Thursday, 24 June 2010
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Help! My Friends Hate My SO!
Two of my "friends" Kristin and Sahra hate my boyfriend. They will ignore my text messages if I invite them to do something, or go to a party my boyfriend is attending with me, they spread a lot of negativity to me in passive aggressive forms, usually gossip. They talk with each other in front of me about how they think he's is controlling me and that I am too obsessed with him. I have confronted and tried to rectify this problem frequently for the past few months. I've sent them letters telling them about how I feel, I've invited them to group friend dates that they didn't make time for, and I've spent hours trying to figure out why they would think the things they do about my boyfriend.
Their negative feelings for him started when he didn't want me to go to Kristin's house wearing lingerie while Kristin was having a small lingerie get together party. My boyfriend said he didn't feel comfortable with my other guy friends staring at my assets and begged me to just wear a dress instead. I argued with him, but agreed since it wasn't too unheard of and he asked me without getting angry. I made the mistake of mentioning this to Kristin and Sahra, and they snapped that he was insecure and that he should get over it. Me and him both went to the party anyway and ironically no one felt like changing into the bags of lingerie they brought with them. With everyone wearing normal clothes the whole time, I felt like it hadn't really been a big deal, but they never forgot it.
Since then I've felt a lot of negativity from them. I'll mention my boyfriend up and Sahra will interrupt what I'm saying and say "That's because he's five." Or something rude like that. Still I know most of their "Her boyfriend is whatever" conversations happen when I'm not around.
Kristin and Sahra are both in hard places in their lives. Kristin just got kicked out of community college and is stoned most of the time. She blames everyone but herself for her position. Sahra has a steady boyfriend Zach who has cheated on her and regularly calls up his ex-girlfriend and doesn't even bother to hide it.
My boyfriend has never cheated on me, threatened me, or hit me. He's not obsessive. We are both honors college students at OU, we both work, and although I always see him on Friday, I still have room to see my other friends at least once a week.
I feel like their ill feelings are coming from their own insecurities. Although arrogant, I feel as though my friends may also be a bit jealous. My best friend Michelle says I shouldn't go out of my way to stay in contact or involve them in my lives and I agree. I've decided to try to be passive about this and just pull away from them and not let them hurt me with their negativity. I still have other friends and want to get involved in school clubs in the fall to maybe meet some new ones at OU. I've made tons of excuses for them, tried to ignore it, but after 6 months of this I've had it.
Have you ever been in a situation when you felt that your friends unfairly judged your SO? How did you deal with it?
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About the Author
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- From: sunraycatcher@xanga
- About Me: A cute, petite, moody 18 yearold girl. Working towards a Pharm PhD, has amazing grades. Blunt when she needs to be. She doesn't need much, she just loves science and organization. She just needs to be loved by her few special people. She is an INTJ.
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Comments (31)
My friends have always been right about guys I've dated. The friends who didn't bs, anyway.
There are those friends who will tell you whatever you want to hear, or conversely will just always try to sabotage you because misery loves company, etc. I just don't listen to them.Maybe they're jealous or want you to be in the same boat as them. I wouldn't hang out with them, really. They don't sound like friends.
@WhenHateIsTheOnlyOption@xanga - agreed
Get rid of them..real friends won't do that even if they don't like your bf. They will be nice and calm instead of being hurtful like that. Had that happen all the time..and i still do especially with my best friends..they may "hate" or think he's "ugly" but they tolerate him and they don't spread gossips and be mean like your so called friends.
Just drop them..find better friends..
In my experience, I would say "trust your friends" because real friends wouldn't say anything about your relationship unless they really think it's a bad idea.
But from what you're describing, I think I'd get a second opinion. Does everyone hate your boyfriend? Or just these two?
your friends are being immature and ridiculous. the problem started because he had a reasonable problem, and they felt that it wasn't fair to them, but it had nothing to do with them. they're the ones who are being controlling if they expect you to separate them from your boyfriend, when they're both part of your life.
Quit being friends with them. I've stopped being friends with someone who was a crappy person/friend, & I couldn't be any happier.
Sounds like your friends need therapy.
yeah sounds as if theyre a wee bit jealous
Your friends sound annoying. My best friend loathes my boyfriend, but she's not always bitching about him in front of me. You can hate the boyfriend and still be a decent person to hang around.
Sound like great friends.
My friends have never met my boyfriend, but they don't like him. Simply because he's 11 years older than I am and has a 5 year old son. I think they unfairly judge him, and us, for sure.
When I was dating my ex-boyfriend, the guy before my current boyfriend, one of my "best friends" stopped speaking to me for months, without even explaining why. Once we broke up, the friend and I started hanging out again, and she said it was because she didn't like him (again, she never met him) because she knew/thought we were doing drugs together. She had no real proof though; she's just judgemental.Nope. When my friends hated my ex, they were warranted. when i hate my friends' SOs, its warranted. Only time I ever had a problem is when my friends judged my ex simply because he was Jewish. That's when it made for real shit because it was disgusting and bigoted.
