Tuesday, 29 June 2010
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His Skin Problem Has Become Our Problem
When I don't want to give him a massage, he will whine and guilt trip me about the pain and how much spending five to ten minutes on his body is helping him. Usually I give in, but when I don't, I face a skulking boyfriend for the next day and a half.
My boyfriend was born premature which led to all sorts of complications - he's allergic to quite a number of things and has several dermatological issues like severe eczema, cystic acne, etc. He goes through a lot of general bodily discomfort (especially around the change of seasons) and has finally found a set of creams and medication that he's not allergic to to help him feel better.
Somewhere in the two-year span since we've been living together I've been sucked into his daily skin care regimen. It started out innocuous enough; he wanted me to put some lotion on his back before bed so he doesn't dry out. Now he wants it every night - and if not lotion, a massage to help calm him down and get him to bed.
This has been going on for as long as I can remember. I truly feel sorry for his pain, but I don't feel like it should be up to me to jump in every day (or night) to come to the rescue. Is there a way I can ease myself out of this nightly rite, or am I stuck in a hole that I dug a long time ago?
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Comments (38)
If it's only five to ten minutes is it really that bad?
my boyfriend got really bad sunburn last week and he's been bitchin n moanin. and i'm all like "you shoulda worn sunscreen!"
yeah, not the same thing but that's my semi-related story.
My boyfriend has some skin issues and we've been together for four years. Every day I put his medication on his back and shoulders for him. I always have. I don't mind. I love him and I know he'd do the same for me.
But...a massage to "calm him down"? That sounds a little extreme. Sounds like he's milking it.
Wow you'd be a terrible wife if you can't do simple things like rubbing lotion on his back, you know this is not his fault & he's in a lot of pain but you can't even rub lotion on his back for a few minutes? You're so insensitive!
You are not obligated to do this for your boyfriend every night; that's ridiculous. I understand he has problems, but he needs to man up and stop bitching! My boyfriend got a sunburn last week, and he didn't whine about it (he was trying to be macho and such), but we did use it as an excuse for me to rub aloe on his back. ;) I liked doing it for him not only because I like touching him, but also because it was just a nice thing to do for him. I wanted to help him. That said, I'm sure I'd be much less willing if he started to see it as a right instead of a privilege.
Sit down and talk with him next time he whines about it. Tell him that you want to help, but some nights, you're tired, and you could use a little lovin', too (massage, anyone?). And if he insists on bitching, insist on not doing that for him anymore at all. But I'm sure he doesn't want to seem like a whiny asshole, so once you spell it out to him, it should hopefully stop, and without the obligation, you'll be more willing to do it, anyway.
@Autumnxx3@xanga - she's not saying she won't put the lotion on when he needs it, she's saying a massage every night is extreme and she doesn't feel like she has to do that part. and i agree with her. it's not insensitive, since a massage is just for him, not for his condition.
I too have some skin imperfections, but I would never expect my SO to assist me. Maybe because I can reach my back myself? (WIN!) :P I think it's something that should be done as a favour, not as a response to a request.
i have severe excema and it makes me feel like a monster. it's worst then it sounds to have people stare at you like you're some molting monster; you have to understand.
but yes, it's not your responsibility. just let it on loosely.
@dude_this_world_sux@xanga - Yeah that's true, but I wasn't sure if she just meant the massage or if she was referring to the lotion, too.
ahahha, i would totally ask for a massage back at a different time of day, or some other, equally small favor (preferrably the massage though because he can claim that other favors are "not the same!") if he refuses,then id say you, Miss, have yourself a jackass problem and should call an exterminator immediately.
The fact that he sulks is no good- but if you refuse to put lotion on his back to help him (I'm not sure if you object to that, or rather to the massages), you're acting rather selfish too. Five to ten minutes isn't going to kill you, and it will make him feel much better. So help him when he needs lotion, but tell him you want him to find his own way to relieve stress or whatever rather than him asking you to massage his back. That way, you're doing what he needs, and hopefully he becomes less of a brat about things he doesn't need.
oh ps. when i dont want to give massages, i do either WAY too hard or way too soft. soft is more obvious and thus may get you in trouble. id say go really hard. when he finally says uncle, then just tell him "well these knots arent going to go away by themselves! obviously im not going hard enough if you ask EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. gotta WORK at them i guess *DIG*"
thatll definitely get you somewhere.
I do not think he should sulk if you do not give him a massage. That is a little far. If you put the lotion on his back and what not he should be happy enough. It sounds like he just expects you to do it and that it is not something nice you are doing for him.
Perhaps there are special scrubbies/lathering sponges attached to handles that he can use to apply the lotion himself, if he truly can't reach his own back with his hands?
