I have recently started going out and working in a new country. I am 18. Everyone I have met so far has been older, more experienced and confident. I am quite gullible, naïve and considered very ‘innocent’ which I am told repeatedly.
Recently I have found myself in two very similar positions where an older, experienced and attractive guy in a serious relationship has been seriously flirting with me and went on to make definite moves too get in my pant’s. One of them is about to get married.
Is this my fault? I don’t understand, if they ‘really love’ the people they are with why are they trying to get in my knickers? Is it that I portray innocence?
I find it hard to catch on when someone is joking or actually flirting with me so I do not know when to take a step back to avoid these situations. I think they are just being nice and friendly. I enjoy their company a lot, feel very relaxed and happy with them but the ONLY reason I feel comfortable with them is because they are in a relationship and I assume that they DON’T think of me in a sexual way. I felt like they where just good mates and like I was one of the lads. Is that just not possible?
I am not ready for a relationship and I get shocked and overwhelmed when they make sexual advances. Clearly I'm doing something wrong I just don’t understand what. Should I treat all men as if they are single? Stay away? I don’t get on well with girls so I don’t know how to portray that I am just wanting to be friends. I don’t want to make enemies and get involved in drama when I just moved here!
How do I prevent these situations? I have promised these men I will tell no one of their discretions but I feel terrible and I'm confused. Is it because I act innocent and easily taken advantage off? Or could these men really like me and be ‘entranced by me’ like they say they are? I thought I only thought of them as friends but there advances are confusing me and making me insecure.
Xanga‘s opinion? What should I do?
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Comments (40)
i have found that my innocence attracts people too. i suspect it has connections to the maternal/paternal instincts in every one of us. namely, the person who finds us attractive is confused by the inherent need to protect the innocent, and deciphers these signals as attraction...either that, or they're the devil and thye thrive on killing innocence.
Innocence can attract a lot of bad guys. Those older men are just using their age to get sex. They know that being a little older will work to their advantage because they will seem cool and sophisticated. Don't fall for that, you're not in high school anymore. Besides, if they're being unfaithful to their partners, why would you want to be part of that?
@kaos_calle@xanga - Haha you're funny. Those lecherous men want to nurture you because they're feeling parental urges? Sure...
@Kittyluve@xanga - i believe that humans are essentially good. nothing wrng with that.
Omgosh, story of my life.
@kaos_calle@xanga - Ya just don't be surprised when they use you out of their "paternal" instincts. lol
@Kittyluve@xanga - i am innocent, not stupid. and you are jaded - not smart
i think they just see an easy target, you've got to appear more street smart otherwise these guys will continue to try to take advantage of your innocence and naivety.
i've totally been there. you just have to give off very distinct vibes, platonic vibes. don't be too trusting, and don't assume someone you just met doesn't want to get in your pants. its rough, but you'll get the hang of it. at least you've noticed a pattern already. that's the first step to avoiding those sticky situations.
@kaos_calle@xanga - Sorry, I don't think paternal instincts include wanting to have sex with someone. That's just disgusting and not paternal. You sound really naive from what you have said so far. Maybe you're not stupid, but you are naive. You'll probably object to that, but you cant deny what you said. I never said i was jaded or smart. I'm just really intune with reality. Being suspicious of older men hitting on you is not being jaded. It's just common sense.
@Kittyluve@xanga - naive as i may be, i can see when a guy is only in it for one thing. i don't let a lot of people close, and i make guys work for my attention - so much so that the ones who are only in it fr the sex weed away when they realize i'm no easy mark.
I think most of those guys you're ending up with are just assholes. Come on, THEY WANT TO CHEAT ON THEIR SOs. They're just feeding you lines trying to make you feel special. They probably think you're just young and stupid and will go with it.
Innocence can be good, but it also makes you an easy target. Those guys are scuz balls, get away from them. They should know better and you deserve better.
As a manwhore in limbo, let me lay something out. The more innocent a girl appears to be, the bigger the target is on her back. Now, I'm not saying that this will make every man try to cheat on his SO, but you know how a lot of people like challenges? Well the innocent girl is a challenge. Maybe nicer girls are just my type, but whores just never were my thing. They were never who I had my eye on at parties.
Honestly, I tended to avoid super-slutty women. I just didn't find them that attractive. Plus, it's only as hard as getting them to take a few shots... which is like telling a fish to swim. Basically, the whore is a mangy street dog while the innocent girl is a new fluffy puppy. They're just too damned cute.
