Wednesday, 23 June 2010
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Datingish Advice: Do I Stay With Him, Or Move Forward?
In the Datingish Advice section, rozewyn wrote:
I'll try to make this as brief and to the point as I can possibly make it while divulging the most information I can.I have been dating my current boyfriend for a year now, and living with him for almost as long. I bravely made a 2000 mile move away from my home to be with him. Our chemistry was amazing at first, and as perfect as a relationship could be. But then...well the usual problems come up. Now, a year later, I'm still faced with the same problems. I have tried so hard to get a job, and make a life for myself here with him, but I'm no closer to any of that than I was when I first came out to be with him. I am still jobless despite my efforts, I am still not in college, and he doesn't want to go back either, even though I do. I feel like our lives are moving in two different directions and I don't know what I should do.
I have a heavy choice to make, and its not an easy one. I can either go home for a few weeks and work things out for myself and decide whether I want to come back after spending time with my family and friends back home revitalized and then try again to make things work between me and him. OR I can go home for good, move forward with my life(get a job, go back to college), which obviously would end my relationship with him because he's told me multiple times that LDR are not for him. He's been very supportive of me so far in my confusion, and I love him so much.
What should I do? Do I go home and put my life back together but lose everything I have with him, or do I just go home for a few weeks and come back to him ready to try again?
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Comments (15)
Don't ever let a man hold you back. If the relationship with him is keeping you out of school and from making a life for yourself, then you should move on.
go home for a few weeks and make a permanent decision. if you find it easier to go back to your life of college and a job, and if you still can't find anything for you near him stay where you are and move on.
You've made your sacrifices for him, but what have he done for you? A relationship is a give and a take. He should support you on whatever decision you decide to make for yourself because at the end, there is no guarantee that he will be by your side. If it was me, I'll make a decision that is best for me and my future. I'm not going to stick around and let someone hold me back. Good luck!
It doesn't sound like he's willing to give very much in this relationship. He should be willing to at least consider the option of moving somewhere that you're both happy. Also, if he won't even consider a LDR it doesn't sound like he's really willing to fight for you or the relationship. I would move back for awhile and see if you miss being back there with him.
Don't let a guy hold you back from a good future. Unless he's really rich and can support you well and you want that kind of lifestyle (and it seems like you don't), the guy is not working hard enough to warrant you giving up everything for him. Your boyfriend should be a support, not a problem. Going to college is also such a crucial step to getting a good job. It's something on which you shouldn't have to compromise.
@PseudoEuphoric@xanga - good quote. : )
It sounds like you jumped the gun. I have dated my boyfriend for nearly four years and still haven't made the 3,000 mile journey to be with him. For myself, I believe it is completely irresponsible to leave without a job lined up. It also doesn't sound like your boyfriend is very compromising.
If I were you, I'd leave and go home. Forget him. If he can't deal with an LDR then you know he didn't mean much to you. Nearly years into our relationship my boyfriend brought up the fact he'd be moving 3,000 miles away for graduate school. My boyfriend told me I didn't have to stay with him if I didn't like the idea of an LDR. We decided to give it a try (it took me a few months to accept the fact). A year later we are still strong and emotionally connected as ever. He knows that I refuse to move out to CA without having a job first. It also sounds like your big move has stalled your plans for college. Moving back home would be much cheaper. Then again, if you are living in the same place as him for almost a year, you could join a local college as an in-state resident and meet new people there.
Coming from a career woman, I'd rather have the opportunity to go to college than have a boyfriend. You will meet alot of people in college so chances are you won't be alone after you've given yourself time to heal from the breakup. College is full of unique experiences without the real world pressures. It's your last chance to be a kid again (at least that's what it was for me). You said you've been job hunting for a year now? It's time to move on and make some changes. If you have dreams and aspirations of making something better for yourself, you need to pursue them. GEDs and high school diplomas just won't cut it anymore in this day and age. It sounds like your boyfriend has pretty much settled. Does he have any goals or dreams? If not, I'm afraid you will get bored with him and he may actually come to resent you.
"Should I....leave him and move forward?"
Just from the way you phrased this: you know what to do.
@feelslikejuly@xanga - I completely agree with the jumping the gun. I moved in with my fiancee after dating for three months and being engaged for only one month. However my fiancee was leaving for Afghanistan and we wanted as much time together as possible and my life at home fell apart. I think you really need to consider what you want out of your life and your relationship. If he can't deal with a LDR than maybe its a sign he isn't willing to work hard enough on your relationship. LDR I know aren't for everyone but if anything I have learned in my own LDR that you definetly have to go about things differently and love differently. It seems like he doesn't want to compromise or work towards a future if hes not willing to compromise.
Do you see yourself marrying this man? If not then don't waste your time any longer. Move on and do great things with your life! :]
If he truly loves you, he will have a LDR with you. Hands down. I can't begin to list how many guys would have a LDR with me, if they really care they will do anything!!!! So go home and find a job or go to college. You *must* do it for yourself and your future. That is no life to live, waiting for a miracle in 2010. This isn't 1997. You have one life to live, and if he can't support you, make the right decision for yourself....
Do what's best for YOUR future. If going home, going to college, and getting a job is what's gonna make you more successful, then do it. If he really loves you, he'll wait for you or he'll have a LDR. Good luck, girl!
Thanks for the support and advice guys, I really appreciate it.
Yes, I see myself marrying this man. He sees spending the rest of his life with me as well. I did end up going home, I'm currently at home now, and I will be until october.He has a tripped planned out here to visit me, I already have a job set up for myself here.I plan to make as much money as possible between now and October (I have online classes at my college back where he is set up for this fall)and then I'll be going back once I feel I have a good amount to support myself on.A major reason I felt so frustrated about a job was because he was basically supporting both of us, and I didn't like that. I wanted to be self-sufficient.But so far, LDR is hard. But he's willing to wait for me, and is.
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