There was this man I used to work with at my old job about 5 months ago. I liked talking to and joking around with him. He had that boyish charm that I like in men- grownup but not too old to have silly fun. He was good looking and he could very easily put me at ease. I just liked having him around me and I think he liked me, too.
But I think in both our minds.....we would not date each other because he probably felt I was a little young for him.
We were both in our 20's about 6 years apart. I didn't quite have my life together then because I was finishing up school and I was still living at home with my parents. At the time, he was also going through a tough breakup with a coworker he had been dating for the past year and I didn't want to throw myself into the crossfire.
Today, I am wondering if it could be a real possibility. We no longer work together, but we keep in touch through Facebook. There is still one thing that troubles me: He is a single dad with a 7-year old son. Never married, never divorced. (You know, sometimes things just happen.) They have a strong father-son relationship. He loves his son more than anything in the world and everyone knows he is a good father. He still shares custody with the boy's mother, trading him back and forth every other week or so. (He said the boy's mom betrayed him for his best friend so that's why they never worked out their relationship and never pursued marriage.)
Is it a good idea to get into a relationship with a single parent? What kind of challenges should I expect? How would his son perceive me? How am I supposed to interact with his son? Would it even matter as long as his father and I love each other?
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Comments (11)
I'm not gonna say don't do it, because plenty of great relationships come from situations like this. And I don't know much about kids, but I can tell you this - the son will always come first. Understand this. He. is. first. Also, you always have to be aware of how the kid is feeling. You're sort of dating them both. And be sure you want kids and wouldn't mind raising someone else's kid, if this relationship works out for the long run/into marriage. If not, why bother starting it?
Just a few friendly words. Honestly, if you like kids, and are good with them, or can learn to be good with them, I say go for it. Good luck!
Lot's of questions here!
1) Don't be childish- it's just as good an idea as getting into a relationship in the first place.2) There will be additional challenges, such as allowing him time for his son and also he won't be able to, for instance, leave his son unattended to go with you, etc. But these challenges are just like most other challenges that come with a relationship- there's no such thing as a straight-forward and simple one!3) Don't worry about making an impression on his son- then you'll start acting differently and not being yourself, which doesn't do anyone involved any good. Be yourself. That's all you CAN do. What the son thinks is up to him. If you make a big deal about this then it will become a big deal4) Interact how you want to! Don't listen to other people or try and replicate what they do! Be nice to him, treat him like your own son, buy him gifts, do whatever, as long as you feel natural doing it and you are comfortable with it. You'll probably grow to love him if you do go for the relationship!5) Again, don't make a big deal with it. Focus your attention on the guy, and maintain a positive outlook on things and I'm sure your happiness will rub off on his son!I think that, if he is a nice guy, you should go for it. I don't have any perspective to offer on this though. I have never been in this situation.
Like the other commenter said, remember the kid always comes first. And don't expect to meet the kid or be around him all the time. He may be a protective dad who doesn't want his kid to meet women he's not sure if he's serious about. Remember they are a package deal. You want the guy, you have to want the kid, too. The kid always comes first so if for some reason the kid and you do not get along, that could mean the end of the relationship. But if you meet the kid and you get along great that could just cement the relationship.
Also, remember if you guys seriously for a long time and it doesn't work out, you risk getting close to two people you could lose. And although the mother and the guy aren't together anymore, she does have a say in her son's life. Make sure you don't get off on the wrong foot with her. Know that she is always going to be a part of that man's life whether you like it or not. They share a son. If you get into a relationship with him, you're going to have to deal with her sooner or later. It's better if you guys are civil with each other. Having her on your side is better than having her as an enemy. If she says she doesn't want you around her kid, she might win that battle, signaling the end of your relationship with the guy. Just know that there is a lot for you to worry about if the relationship gets serious.If you think you could see yourself dealing with some of these issues or loving his kid aswell, start with dinner and then see where it goes.Also, I'd like to disagree with Jack Morrison. Treating him like your own son too early could cause problems between you and the guy and you and the child's mother. So remember your place.
I've done this.
My last ex was 4 yrs older than me, and he was 21ish when we got together, he had a child at the age of 17. I at first was very reluctant to date him. I come from a broken family, and I was that kid at one point, where there were guys and girls coming and going out of my life from my parents dating excursions. I finally decided it couldn't hurt, but I made a deal that I didnt want to meet the kid until we'd been together long enough that I knew I wasn't going anywhere. He said that was cool, then a week later, he introduced me to Brandon. While this frustrated me, I let it go and we stayed together a lot longer than I really would have in normal circumstances. We weren't working out, all we did was fight, but I really liked his son, and I liked being able to teach him things, like tying his shoes, or his ABCs, etc. He didn't know those things before I came around, and I got really close to him, so walking away didnt seem like the right thing to do.
In the end, for my own sanity, it came down to it, and I did leave. I still remember packing to go, and Brandon running up to me saying, "I don't want you to move far away :("
That cut like a flippin knife, and for this reason I can honestly tell you that I would never again date a man with a child.
I'm married now, happily, and it's been 3 yrs since that split, but it still kills me slightly on the inside to see recent pictures of Brandon and know he probably doesn't remember me, or he's mad at me for leaving.
It's entirely up to you, but due to my experience with the situation, I'd stay away from it =/...
Dating someone with kids is difficult because you are not only dating him, you are dating both of them. Asking us shows sign that you are uncertain about your relationship with him. Which means you have doubts that things will work out between you two but, just can't admit it to yourself.
I agree with the first post, the son will always come first. You would have to understand that before anything could happen. Talk to the guy, express your concerns up front. It might seem fast, but it's not like this is something you can ignore. I'm a single parent, and there was a guy I was interested in who didn't think he was ready for a relationship with a single mom. We talked about it, and gave it some time. He decided he wanted to give it a try. He knew that he wouldn't be playing daddy, and that while she comes first to me, I'd always make time for us too. We recently broke up because our relationship moved too fast for him (moving in), but we're still great friends. And my daughter knows him as what he his, my boyfriend. (And she's only two.)
Good luck:).
Well, if not, then on his end it kinda sucks. If he's a single parent, he probably would like to find someone to fill the missing role of parent for the child. If you're not open to that, then he's kinda screwed, just because he has a kid.
I'm in no position to give advice on this, because I wouldn't want to do something like that.. a kid is a dealbreaker for me.
Children form attachments quickly and easily. You should date the guy for a while and decide if you're in it for a long time before you even meet the child, even casually. Otherwise, you're subjecting the child to unnecessary pain if it doesn't work out. What's best for the child is more important than either of you.