Maybe you're dick-whipped and don't see it and they don't like it, therefore judge him based on your behavior. Maybe they blame him for the changes they don't care for in you.
maybe your friends are jealous but maybe you should take a step back from your relationship to observe what they don't like and confront them and ask them what their problem really is. Talk to them about it, that's the only way you're going to get resolve.
it sounds to me like they may be a bit jealous, especially if one of them has a bf who cheats on her, and your bf is perfectly good to you. Sometimes friends can be right about people, but from reading this I think that they are just being immature.
I think your friends are jealous of your good situation w/ your boyfriend. They probably have never felt the warm feeling of having a great boyfriend, so they believe every guy is a jerk (including your boyfriend) But you do have a good boyfriend, so they do not understand why he would not let you go to a lingerie party w/ all the other random guys staring at your assets.
My friends like my boyfriend & doesn't mind if he tags along every so often, but that was because we all hung out together in high school (: Good friends will be happy for you if you get a good BF, bad friends won't (unless there's a legitimate reason for them not liking your BF, like him cheating on you or murdering someone....)Â
Your friends may be right. You may just not be looking because you just want to see only the good out of your guy and just won't admit it (I have had friends like that). I had a friend who just couldn't see how horrible of a boyfriend she had and it was just a mess.
My friends normally have been justified in not liking one of my boyfriends (they have liked almost all of them) and they turned out to be right and really did have my best interest at heart. However, with the same guy, one of my friends who hated him I guess REALLY liked him underneath, cause they were hooking up behind my back. So I guess you can't always trust your friends?
I would just say take a good look at your relationship with someone who knows everything for themselves (and not through just what you tell them) and they can give you a neutral perspective and an honest response.
Dude, your "friends" aren't worth the time you're putting into them. The problem isn't that they don't like your SO, it's that they're kind of losers. No offense to them, but seriously, they're the ones with the problems, not you.
Pick up and move on. This Michelle chick sounds like she's got a head on her shoulders and you should listen to her.
If one of your friend is stoned most of the time and the other is staying with an unfaithful man, I'd say stay away from them especially because they are inconsiderate of your feelings when speaking of your boyfriend. If that was the only case that your friends thought your bf was "controlling" then they need to get over their selves.
They sure as hell don't sound like "best friends" more like, "i'll be your friend, say rude things about your boyfriend and not care about your feelings just because it makes me feel better."
They sure as hell do not deserve to be friends with you if thats how they're going to be. My best friend of 6 years was exactly like this. I never spent much time single between relationships and i never had a "bad" relationship. in all of them we genuinly liked each other and they just ended of mutual agreements. All of her relationships however, were long distance, cheaters, abusers, drug addicts, or she had simply never met them. She spent all her time around me tearing me to pieces saying my boyfriends were horrible people. Not once did she take the time to sit and think about the people she was dating... Turns out she was just as bad as her boyfriends. She constantly made up rumours about me and/or my boyfriend as well as eventually cheated on ever single boyfriend since she was 14, she's now 19..
You and your boyfriend do not have to put up with that crap for something as common as a guy not wanting other guys to see their missus in lingerie. Im pretty sure every guy i know would have done the exact same thing
in all honesty... it depends on what kind of relationship you're in.
personally, my SO is not only my boyfriend... he's my BEST best friend. first among equals, so to speak. and much like in the past, when i would have a super close friend i'd always turn to first for everything, he has taken that position for me. some of my other friends don't like it... but they're the type of girls who think Sex in the City is the new dating guidebook for women. they treat men like accessories and/or pets (even the ones who are in serious long-term relationships... boy do i feel sorry for those guys). they could never imagine a man being THE most important thing in their life, because they have yet to find someone they deem worthy. i really believe i have found a man worthy of that position.
and plus, they need to realize that regardless, you are responsible for your own actions. my SO does not make me do anything. he simply makes his opinion known, and it's up to me to choose what i want to do. some days, i make the right decision... some days, i don't. some days i ditch him for my friends when i should have stayed with him.. some days i ditch them for him when i should have hung out with my friends. it's a difficult balancing act, but especially for me because i'm not all that social. when i DO want to be social, it's usually with him.
When my friends disliked most of my ex's, I ignored them.
if they're the only person who hates ur bf. then they're probably just being insecure or whatever .... from ur story, i think ur bf had a good reason to ask u not to wear lingerie.. i think if my SO got invited to a boxers n lingerie party I would say no too! Right now, I personally dislike someone's SO, but I almost never say anything neg about him.
Why are you holding on to those 'losers'? Seems like they are only bringing you down..good luck..
@WhenHateIsTheOnlyOption@xanga - Agreed.
@TruthOfRain@xanga - They sure do..
@JinXd_Icicle@xanga - She did try to talk to them..read the post again.
what if they can see something bad about him that you cannot... love is blind...
He sounds like an all around decent guy, but there must be something those two don't like? Maybe they think he's more controlling that he really is. Do any of your other friends, that aren't in a hard time in their life, have problems with him? If not, then maybe it is just them? Maybe they don't want you happy because they aren't. If other friends feel the same way, then you may want to look a little deeper, just in case.
Either way, good luck! (:
@youthinasia613@xanga - just those two. Mostly just one of them.