Wednesday, 30 June 2010
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How Can I Be Mad At Him When I've Done The Same Thing?
I recently went through my boyfriends texts. I know this is usually a no-no. But it was for a specific reason (won't get into it) and he goes through mine all the time. Well, I came across a few messages to a girl that said stuff like "Text me when you wanna hang out...but not when I'm with Emily" (I'm Emily.)
I think I may have overreacted. I used to be very protective and didn't want him talking to ANY other girls. He might still think that and just didn't want me to get mad. I know this girl, and honestly it wouldn't bother me very much if he hung out with her. But the whole "secret" thing bothers me.
But...I have done the same thing.
I met a guy on a school trip. We flirted, like, constantly. And I didn't think about my current SO at all on that trip. It was all on this new guy. But I think that in my heart, I knew that I wouldn't have left my current SO for the new guy-ever.
I never told my boyfriend about that. I said that he liked me, and that we'd talked but I never told him everything.
So if he's talking and hanging out with other girls...how can I be mad about it? How can I? I'm a horrible person! I have no right!!
Has something like this ever happened to you?
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- From: emiliahhhx7@xanga
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Comments (20)
We all get mad at things our partner does, whether its hanging out with someone of the opposite sex or talking to one's ex. We all do it, but for some reason we'll be over-protective. I guess its all about maturity and trust....the longer you are with your partner, the more trust you'll develop. And if your gut instinct tells you something is wrong....wells, I've always felt like you should follow it - BUT, that is if you trust your partner completely but for some reason this time feels different. If you are a hopeless jealous gf/bf, then I would probably tell that naggin feeling to go away and talk to them about it.
Well, you do have a right to feel that way because it's natural to feel like that. He is your boyfriend. And he probably would be upset too. Honestly, I don't think two people should be in a relationship with each other if there is no trust and each person is "sneaking" around behind the other's back. A relationship needs to have honesty, trust and communication. Without these things, it won't survive. It will cause regret, frustration, dishonesty, drama, jealousy, mistrust, etc... All these are negative things that I know I would not want in my relationship and they should not be in any relationship.
Justice For Love
It was wrong for you to flirt with that guy while you're with your boyfriend. But ya, you can still feel upset.
There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, but both you have to stop sneaking behind each other's backs if you want this thing to last. This needs to get out in the open and you guys both need to communicate more openly about your insecurities if you're going to get past this.
@yakko1@xanga - Couldn't have said it better myself.
I think you and your boyfriend should learn to be faithful to one another and have no secrets whats so ever. Don't get into relationships if you can't be committed to one another. Just saying.. Oh yeah checking each others cell phones is so high school, have trust and if it's really meant to be you'll find out. xoxo bebby ;-*
It's natural to feel like that, but yeah, if you're gonna prevent him from hanging out with girls when you go hang out with guys, that's being a hypocrit, and you don't wanna be doing that. Things like that add up and break up the relationship.
I don't think both of these occurrences should be linked to one another. Flirting with someone else while in a relationship probably wasn't the best possible thing you could've done, but that doesn't make what your boyfriend may/may not be doing behind your back any better.
It is hypocritical, but I would place more emphasis on my relationship than on hypocrisy.
Unless you two are perfectly okay with this type of mingling, you should do something about it if you receive another reason to feel suspicious - and it's a lot more legitimate than just your boyfriend hanging out with other girls.
My bf and I are in a similar situation. We both flirt with other people and don't mention that we're taken, but we don't go any further than that.
First off, no more secrets.
You both need to be honest with each other - would either of you cheat, if one of you met the right person? If the answer is no, then no worries! I would, however, talk about what is acceptable and what isn't acceptable, like no hanging out with the crush alone - only in a group of people, etc.
I AM IN THIS SAME EXACT POSITION. Oh my God.
He's mentioned hanging out with an ex, but only to her. I'd brought it up (didn't say I read his texts) and he said something along the lines of "yeah right. She's fucking weird. Why would I go do that?"
Then I asked him how he'd feel if I hung out with an ex of mine (we broke up after like a week. We're now platonic friends and there are NO feelings whatsoever. That is exactly how it is with my SO and his ex!). He flipped balls and basically freaked out at me.
Fuck double standards. But yeah, I feel your pain honey. It's an odddddddd position to be in!
This isn't a relationship, if you're both hiding things from each other, and speaking secretly to other people. If he was just innocently texting her, if they were honestly just friends he wouldn't hide it from you. If you were content with each other you wouldn't need anyone else.
Very immature. Sorry.
Why don't you just make sure he knows you don't mind him hanging out with this girl? It's a win situation, since he can't get mad about reading his texts, if that's normal for you two. Let him know you don't mind that he has female friends, and see what happens.
Snooping just leads to greater problems in a relationship that are un-needed and uncalled for. It just shouldn't happen. Maybe he is just trying to protect you and himself of you becoming full of rage when you find out this girls been texting him wanting to hang out. I can understand completely why he would do that. but on the other hand, you say pretty much in the same sentence that you didn't want him hanging out with any other girls but are fine with him hanging out with this girl. So what is it? Have you grown so much that you no longer will be mad when he calls you and says "Ah, just hanging out with so and so, might not have time to talk tonight". It's just completely ridiculous to not have any trust and faith in your boyfriend that you have to shelter him from the rest of the world. This won't make him love you more, it will make him resent you, and the relationship will just end on very bitter terms. Anyway, it sounds like you just need to start having an open line of communication with him. Work on the issues that you need to work on but in the mean time tell him that you would like to know about people he is hanging out with and that it's okay aslong as he's honest about it.
i feel the same way. right now, i really wish i were a better person =/
i am kind of in the same situation as you. BUT one thing different is, both of us (me and my bf) knows about that. my bf loves to mention the name of the guy that i "like" and tease me by saying something like "he doesnt live to far from here, lets go visit him." then i would say "oh yea! i should visit him! can u come with me?"..,
but whenever he mentions about the girl that he "likes", i would push him and make a jealous, sad face..
i think the most important thing is you tell your bf about your feelings about the guy you like and tell him what you are worried about him. i just learnt that honesty is very important. i broke up with my bf few days ago and i told him everything that i didnt like about him, but on the same day we got back together, he said he would change everything for me and he told me that i should not hide anything from him because everything can be discussed and it's true.
keeping your own thoughts will only hurt your bf or yourself in the end. i hope this small issue wont become a big issue for you. God bless.
if u feel bad about what you did then confess, receive forgiveness and move on. I don't think anyone wants secrets in their relationships, so set the rules straight with ur bf so he knows what's appropreiate and what's not. I hate the whole " dont' want u to b mad " excuse. it is not an excuse and it only worsen the relationship.
I don't know about you guys, but when I'm in a relationship, I don't hang out with the opposite sex (specifically talking about a one on one hang out) and neither does my significant other.
What you did was wrong, but I do believe you have the right to be upset about it, too. I just think both of you need to respect each other and none of this would happen. Always put yourself in the other shoes before you do it.
You're nonchalant about your own flirting because you know for a fact in your heart that you would never leave. No matter how much we trust our SOs, there will never ever be that 100% that we sometimes don't even find within ourselves. You may trust him but you have no 100% security that nothing bad is happening. Which is totally normal.
It sounds like your whole relationship is a bit of a shady sham.
I don't think either of you are committed to each other enough to have a relationship.
That happened to me too. But it's good that you realize you may be being a little hypocritical. Maybe you should talk to him about it (not in specifics, just generally), and maybe things will work out. :)