Tuesday, 29 June 2010

• Just Don't Do It: Flaw Talk

  
  We’re all a little bit insecure – hey, if you think you’re perfect you’re bound to be wrong!  We’ve all lived with ourselves long enough to know which physical, emotional, and mental qualities that we posses against our own wills and wishes – and that we would change if we could.  

  In other words, we all know our own flaws.  And sometimes when we’re getting to know someone new, we get worried about these flaws. Chatty Kathy wonders if she’s gonna talk her date’s ear off, Negative Nancy wonders if her cynicism will tire her date out, and Positive Paul (I needed to include a boy) wonders if his date will be irritated by his upbeat tone.  You get the idea.

  Since we’re nervous, worried, and slightly hyperactive in the midst of our new dating situations, we may be tempted to cut right to the chase - by talking about our flaws before they get to creep out at their own pace.  We may think of this as a time-saving technique, or perhaps as a sort of compensation for the flaws themselves.

  Whatever our reasoning behind issuing out flaw forewarnings to a PSO may be is ultimately irrelevant – the issuance is ALWAYS a mistake, for 3 main reasons. 

  Reason 1: Flaws derive from opinion, not fact.   Qualities that are flaws to you may be loved and cherished by someone else – describing qualities as being flawed or unfavorable upfront categorizes them in the mind of your PSO before s/he has the chance to decide whether or not s/he actually dislikes them.

  So not only are you drawing attention to traits, you’re emphasizing their strictly bad aspects.

  Reason 2:  You’ll seem undatably insecure.  When someone is hard on themselves, it is more than likely they’ll be pretty hard on other people, too – especially people close to them, that they may hold up to standards almost as high as the ones they hold for themselves. 

  The flaw talking thus may be perceived by your PSO as a red flag – and you as someone s/he doesn’t want to get close to.  You never get a second chance to make a first impression, and this particular impression may be a deal-breaker.  Not worth it.

  Reason 3: You’re handing a weapon to someone you don’t know yet.  Bashing yourself is often perceived by others as a concession to them to do the same.  Unless you mean to give the OK to someone to rag on you for the very same things you already rag on yourself for, don’t give them the list of possibilities too early on.

  If only we were all perfect – but there’s a reason that perfection doesn’t exist.  We all have different likes and dislikes, and thus we all click and clash with different types of people and their relative qualities.  You may dislike some of your own attributes, but talking about them with someone new is never a good idea.

  It may be hard in a state of heightened nerves not to worry about the emergence of your flaws, and while you may not be able to stop yourself from the worry, when it comes to the vocalization part – just don’t do it.

  
  

  Have you ever regretted talking about your flaws?  Have you ever been turned off by someone who talks about theirs?

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