So, on to some useful information. How to stop this from happening? First of all, improve your situational awareness. If you can't tell when a man is flirting with you, open up your eyes and *gasp* make some assumptions. If a guy you don't know comes up to you (with a drink especially) smiling and acting as if everything you say is funny or interesting, he's probably just sizing up how much time it's going to take him to bang you. Something you should do right off the bat, if you even suspect he's eying you in an undesired way, just come out and say you're just here to make friends.
Or just lie. Tell them you have the best boyfriend ever back home and you love him to death so, so much. In fact, use any chance you can to relate something back to your fictitious stud. That one works most of the time. Another good one is to tell your friends not to let any dudes hit on you. I know you're mostly hanging out with men, but men can be just as good of a cockblock as women. Just have one of them put their arm around you, even in just a friendly way, if a dude is hitting on you. It's a red flag to the guy trying to fuck you.
@mcmeister89@mancouch - wow; now that's a real answer lol
i agree with him, for the MOST part.
I think men have a thing for innocent looking females; it's like how men like the IDEA of a girl being a virgin and being her first, etc. I think it also relates to the traditional idea of a man "being in charge" when a girl is innocent/virginal, he is put into the position of a "leader" or the one who wears the pants.
As far as cheating on their SOs, i'm not sure about all that...
that is all!
I'm sorry, i can't give much of a response to this post as i completely lost it when you said "knickers"...
It's just so adorable... XD
@mcmeister89@mancouch - This is basically exactly what I was thinking, so thank you for explaining it so well.
i don't necessarily think you're doing anything wrong, but you might try shutting them down at the first sign that their flirtations come with definite expectations. be clear that you don't want to jeopardize your friendship or working relationship, but that you're concentrating on your professional life and don't intend to get otherwise distracted.
People probably think those with an innocent look will buy whatever they say so that's why they are targeting those innocent ones.
Just keep telling them that you are not interested and don't be too friendly.
@MissLady2012@lovelyish - I never understood the whole "virgin" thing with guys. Frankly, I'm not sure it's that true, but more of just a lingering stereotype. I hope I never have sex with a virgin again. No offense to them, but when you're experienced and the other person isn't, it's never that good. Even if a person likes to be in control in bed, the person at least likes the other person to know what they like. Playing 20 questions while trying to get it on is a terrible night.
@mcmeister89@mancouch - great answer. my boyfriend told me to assume that if a random guy is coming up to talk to you for no reason, it's flirting. i think that's a bit paranoid, but i guess better safe than sorry? unless, of course, you're looking for a date. as for the virgin thing, my guy's take on it is that a guy will be turned on by somebody who appears virginal or whatever, but who isn't actually a virgin. that whole madonna/whore thing. which i could see. i tend to be attracted to guys who seem to be more on the innocent, shy side, because i find it adorable, but i can't see sex with somebody who actually has no idea wtf they're doing or wtf they want to be done being very much fun, nor could i see a relationship with a guy who was actually all insecure or shy or nervous around me being too enjoyable.
i totally feel ya on the friendship thing. it's tough for me, too, because i do tend to get on much better with guys than with girls, and at my age, most single guys are looking for dates, and taken ones, well they could also be looking for dates, or you may have to deal with a girlfriend who thinks you are. i tend to steal my boyfriend's friends, haha. one of the benefits of our relationship
. but, to answer your question, it sounds to me like you just need to be more selective about the people you let into your life. use your instincts. if you're getting a certain vibe from a guy, clarify your intentions with him, and if he's still putting out that vibe, i would stay away. especially if he's taken. i mean, do you really want to be friends with a guy who would cheat on his SO that easily? that, to me, is a red flag about what kind of person the guy is in general. either his relationship isn't going well and he's too pussy to break up, or he's just disloyal, neither of which are respectable qualities in anybody, friend or SO.
what country are you in? Maybe they are just socially different from us in the United States...
Innocent, naive, vulnerable. At the fresh, ripe age of 18 ..inexperienced/mysterious.. with good morals..
They make great qualities; guys dig it- jerks and good men alike.
Oh innocence is the greatest trait I find in a girl. From an evolutionary point of view, innocence is portrayed as someone who is fertile so perhaps that is why those guys come onto you like that.
do you ever notice how the biggest toughest looking guys usually have innocent looking girlfriends? its something universal i think.
You know what I hate?
When girls try and act all innocent and cute when they're really just huge whores trying to fool everyone... ugggggh.
In regards to your post, maybe you should be a little bit more aware of how you act around these "friends" of yours. Men can be hard friends to have.