Wednesday, 23 June 2010
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The Friend Who Challenged the Boundaries of Your Friendship
I'm expanding upon a response I made to an older post and would like to hear your thoughts and share your stories :)
I have a long time guy friend who I don't see very often- maybe once or twice a year. He is an old fashion gentlemen who came from a small town with small town values- literally, the most polite man on earth. He is often traveling to exotic countries or attending school in another state but once in a while, he will return to visit his friends here. So whenever he comes back, we'll make plans like go to the movies or eat dinner together. It's not a date, just two friends catching up. That's what I believed anyways.
It was a cold night in February. First, we went to see The Dark Knight at IMAX. After the movie, we were both hungry and I was in the mood for Mexican food. I was expecting us to drop by a Taco Bell or On the Border, someplace inexpensive. Instead, he took me to a rather upscale restaurant. It was too nice (for someone who was just a friend) that I felt almost uncomfortable to be there. When I looked at the menu, my eyes nearly jumped out of their sockets because the prices were ridiculous. I asked him if this was okay and he insisted that I not worry about it. So I ordered half a bowl of soup and said that I would help pay for half the bill. When the bill finally came though, he would not let me look at the ticket much less put in a nice tip. I was taught growing up to never let my friends pay for me. It's the courteous thing to do. Anyways, this has always been an issue when we hang out and I don't know how to get that through to him.
Afterwards, we drove around town and took a walk down a small shopping strip. All the while, he's opening every door for me (the car door, too) and complimenting the way I look. As we were walking down the strip, I was feeling chilly even with my jacket. He started to put his arm around me and rubbing my back very softly as I was shivering. I know he was being nice but his overt friendliness was making me uneasy. I should have said something but I didn't want to insult someone who only seemed to care. After all, I was glad to be spending time with him after not seeing him for so long.
At the end of the night, when he was dropping me off and we are saying our good night's, he put his hands around my waist and started to lean into me. He wanted to kiss but I jerked away from him. I tried laughing it off, too, to put him at ease. I really didn't want to kiss him but he kept persevering. My mind was racing, "He doesn't understand. He's not backing down!" Then on his third "try" I finally relented and gave him a small peck on the lips. I felt bad instantly. I think that kiss meant more to him than it did to me.
When I called him later that night, I asked him why he did that and what it meant. He said the night was going so well and that I looked very nice and the moment just felt right. He said he did not mean to lead me on into thinking he was looking for a girlfriend. His answer really upset me. How could he have been so careless? I thought he understood me and what a kiss would have meant. Or is this something he normally does when he goes out with his other girl friends? Was he following a script? Take a girl out and then kiss her goodnight? I couldn't go on without telling him that my trust in him had been violated. He continued to be so innocent though, so clueless as to what he had just done.
A year later, he finally got around to talking about it and admitted being attracted to me. The kiss was important to him but he was still adamant about remaining single if any girl asked. By that time, I had already made my peace with the matter and considered it closed. We are still friends today but there's an ineffable distance between us. He is a different person to me now. There are many times I wish I had done something different- or not done something.
Who is the friend who challenged the boundaries of your friendship? Bring something upon you in the spur of the moment kind of thing? How did you cope with it? Is it possible to kiss a friend and not have it mean something more? Can a man be too chivalrous, too nice?
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- From: CrossYourHeart21@xanga
- Name: CrossYourHeart21
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Comments (24)
who initiates the hang outs? if it's him then you're in for a doozy...
sex solves everything. you should have just banged him to get over the awkwardness of a kiss.
hmm, makes me think about me and this friend I have. i've thought about crossing the boundary but im pretty sure it will lead to bad results..
I have now crossed the friend line with two of my friends. One of them involved nothing more than holding hands and a quick peck on the lips. At the time I liked him a lot, but I still doesn't really mean anything to me. He'll actually bring it up sometimes, which I find strange. Especially since it definitely meant more to me than it did to him. In the second case, had several hot and heavy makeout sessions with one of my other friends. We both liked each other at the time but he seems to currently no longer have interest in anything between us. In bother situations I do not regret anything that happened, but in the second one I do kinda wish it had different results. I totally think it is possible to kiss a friend and not have it mean something more.