You might also want to assess both his and your motivations behind this regimen. For instance, do you believe him when he says he needs this lotion-rubbing/massage time? Do you believe him when he says he'll be in pain otherwise? If not, have you voiced these concerns? Maybe he'll fess up and admit he just LIKES it, and doesn't NEED it.
Also, what are your reasons for not wanting to massage him? Are you too busy or tired? Do you dislike the feeling of "giving in" to his "complaining"? Are you afraid it'll escalate into an even more intricate regimen? Does he not reciprocate this affection, and you wish he would? And again -- have you voiced these feelings to him?
I feel bad for you because this seems like an awkward situation. I'd be pissed if my boyfriend whined whenever I didn't massage him, but I might also feel guilty for not "helping" him if I thought he really needed it.
I'd definitely try and talk to him about it after you sort out your own feelings. Good luck! :)
teach him to stretch and become flexible enough so he can put lotion on his own back or you guys can compromise and have him doing something for you, like giving you a massage in return
@Venca@xanga - I was jsut about to mention loofahs, maybe one of a stick, so he can put on the lotion himself.
I have eczema and I'm also single. Needless to say, I haven't had any help taking care of my skin issues.
HOWEVER, if you really care about your boyfriend, you should expect this to be a part of YOUR life if it's a part of HIS. After all, you two are in a relationship, and it includes sharing things.
Still, he shouldn't be whining about it, and I think he should be more considerate of you. Maybe he should give you massages in return, or show some true appreciation for what you're doing. Give a little, get a little. But honestly I think what started out as a favor turned into an obligation, and if you're not in agreement with it, you need to talk to him.
yeaaah nah. I guess it depends on how you feel about this, helping him every now and then is fine, my brother has dry skin and every now and then he comes knocking to my room to ask for help... but EVERY night? and a MASSAGE? tell him to man up a bit... he sounds like a moaner. As if guilt trip your gf for petty crap like that! good luck!
Um... I don't see the problem with taking 5-10 mins out of your day to rub lotion on your bf's back so he doesn't have to sleep in pain. You're kind of a terrible gf if you're not even willing to do that!
A massage every night is stretching it, but the lotion - it seems do-able.
make him massage you after?
Okay, in general: Helping SOs with skin problems = good.
But based on your description of his reaction if you say no (especially if it's about a massage, not the lotion) this sounds like a power struggle at heart. I would sit down with him and (gently--anger may very well make matters worse/not be productive) say that you are happy to rub lotion on him when he needs it, but (as someone above suggested) you need some attention too--and some nights you just need to take care of yourself. Perhaps suggest that you feel like you are being taken for granted.
Also, if you try to start a massage-trading trend he may be less inclined to ask for a massage if he knows he is expected (at least some of the time) to return the favor.
Massage each night- too much, unless he was also born with some muscular problems.
Lotion- should be doable, I say you could at least do that. But he should not whine about it or guilt trip you. Just talk to him and say it makes you feel bad for him to do that, and you want to feel like you're really helping him out, not just doing it because you have to.
And massage trading sounds great. :D
I know exactly how you feel. I had an ex that had severe eczema and at first, I was perfectly fine with it, but then it turned into me rubbing him down with lotion after each shower, him smearing half of my expensive face cream on himself in a week (it's $27 a bottle...), massages all to distract him from the itching, me sweeping my bed each morning so I wouldn't be laying in a bed of his dead skin, him bleeding all over my sheets and my clothes....UGH. It's hard getting bloodstains out of things. It would affect our sex life because I couldn't touch him certain ways and he'd always be depressed when we went out into public or took pictures. I know I sound like a bitch right now. I still feel like I was one because I did bother me and I did find it a little gross to breath in his dead skin. When we did break up (after over 3 years, mind you), it wasn't because of this though.
What I'm saying is that it's okay for you to feel like this. I know we really can't resent someone for something they can't change, but it does affect your life. He should do something for you too. It's only fair. Just because you're not suffering doesn't mean that he can't do nice things for you in return. Getting badgered for things like that makes it an obligation. It should always be more of a choice.
Dude, he looks like the guy from Big Bang Theory.
Okay. For some reason people on here are telling you that your a bad girlfriend but I'm not going to jump to that conclusion because there are alot of things about your relationship that I do not know. You could tell him that you don't like being asked to massage him in a naggy, guilt tripping way. You could ask for a favor in return so it doesn't seem so bad.
Looking at it medically, a massage is not required for his condition. It's not a muscular disorder by any means. Also when I was in highschool I had cystic acne. You do NOT want to touch cystic acne. There are bacteria all over your hands that will make your acne worse and irritate the hell out of it. You need to let your spoiled prince know that for his own benefit.