Sunday, 04 July 2010
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I Can't Have Sex
Dear Datingish Readers,
I have recently found out that I have a pretty common condition called Vaginismus which is an involuntary spasm of the muscles surrounding the vaginal opening which occurs whenever an attempt is made to penetrate the vagina. Which basically means, I can't have sex. However, that also covers tampons and pelvic exams or exams of any sort down there that involves penetration. All of these things cause EXTREME pain.
Maybe it's just me, but this seems like a rather big problem to me. I'm in a committed relationship for one, two: I do NOT want to wear pads the rest of my life (so uncomfortable), and three things like checking for ovarian cancer and such is important because it runs in my family.
However, I have a problem about getting treated. I come from an extremely religious family that says that anything involving sex or sexual things before marriage is bad, and even after marriage stuff like masturbation is an extreme no no at all times. This is a problem because the only way to cure vaginismus is by gradually relaxing your vagina and basically inserting things into the vaginal opening (sorry for the graphic stuff). Definite no no.
So here's my question: Do I tell my mother my issue and go to the doctor and face the consequences of having to fight toe to toe with her on treatment, or do I wait until I'm 18 which is 8 months away? (The longer you wait the worse it gets and harder it is to cure)
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Comments (152)
I would say fight with your mother and go to the doctor. You need the treatment now, and if she can't deal with that, too bad for her.
Is there any way you could get to a clinic somewhere or pay for it on your own or something? If not, I say tell her and seek treatment. Sexual health is important, and you want to seize every opportunity you have to get yourself better, while it's still easier.
Your mum should care more about your health than the conflicting religious beliefs. Can't you go to your doctor without telling her or something?
talk to her about it. this is an important problem, and your health and body come before religious reasoning, i think.
Tell her you'd like to wear tampons and get checked for cancer. You don't need to mention sex. As for the treatment, it is not sex or masturbation-it is treatment for a medical condition. You don't need a penis or a vibrator. Surely you can do the treatment without getting too excited.
Good luck.
You've already waited almost 18 years of your life. What difference does 8 months really make? Less drama, less conflict.
i would say treatment. tell your mother that it could hinder her getting any grandchildren out of you. that should shut her up.
@donspike@xanga - This.
The way I see it is if you aren't as strict religiously as your mother which it seems like you aren't, then you need to go get the treatment. Fight her on it and have her realize that it's your life and she can't make you wait on YOUR disease. You want to be treated so have her see it like that.
Sex is wonderful. I wish you well.
I understand what your going through and i'm sorry, I know it's difficult. I was dealing with this too, but on a low level--it wasn't too serve that I had to go to any extreme lengths.Your mother doesn't live in your body, first off--so it is worth going to the doctors anyway and possibly starting a fight, you deserve to be happy and comfortable. and, if that doesn't work, you could always tell your mother it is about your period or something not necessarily related to sex [like it is too heavy, painful, unexpected etc]. and as a side note, I know that one treatment is botox, believe it or not !
good luck, hun!
@RACHEL___llenadeluz@xanga - <-- this girl knows what she's talking about.
@Vintage4Me@xanga - Yeah, you really need to get it treated, regardless of her feelings about it. Good luck!
Well your mother has to face it- even if you wait till after marriage for sex, you still need to fix this kind of condition before hand!!!
i think your health is more important than what your family strictly believes. i would go get it checked out asap! good luck!
Get it treated. She should respect your decisions even if they do not make her happy.
Your health is way more important than family beliefs. I'm pretty sure if you explain this to your mom (and even take her in with you when you go talk to the doctor) she'll understand.
Get yourself to a doctor! Or really, a pelvic floor specialist. I had to do pelvic floor physical therapy for a bladder condition (interstitial cystitis), and it helped immensely. Different issue, but the therapy is for anything related to pelvic muscle dysfunction (including vaginismus). Your health and comfort is the issue here - not sex, or religion, etc. See if you can talk to her about pelvic floor physical therapy. No penetration is involved - rather, they use biofeedback to help you train your own muscles. It will help you gain control of your pelvic floor by teaching you how to relax the muscles and how to tighten them. Maybe your compromise could be that your mother OKs only the external therapy until you are 18, and then if you need to then move on to penetration exercises you can do that without her knowledge or needing her consent. She needs to take your health seriously!
i have vaginismus. it felt like the lonliest thing on the planet - sex comes naturally to most people, so i thought there was something seriously defective about me - but as i did my research, it is not that uncommon a problem. i haven't gotten official treatment, and my issues with sex are somewhat different than yours (my family was not especially religious or strict in regards to sex, but i was abused sexually when i was younger and i associate it with pain, plus up until this year, i've had severe body image problems and an eating disorder), but as i recover more and more from my eating disorder and work harder in therapy in general, my vaginismus symptoms improve. but, i still have it, i also can't use tampons, unless i'm incredibly relaxed, fingering hurts a lot of the time, and i haven't been able to have sex yet with my boyfriend of four years (though we find other ways to keep each other satisfied, i would still like to have sex with him). the root is often psychological, and definitely sounds so in your case, and you may need some form of sex therapy, and definitely probably therapy in general. there are also practical solutions, like using gradually larger inserts (swabs and the like) over time, to get you more used to it. i would say that you try to either pay for treatment yourself or talk to your mom about it. talking about it, while hard, might even be a small, theraputic step. you don't even have to make it about sex. you're around the age that you will need a GYN exam, and a lot of times (and in my case) the vaginismus can make that damn near impossible. sexual health is, as somebody else said, important, so if you're uncomfortable making it about sex itself, you could make it about that. i didn't first attempt to have sex until i was 18, and until i was diagnosed at almost 20, i thought my problem was physical (imperforate hymen). you're lucky that you are finding out younger than i did, and i strongly suggest getting treatment as soon as possible - you don't want to be dealing with this for several years like i have. good luck!
This is a medical problem - your mom should step down and see that you receive adequate treatment, just like any other mother should for her child.
Do you live in Utah? Jk.
Get it checked. And treated.
Fight if need be, and go to the doctor.
I have the same thing...though by labeling it with a medical term..it really only makes it worst I find. So far the only solution that's working (and my Gyno agrees with) is just slowly stretching the muscles.
Good luck, and don't get frustrated if you can't do it for a while. These things take time. (Unfortunately!) XD
definitely tell ur mom. she is a woman and she will understand. let her speak to ur dr. ur mom will decided wat is best for u
Just ask your mom if she ever wants grandkids if she tries to put up a fight about this.
This is your body. If you feel that you need treatment, nobody else's moral values should stand in your way.