I had "just a friend" who I used to make out with. He was the one that initiated it, and apparently it's something that he's done before. I mean, it was the BEST making out of my whole entire life and I did develop feelings for him, but he was just NOT interested in having me as a girlfriend, just a friend! It was completely unnerving to me how completely natural he was about the whole thing. When I tried to suggest that we try to be something more than just friends, he explained that he liked girls that were mean to him.........I dunno, he was a weirdo. We no longer talk although I still have him on facebook. He did used to help me out with problems I had and whatnot but it felt like he was just in it for the making out. Definitely was one-sided. After the initial feelings wore off, I realized I just really liked the making out too, LOL.
I've crossed the friend boundary a few times too many and as far as my experience goes, it's never a good idea. It's easy to go from friend to more-than, but more-than to friends is an entirely different story.
And on the case of a man being too chivalrous, I fancy myself a very old fashioned kind of gentleman. I always open doors and grab the bill, letting compliments fly. I don't do it with ulterior motives when I'm out with a friend of the opposite sex. That's just the way I was raised.
Yeah you were right to feel uncomfortable. This has happened to me too. No matter what he says, his actions convey what he is really thinking. You were in the right on this.
@atmaster@xanga - agreed. lol at least that's what I would've done. haha
I've had guy friends ask if I was into them before, and I've caught several checking me out, but that's about as far as its went.
DON'T DO IT!!!!
I was tempted and crossed that forbidden bridge. It was a horrible experience and left me broken hearted minus a friend.
I always had this idea that no boy should act as my boyfriend.
I would not let guys open doors for me, pay for my lunch, or care for me in any way
because it was a place for my boyfriend, I felt that being my boyfriend was a privilege (not to be conceited, but that's what I thought).
There were times when some of my guy friends tried to over step boundaries.
I was pretty adamant though. I am pretty serious about relationships.
And guys understood.
When I was single, when my guy friends overstepped their boundaries
I found it as a way of flirting and so I did not mind too much.
But I never took them seriously. If they wanted to be my boyfriend then they better say it.
Sometimes flirting is fun, but just remember never take it seriously.
Now I have a boyfriend, I have zero tolerance for any of my guys friends over stepping boundaries. This has resulted to friendship break ups, but it's ok.
I had a friend like this. We were so close, like brother-sister kind of close and I spent the night with him many times. I never liked him more than that, but I guess he did. My fault partly because I was with him so often, maybe. We had a couple of other friends over one night and we were drinking and he kissed me, but I don't think I thought much of it at the time. Then he started talking about me making a choice between him and my other guy friends, like we were dating or something. We stopped talking, and it was weird because we had spent SO much time together - like, I'm talkin' every day. He moved to a different school soon after, too, and said all this stuff like it was too hard to see me with other guys, IDK. He was REALLY creepy when I think back on everything.
Then there was the time when I was the GIRL friend that went too far. It isn't exclusive to guys to be awkward like this! I really liked him and one day we hung out and I just decided to kiss him and he was like, "Wtf." Again .. stopped being friends. He said after he would have been okay with more than friends except we only would have had a few months because he moved away and all this stuff. Saved myself a lot of trouble there.
UGH! I HATE THAT CREEPER SHIT...even if they are genuinely being nice but sometimes it's doing too much! that is why after coming across a buncha guys that did that shit to me i just got uncomfortable and i just don't even bother to make friends with guys anymore 'cuz i'm afraid they're gonna creep up on me... it's just uncomfortable and i didn't know wth to do other than just keep my distance... or cut them off completely... which i did... ugh! it just makes them seem desperate at the same time...
Wow....I submitted this post about a month ago and now Datingish decides to post it?? I've seen rubbish written yesterday that was posted faster. Honestly, did they just get lazy? Or maybe I neglected to talk about sex and body parts so it wasn't a "worthy" piece. Lame.....
hmm wow that seems messed up. maybe it was just lust or a splurge of the moment thing
@CrossYourHeart21@xanga - I love your entry. I am glad they finally posted it!
