy they will be when they can spend the rest of their lives with that other person.
Forever. That's what it's all about. It's not
just about one magical day. It's not about planning a Cinderella ceremony or wearing a white dress. It's about making someone else feel special, cherished, and treasured for the rest of his or her life. It's about loving someone in spite of their flaws, annoying habits, and quirks. Sacrifice. Compromise. Commitment. Love.
Forever.
A wedding, a wondrous one-day event, is just a gateway to a marriage, a lifelong adventure of love. Remember that.
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Comments (63)
I agree.
They are not the same.
I agree with you whole heartedly. I think that a lot of people who get married at my age tend to see the wedding as the full focus day. The wedding isn't about the rings, the seating arrangement, the food, the music, the place, its about you and your fiance making a vow to eachother that lasts forever. I think too many people get caught up in all the details and do forget why the want to get married. My husband and I didn't care about all the details. We just cared about what it meant when we finally said I do. The materialistic brides who get caught up in the details and not the vows, their marriages honestly prolly won't last more than a year.
"If the wedding doesn't go just right, then everything is ruined. Our marriage will be ruined."
haha, if that were the case....Im ruined. My wedding was all but 10 minutes long, we had no music to go down the isle (the stereo broke). Our rehersal was not but 30 minutes before the wedding and the pastor introduced my mother as my mother in law. It was pretty funny actually. anyhoo was a great reception =P.
a lot of couples actually don't know what to do with themselves and how to act around each other after the wedding because their lives have been all about the wedding day for so long they forgot what it's like just being with each other.
On that note, I want to know what you guys think of this topic. People asking for money as opposed to things off of a registry. Let me know. http://bit.ly/b9Fp5B
a lot of couples
actually don't know what to do with themselves and how to act around
each other after the wedding because their lives have been all about the
wedding day for so long they forgot what it's like just being with each
other.
On that note, I want to know what you guys think of this
topic. People asking for money as opposed to things off of a
registry. Let me know. http://bit.ly/b9Fp5B
This is why we didn't have a wedding...we eloped and told our families that night by telephone! It's totally cheaper than a wedding too!!! :D
Good blog, not to mention that you are right
This sounds less about all of the poor confused girls of the world and more about those girls that were getting with guys that you viewed as being beneath their standards. One wonders whether you wanted them.
Uggh, I hated the hassle of the wedding. Being married is SO much better!
I agree! So true! I was never even one of those girls who planned an epic wedding ahead of time. It was actually kind of a chore. lol. My parents pressured me to have a wedding to keep the millions of relatives happy, and I had one, and it was on a shoestring budget with hundreds of guests, and I had to plan the entire thing myself. SO STRESSFUL UGH. The thing was, the whole time all I cared about was just BEING married, specifically to this one and only amazing guy. I just wanted him! I wanted to make it pretty so the relatives would be happy, but I was so tempted just to elope (but we needed wedding gifts, lol). O.o I looked forward to life AFTER the wedding. It felt like the important stuff was the premarital counseling, the reading relationship books together, the talking. Of course, I followed my preferences in my wedding since I had to have one, so it was one that I am happy with and look back on fondly. Nevertheless, I say that the quality of the wedding has ZERO correlation to the quality of the marriage. The real work of creating a marriage starts long before the wedding and continues forever after.
My wedding went all kinds of wrong. But I am just glad I married my husband because he's all I want.
I'm currently planning my wedding.
I was hoping to elope.
From the day he proposed, it was never about the wedding and the reception and all that jazz. It's been about how I want to spend the rest of my life with the man I love, and the same for him. I doesn't matter how the wedding goes, so long as at the end of the day, I can say we are in love.
I don't care about the rest. But then, I never did. I was into Batman as a little girl. Barbie and Ken just got boring.
My soon to be mother-in-law is having a hard time understanding my perspective on the whole thing. It's entertaining.
I think too many people spend to much time and money into something that lasts for a day.
Put that time and money into your relationship so it is strong and healthy.
And I agree with you. That's like saying if you had a hard and painful delivery that the kid will be troublesome and rebellous. Not true.
@pillowchats - Some cultures may find asking for cash instead of gifts, no big deal, but any American etiquette book will tell you the same thing: TACKY. It is considered rude to ask for money in your invitation, ESPECIALLY since it looks like you're charging guests for admission to your wedding. No one likes a greedy couple. Now, if you need cash the most, that's totally understandable. In that case, a trusted family member or wedding party member should be an RSVP contact, and they can spread the word around.
I agree. I so agree.
hahaha I wrote a post similar to this a while back. I agree wholeheartedly. people get ridiculously wrapped up in an event that a month later, most people won't remember a whole lot of... and they forget the point. the point is not your wedding, it is your marriage.
weddings are overrated.
I agree with this! The wedding is one big headache. I just want to be married to the man I love!
Very, Very True!
i agree.
Agreed. I used to want to get married more than anything in this world, then I realized that the only part I was looking forward to was my white poofy dress. A marriage is so much more than that.
I don't agree with this it all. Perhaps you just know a few girls who really are this way, perhaps you are just jealous and therefore judgmental of their sincerity, or maybe you just are basing this off of other peoples cliches. But as a very recent newlywed, and because many of my nearest and dearest friends got married this month as well I totally disagree with this.
Yeah, we have been planning our dream wedding since we were little girls, but we have actually been building a relationship with our fiance everyday, every hour, since the moment we met him. For me and for all of my friends the wedding is this huge, exciting event we get to plan, and it is all about us and our men! How exciting is that? But while it may be the biggest event in our life so far--the marriage, that is when our best friend gets to be with us everyday, I know for me, the wedding got a bit stressful. The marriage is the part you look forward too, but on the other hand it is the part you don't have to talk about all of the time because it is obvious. The marriage is the whole point, but that doesn't mean that girls can't obsess about their wedding. They are excited, but it is pretty harsh to take their excitement as an absence of serious feeling about the marriage, but what is there to say? At twenty one all I heard when I talked about the marriage part was that I was crazy for getting married so young, when I talked about the marriage or stress of the wedding, I got excitement and reassurance. People aren't interested in talking to you about a drama-free happy relationship that is headed for forever, but everyone sees your ring and wants to know all the details about the ceremony.
I want to elope and an actual marriage <3 :D
Ahh, I couldn't agree with you more.
I have this friend, who wants just the wedding. The dress. The flowers. The people. The party.
She wants the wedding, not the marriage; is exactly how she stated it.
My eyes just about bounced out of my head. Getting married should be that special day when two people are brought together for a lifetime of love, happiness, togetherness, commitment, and cherishing each other through the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. Not many people seem to remember that though anymore. It just seems that people want the wedding for the story telling, and they end up becoming so engulfed in their planning that it just becomes a stressful situation. Shouldn't this day just be focused on spending the rest of your life with your SO and leaving the materialistic things in life behind?
@Jane - My experience with girls whose view of marriage is narrowed to only the wedding isn't mine alone. Look above and below your comment, and you'll find others who've met people with similar views. I am glad that your experience, as well as the experiences of your friends, was different. And congratulations on getting married!
@striemmy@xanga - Nah, they were beneath my standards. =p
@Katseye4pirates@xanga - All the more insulting that they would select someone else over you.