Wednesday, 30 June 2010
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Do You and Your Partner Communicate Clearly?
Communication between two people is more than mouths moving, ears perking, and limbs switching. It is the cornerstone of human relationships. Without effective communication, a relationship can't exist. It's easy to look back at old relationships and blame the other person for why the romance failed. In some cases, one party does bare more of the burden than the other. Speaking for myself, I bare the less visible but more noxious burden of my former relationships going awry. I didn't communicate with my partner properly.
Healthy relationships and communication are modeled for us by our parents and caregivers in childhood. Patterns and dynamics that we witness growing up, follow us throughout life. From my older siblings and friends I always heard: "Never show someone that they've hurt you. Just act like you don't care about what they did to you." Sadly, I followed this advice.
Non reaction to negative behavior is a failure to communicate with your partner. If someone hurts you, you are within your right to make them aware of that. How else is the other person supposed to know what bothers you or not? If your partner seems to be uninterested in your emotional reactions, end the courtship. Relationships are actually fortified after two parties effectively communicate their feelings about a conflict. Both parties are sharing their sensitivities with another person. This second crucial part of relationships is mutual vulnerability.
I learned to hide my feelings from my partner. I learned to feign strength and never show vulnerability. This is a self defeating and self destructive behavior. Feel safe enough to reveal your insecurities to your partner. S/he should respect the boundaries that you set even if they don't completely make sense in the beginning. After knowing you for awhile, s/he will begin to understand why you are sensitive to certain circumstances or stimuli.
It's important to let your partner know that s/he's hurt you. If you don't, you're not fulfilling your responsibility to your partner. S/he will feel that the hurtful behavior is okay. S/he will assume a level of inculpability. This is how serial heart breakers multiple across the globe. Stop bad behavior in it's tracks. Keep in mind that you don't want to henpeck your mate either though. Pick your battles. No need to have hour long conversations about every thing that annoys you.
My mentor's wife said something to me a few years ago and I never forgot it. "Well, no one lives in your mind." she reminded me. Those simple words sent me on a mental tailspin. Even in the apex of my non communication, I expected my partner to react a certain way without uttering a word. Then, if my partner didn't respond in the manner that I mentally prescribed, I would feel enraged and hurt. I must have been delusional back then. I created my own chaos and mental strain. How could I expect someone to react to my erratic behavior pattern that resulted from my own push and pull behavior?
Healthy Communication Mechanisms:
Identify Your Partner's Communication Style: We all communicate differently. Some of us speak louder with actions than words. Whereas, some women prefer to write out their feelings (like me). Don't read too much into body language if you know that your partner is more verbal. Know your partners key communication mechanism. Hence, you won't end up sweating the wrong stuff.
Actively Listen-Listen to what your partner is saying. Give him or her your full attention. Don't answer you cell phone if it rings. The call can wait. Your partner needs to know that your relationship is a top priority.
Reflect Back What You've Heard: For the sake of clarity, always reflect back what you think your partner has said. Reword his or her sentences. Don't be sarcastic or rude either. S/he's trying to build your relationship which you can easily break for lack of respect.
Give Your Honest Feedback: Clarify your partner's feelings with your own. Reconcile any misconceptions that s/he may have had. Admit to your shortcomings. Present your concerns with the relationship; but, don't become accusatory. If you have an issue, don't blame it on her or him. Frame your concern on the failure for the two of you to communicate clearly.
Work Out An Action Plan: Figure out the best way to avoid future miscommunication from happening with your partner. Establish a clear common goal or system of speaking and listening to one another. Set new boundaries or be willing to let old one's diminish. You'll need to compromise with your partner.
Follow Up: Check in with your partner after the situation has resolved. Use your discretion when bringing it up again. Ask your partner if s/he's noticed improvement in the situation. If s/eh has, express your pleasure. If not, discuss what may have gone awry and set a new action plan into play.No matter what you do...Never keep it all inside. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. So be mature, respectful and clear. Love enough to communicate.
How would you rank your communication level with your partner? Does it need work?
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- From: EBailey@revelife
- Name: Eryn-Ashlei
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Comments (17)
I know that clear communication can lead to a health relationship. My bf and I try, but sometimes it's a losing battle. Often times, I just clam up because of his anger issue. I'm often afraid that if I say what is on my mind, I think he might lash out on me. I know that he won't do anything to hurt me...it's just his anger that trumps everything.
