Monday, 21 June 2010
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When a Crush Becomes an Affair
I'd never cheated before. I'd only slept with three girls, and I was in monogamous relationships with them all.But now, aged 25 years, I seem to have acquired myself a mistress.
I'm not sure how it happened. Wait, NO - I'm perfectly aware of how it happened. I just don't know why I didn't stop it.
It's the age-old story: Boy meets girl (at work! Always at work...) Boy already has girlfriend. Boy tries his best to ignore fun, charismatic, clever work girl. But after ten months of friendship and flirting, girl confesses she likes boy and kisses boy. Boy doesn't stop her.
I'd liked her for ages. She was smart, and hilarious, and we clicked from the very first day... when she referenced my favorite book over lunch, hummed my favorite song in the elevator, and perpetually made me laugh until I cried.
But I had a girlfriend. So I fought it with everything I had. I just obviously didn't fight hard enough.
The first kiss made me feel guilty. I had to pull away all "I can't do this! It's so wrong!" But it's happened a hundred times since... and the reservations have disappeared. Now the only time I feel guilty is when I'm back with my girlfriend.
Three months this has been going on. And I'm still not stopping the kisses. I dare say I'm actively encouraging them. I can't end things, I adore her! But I can't leave my girlfriend of four years yet, either. (If I do I'll have nowhere to live).
I know I'm being an incredibly bad person right now. And it's all going to end in tears and tantrums. What love-triangle doesn't?!
I just don't want to be THAT guy. The one who cheats. The one who everyone despises! I just want to be happy... but that involves hurting someone deeply.
What am I supposed to do? Do I make myself homeless for a fling? Or do I give her up forever, and stick with my comfortable girlfriend in my comfortable house?
What would you do?
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- From: TheL0ki@xanga
- About Me: He's just a bit: Dramatic . Adventurous. Stubborn. Messy. Cultured. Spoiled. Lazy. Histrionic. Charming. Deluded. Reckless. Friendly. Selfish. Feisty. Obsessive. Romantic. Ambitious. Optimistic. Cynical. Hopeless. Lucky.
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Comments (128)
Man up and tell the truth. Pretty simple.
i noticed you never mentioned if you still love your girlfriend. seems like you're staying because of housing >< i say leave the girlfriend or seriusly stopthe other girl
Wow. Please stop. Like right now.
hah, been there, basically... perhaps at this point it would be best to tell your girlfriend that you need some space... try going on a break. move into your own place. i think if you have some distance between the two of you, you'll be able to clear your head a bit and discover what you truly want.
do you see a future with this work girl? if not, then just have fun for a while, and then end it. if you do potentially want a future with her, then you have bigger conflicts.
(i recently decided to move out of me and my boyfriend of 3 years apartment. i have been giving into temptations too much and thought it would be a good idea to have some space. we're still together, but i feel a bit freer to live my own life, and i know that if i want to leave him, there's nothing stopping me. we're together because we want to be, not out of convenience anymore. i'm still having trouble being faithful, but i'm feeling a bit better i guess..)
man the fuck up and come clean with it. and while you're at it, get your own place, too.
"Someday when you find the perfect girl for you, I wish you'll have the courage to tell her, 'Sorry, I'm already taken.'"
Get a real job that pays and break it up with your gf. It sounds like you're using her for rent. If you're that sure you've found the perfect girl, then break it off with your current gf.
Coward.
Your housing situation is not a valid reason to continue lying to your girlfriend. You need to grow up and face the negative consequences of your actions - if that means being homeless and sleeping on sofas for four months - so be it. You asked for it.
By the way, you shouldn't move out for the benefit of your "fling." You should move out because you betrayed your long-term girlfriend, and the fact that you continue to disrespect her by using her for housing is just sickening. Man up.
They're called love triangles because they always have a point, and that point must stab somebody in the heart. You really have to tell your girlfriend- not necessarily because it's your 'duty' or whatever, but to see if she can help. I know it sounds silly, but you've been with her for a while. There must have been a reason why you've stuck by her. Come on dude, you have to try and rediscover that!
On the other hand, this girl at work seems to be ticking all the right boxes for you. However, can you see a future with her? Do you know enough about how she actually is to be able to make a judgement? I know a lot of women who act differently when in a work environment- maybe she's purposefully toying with you? Or maybe she is the perfect girl for you and has arrived a little too late?
Another option you could do is talk to the work girl- how does she feel? Does she know you have a girlfriend? If so, why is she still behaving this way? Does she like the power and hold she has over you? (If so, would this like for you fade if you were to split with your girlfriend)
Like it or lump it, you're in an awful pickle of a rhubarb here, and it seems that someone is going to get hurt. The only thing you can be is what YOU want to be- if you can feel good about the result, then all is not lost. It sounds selfish, I know, but sometimes you have to do what won't keep you up night after night in order to get by, you know? Finally, I think that one thing that shows through this post is that you are not 'the typical cheating bastard' that is often displayed- it's a refreshing look into a seemingly genuinely decent guy's dilemma. I feel bad for you man, I do! Here's hoping you do the thing that's best! Keep me updated!