It's good to know I'm not the only one who has been confused by a guy who has tested the boundaries of friendship. yet of course, I was left to feel like the silly one. And we've known each other for five years. ooo what we have been through...haha. it's so weird, he seems to do these things always when I least expect him to. As in, when I finally accept he doesn't and will never want me. So I'm ALWAYS caught off guard. which causes me to freak out, then he's all like Ohh nevermind. which totally sucks since his actions left me totally wanting him again. but now that it's summer we have our space. Now that I think of it, maybe his actions do make sense, I mean, we had both gone to the same high school and were both going to the same college, so we knew each other while being surrounded by all these people we didn't know. so could have just been a comfort thing. Sigh. oh well. I know that the situation of confusion is over for good though. Sophomore year of college...I hope you are wonderful.
I had a friend who I only saw as a "friend" who put his hands on my shoulders - and I shuddered. But I understand where you are coming from - you are uncomfortable but don't want to voice it because it might seems rude while they are doing it out of consideration.
should have been more rough and said no, I don't have feelings for you like this.
Ugh. I invited my ex-boyfriend over and apparently, my being friendly is perceived as flirty (so maybe I am more in your boy's position? I don't know). He leaned in and started to kiss me, and there wasn't much I could do. Anyways, I get swept up with these kinds of things and I can't just turn somebody down, so it led to a week of me leading him on before I crushed him. Again.
I really need to learn how to just say no. Hearing a guy cry is NOT cool.
He raped your mouth with a kiss
yikes..I felt violated for you as I read this...
Put your foot down, and don't cross that line. I refuse to cross any lines with any of my males friends and I make that point loud and clear
I have a guy who I've been off and on with for three freaking years. It's in a way my own dumb fault for letting it get so far. But he is the guy who took my virginity. Anyway for the longest time he has been that one guy I always went back to and kept trying, because he made it seem he wanted to pursue a relationship and take our great friendship to the next level. Last year I ended up meeting a new guy and we started dating which really pissed guy #1 off. But the relationship didn't last and once again I found myself randomly ending up with this guy. We had more of a texting friendship than an actual hanging out he is a little strange. To make matters worse we had made a pact to continue being friends and not allow our intimate time interfere or cause awkwardness. Which is obviously both a good idea and a very horrible idea, because now he all of a sudden is with a random girl who isn't his type but maybe they'll work. Even though shortly before they began dating he claimed he "loved me" and told two of my best friends he did. But once I found out and his friend had convinced him to hang with this girl he's with her and telling me he loves me but isn't in love with me its complete bullshit. He strung me along to believe so many lies and in the end I got completely screwed over. Boys can be completely heartless. watch out
@nini - wow... that sounds exactly like what happened to my best friend... sorry to hear :(
well no guys have ever liked me. :( it's sad, i know. haha. i really don't care, since i've had this lifelong impression that teen guys are all jerks that shouldn't be trusted. i don't really give a shit what other people think about my view on guys right now, because i'd rather stay cautious than be gullible and get hurt. i will never date in my teens, and since i'm going to be in my twenties soon, i'll probably let loose and accept guys into my life. it doesn't feel like a long wait to me, mostly because i don't even feel ready to commit myself in that way. i want to discover who i am before i share my life with someone else.
idk but all my guy friends are the chill type. they don't really have too much energy haha. but they're fun and i just enjoy talking to them. but if any of them pulled a kiss on me, i'd feel sooooo awkward! i don't think it's possible for a dude to kiss a girl and then expect their friendship to remain just a friendship. once you kiss, you've crossed the boundaries!
Okay this so called 'friend' didn't challenge the friendship on the spur of the moment, but basically throughout. My ex boyfriend who was too spineless to take our relationship vaguely seriously in public in anyway.He breaks up with me, i get over it...quickly by the way, and decide to do the friendship thing. Now that were friends, i think it's all merry. I'm seeing someone else, i'm going through the happy motions, he becomes convinced that my unavilability is the perfect time for us to go into a serious relationship. He tries to manipulate me, guilt trap me, put ridiculous pressure on me, i finally snap and say enough is enough!! He's now turned and started telling all my personal affairs to some of his family members i used to get along with,simply because i wouldn't sleep with him. He can call it whatever he wants to call it, but i know because he's asked me so many times. How sad.