Monday, 21 June 2010

• Relationship Ricochet: Dating a Chronic Disappearer

    An unfortunate reality in dating relationships is controlling for the disappearance factor. After spending evenings together, enjoying one another's company, and sending out all the "I'm in into you" signals, the person you're seeing might vanish into thin air. It's as if you were never dating anyone at all. The phone calls will stop. Text messages won't be returned and you'll begin to think that something bad actually happened to your sweetie. Like me, it may not dawn on you that you're involved with a completely self involved person without a conscience. So is the story of filing a missing persons report on your sweetie.

  The initial reaction that anyone feels when their sweetie has disappeared is one of insecurity. "What's wrong with me that s/he just disappeared"? Truth be told, we are partially responsible when someone who we're seeing "abandons" us. "How could I be responsible for someone else being cold and heartless?" you may be asking. It took me a long period of self reflection to understand this self destructive tendency of mine. I attracted and was attracted to the "Chronic Disappearer".

  When you're dating a Chronic Disappearer, there is a never ending cycle of validation seeking, rejection and self loathing. If by chance you happen to date a Chronic Disappearer once, this cycle may not apply to you. But if you're chronically involved with Chronic Disappearers, the cycle above is the story of your life. The cycle begins when someone with a low self esteem seeks validation from another human being. The validation seeker meets the Chronic Disappearer whose very disappearance plays on an underlying fear of abandonment. The awakened fear combined with low self esteem fuels an intense self loathing. This self loathing is toxic and unbearable to the validation seeker. S/he will continue to seek validation from the last source where any validation was provided wether it's a safe source or not. The cycle continues until the validation seeker is replete of self worth and the Chronic Disappearer moves on unscathed.

  "How do people get involved with these relationships if they're so unhealthy?" you may be asking. A Chronic Disappearer is at first very charming. Like a physically abusive mate, these emotionally abusive suitors seduce their prey with charm and feigned affection. If a woman doesn't have clear expectations and distinctly high standards, she will succumb to the beguiling of a Chronic Disappearer. When s/he's around, you will believe that the world revolves around you. Your Chronic Disappearer will make you feel as if you're really the apple of their eye. In these relationships, there is often an overwhelming chemistry between the two of you which makes your Chronic Disappearer "irresistible".

  The charisma and doting of the Chronic Disappearer will make you immediately forget that s/he hasn't called you in a week or more. You won't stress out over the fact that you haven't eaten properly. The angst that there was something physically wrong with you that drove your Chronic Disappearer away will vanish as quickly as they are about to. You will disregard the carefully rehearsed tirade (that is room mate or bestie approved) which you planned to deliver as soon as s/he calls. After all, your Chronic Disappearer is temporarily satisfying your gaping emotional need. As long as that need is satisfied, you will not jeopardize the advances of your Chronic Disappearer.

  The Chronic-Disappearer is seemingly a thoughtful, caring, and intimate person. But don't' judge that book by its cover. Chronic Disappearers are sadistic, selfish, and the most destructive people that you will ever meet. Beware of a Chronic Disappearer. Chronic Disappearers have overt commitment issues. They are probably seeing multiple people and you are not the apple of their eye. That explains why they don't' return your phone calls, seemingly forgot your address and act as if you mean nothing to them. The problem has less to do with you than you care to believe. Their behavior is indicative of emotional disconnectedness within themselves. The harsh truth is that the Chronic Disappearer only cares about how much you will continue to do for them and that's why they keep you around at all.

  Often, Chronic Disappearers are either entering, exiting, or on hiatus from another serious long term relationship. Don't envy their partner or anyone in their immediate emotional orbit. Chronic Disappearers are self absorbed, superficial and emotionally unavailable. If anything, you should feel sorry for the person who believes that they have a future with such a person. Don't envision a future with a Chronic Disappearer. Understand that their disappearing act is a learned behavior. Don't internalize their emotional assaults. They completely disregard people around them. They are relationally aloof. Involvement with them is lethal because they are unaware of the implications of their actions.  At the core of a Chronic Disappearer is a poorly disciplined, immature and tersely instructed child. These people have been taught that their behavior is inconsequential and you are not there to take them to school.

  Do you wonder why you keep falling for the Chronic Disappearer? There are several reasons. The most significant factor of these affairs are one's own self esteem. Remember, as you are attracted to them, they are attracted to you. Chronic Disappearers can sniff out poor self esteem better than a hound dog. If they pick up the slightest whiff of emotional instability, they will play on your worst fears. Chronic Disappears excel in destroying the little self esteem you may have possessed before them. Before you start dating again, fall in love with you. When you hold yourself in high regard, other people will know not to play games with you.

  Once you've controlled for your self esteem, develop a weeding process before becoming intimate with a person. Open your eyes to the reality of your situation. Don't overlook the obvious. Does s/he call you consistently? Does s/he validate (genuinely) your feelings? Are there hints of manipulation to your soiree? Do the two of you spend time together in public and go on dates? Or, is your shared time spent in either of your apartments? If it's the latter, your relationship revolves around sex FYI. Money is no excuse for this. There are plenty of free no sexual ways to spend your time.

  There is someone out there who will not manipulate your feelings. There is someone who cares enough about you to respect your boundaries and supersede your expectations. There is someone who will be so carried away with you, that s/he won't risk being away for too long. S/he will fear missing out amazing opportunities to bond and love you completely...insecurities and all.

  Have you ever dated a Chronic Disappearer? Would you say that the relationship existed due to your failure to establish clear expectations?

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