We have been together for two years and we have recently set-up date night to spend time together and talk. It has improved our relationship a bit and I hope that it will go a long way.
I found that this article was every informative and I'll be using some of your hints when date night comes around. Luckily, actively listening is what we'll do best seeing that we both don't have cell phones.
i think this is the best post i've seen on this ish site.
That's what we're best at :) Haha. But really, we talk about everything. EVERYTHING. Anything in the world, from the mundane to the extremely deep to the controversial. Once you get in the habit of that, it becomes easy. We share nearly everything - and the things we don't share or forget to share etc, we will absolutely offer when asked. Our agreement is that we will never keep things bottled up. Sometimes it helps just to talk about what's bothering you - and then you realize it's not a big deal after all, you just needed to vent.
So we will vent, talk about food, chores, poop, health, politics, religion, parenting, work, music, art, books, blankets, cheese, whatever. It makes life so simple - once you learn to be open and honest and forthcoming, the relationship goes so much more smoothly.
I try. It doesn't always work out perfectly but...I really do try. Communication IS key.
I try and help my boyfriend communicate more clearly, but sometimes I just give up. But we do make sure to talk about what is bugging us, and I let him know when he's done something that has hurt me or upset me, I don't like holding that stuff in.
@KarenRBembry@xanga - i got the same angry boyfriend :P
I think a relationship is something that you will always have to work at, or put effort into. Each person in the relationship is responsible for bringing 50% to the relationship. You don't get to a certain point and say - " Well, there I put my 50% in, so whew, I can relax now." No, you are ALWAYS putting in 50%. And that is in every aspect of the relationship whether it be communication or helping with finances. Even if your relationship seems perfect, it takes work to keep it that way.
Justice For Love
I fail at communication with basically everyone. I am never able to discuss my feelings, and it sucks because it just makes my life more awkward.
this was fantastic.
my boyfriend and i practice good communication as often as possible, though of course we fuck up sometimes but we definitely work to resolve it. we follow the rules you posted and have since day one (i grew up with a counselor so i learned early) and he's always been willing to communicate with me.
his hardest part is admitting his shortcomings, which he recently told me about. he doesn't like talking about it because he wishes he didn't have those issues, but i'm glad he told me because 1-they were causing other tensions in our relationship and 2-now that i know what's bothering him i can be more aware of it and my reactions that can affect it.
it's not always stuff either of us wants to say or hear, but in the end it makes us stronger. everytime.
This is a great article. I used to have problems with communication. Hell, my boyfriend broke up with his most recent ex because she hardly ever told him her problems, and they would always escalate into huge arguments later on because he couldn't read her mind. I'm still working on the communication bit, but now that I'm with my boyfriend, I'm going to make sure that I do it. Because if I can't communicate with my boyfriend... who CAN I communicate with?
I think that everyones level of communicate is different and as the relationship goes on, you both have to learn each other's communication style, and maybe help each other improve on typical listening skills/problem solving strategies/etc.
At the beginning of my relationship with my current SO we had a very hard time communicating. He had come from a relationship where he wasn't allowed to voice his opinions and thoughts, or tell the other person that he was hurt, because she really didn't care, and made everything about him. he also isn't a very emotional person and things just don't bother him the way they would a high functioning emotional person... so we had to learn how to adapt to each other and make problems go away quicker, and learn how to actively allow each other to open up in a way that the both of us are relaxed.
Now when we have something to talk about we usually end up going on walks. This breaks down the barrier, and makes it feel like we're just talking normally. It doesn't seem liike the pressure is on...
@KarenRBembry@xanga - I'm so glad!!!
@veronika_grey@xanga - You ROCK my world for saying that! I hope to publish more.
@RACHEL___llenadeluz@xanga - Sounds rough. I been there though...
my girlfriend and i have communication problems now and then, but it has improved so much since when we first began getting serious. the main thing with us is that i tend to have a temper. when i feel attacked, or wrongfully accused of something, i lose it. i basically become a sarcastic jerk, and it isn't until a while later, when i've calmed down, that i can actually get down to actually communicating. the same can be said for the girlfriend when it comes to being sarcastic and rude. to me, much of the time, she seems like she's just concerned with being right.
we both get off on the wrong foot sometimes, but this proper communication stuff is hard work! what is one to do when dealing with a temper, or dealing with someone who is preoccupied with always being right?!
@tdrums08@xanga - Shall I write something on this topic?!?!?
@EBailey@revelife - lol any help is GREATLY APPRECIATED! :]