@AuCinema@xanga - agree. i fcking hate guys like that. they always want the best of both worlds. selfish bastards.
Break it off with work-whore and break up with your girlfriend. Also: find a place to live and stop using your girlfriend.
On a side note: How can you respect, let alone LIKE, a girl who is willing to be a mistress? Fucking lame.
you have to dump someone
LOL when I read the housing part all I could do is laugh. Seriously, you're 25, you're working, and you're basically using your girlfriend for housing. Maybe you should leave her, for her sake. :/ I fully agree with all the "man up" comments posted above.
Asides from that, how much do you really know about this "new" girl? Yeah, she's funny and awesome at work, but have you even been out together? If not, you may be leaving your current gf for someone you don't even know, asides from the fact you have some physical attraction for each other. And you have been with your current gf for 4 years, geez...give her some respect and make up your mind already.
"I just don't want to be THAT guy. The one who cheats. The one who everyone despises! I just want to be happy... but that involves hurting someone deeply."
Well, you HAVE become "The one who cheats." Now you have to deal with it.
I think your girlfriend has a right to know about this affair. By being in a monogamous relationship with her you are making a promise, and you aren't keeping it by making out with this other girl. Telling her will hurt your relationship, I'm sure, but if you're truly going to get past this, it's going to help to come clean.
You need to decide who you want to be with. End the affair, or end the relationship. Don't factor in the housing. That's replaceable.
It sounds like you want to date this work girl more than your girlfriend. You "adore" her, but you state that you can't end the relationship because of the housing.
Figure it out. You got yourself here, you can get yourself out of it. All it takes is a good pair of balls.
I had been in a relationship for three years and I ended up making out with a boy one night and I told my boyfriend about it and he forgave me. However, if you really like this other girl, honestly, you need to be honest with both of them. It's not fair to anyone involved to keep doing it. The answer is obvious so man up and do it.
@Jack_Morrison@xanga - I second this. Listen to this guy and not the bitchy comments from the girls. (This being said by a girl) :]
...she's not a mistress, because you are two un-married adults who are not financially anyone other than your own selves.
Right now, you're just an young man who's making some incredibly cruel decisions regarding your girlfriend. You'll probably look back on this in about 20 years and cringe.
And to answer your question:
Put yourself in your girlfriends shoes for a second. Would you appreciate it if she was canoodling about with a fellow quietly, but just sticking with you for a paycheck/housing?
Either way, you need to be honest--and soon. Best of luck.
you asshole. the fuck are you doing? staying with your long term gf cuz you have no place to stay. that's low and pathetic.
you're not going homeless for a fling if you like this girl from work. dump the girlfriend, get busy with this girl! easy-peasy. being homeless is "in" now anyways. i'm sure you'll meet some hot hobo women to cheat on with the girl from work pretty soon you make these changes.
well, while the rest of the people are trashing you, i'll just say that you have to do what feels right. obviously if you feel guilty, you're doing something wrong. make your choice; it's not up to us to steer you in any direction.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
tell your girlfriend and MOVE OUT. Jerk.
wait a minute, you only stay with your girlfriend so you have a place to live?! that's your answer right there: tell her the truth, and let her find a guy who truly loves her. it seems obvious that you don't.
I admire you for your honesty.. you even have a picture for the public to see. Hopefully your gf doesn't find out your secret through this site. I think you need to find residence elsewhere. If you like this co-worker so much, you might even talk with her about living together once you leave your gf. See what she says. She might be one of those types that tries everything to bait and reel you in, but when she has you... she'll throw you back out. Given the benefit of the doubt she doesn't resort to that type of manic behavior.. what makes you think when you guys are together, she doesn't cheat on you? She obviously has no problem with you cheating on your gf. If I were to put myself in your co-worker's shoes.. I might flirt and mingle with you but I'd never be with you long term... you see, you've already portrayed yourself as a cheater, even if I was the one encouraging the behavior. I don't know of any intelligent being who would settle for someone like that.
You seem to have no idea what a bitch Karma can be... when it happens, don't act like you didn't expect it.
move in with that girl from work and let go of your girlfriend.
I honestly like the story but you really answered your own question. Homeless.. or Comfortable House ? Which really sounds better to you ? Leave a girl with you had so many more meriories with, over a couple of kisses. I say try new things with girlfriend & see whos better.
Innocent crushes sometimes become more, even for people in loving, committed relationships. Even when you try to stop it. Even when you don't want it to happen.
I don't think you're a bad person for falling for this other girl. That's how it's supposed to happen.. by accident.
But you need to respect your girlfriend enough to stop wasting her time. It's not that hard to find a place to live. I have faith in you.