Friday, 18 June 2010
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Relationship Separation Anxiety Attack
I'm being completely irrational, I know. But the more I consider it, the more I'm convinced I have mild to moderate relationship separation anxiety. Okay, so I'm sort of making up my own terminology there, but let me explain.
My SO and I have been dating for only a few months, and so far everything has gone rather beautifully. There has really only been one instance of a serious strain, and it actually had to do with him going on an impromptu weekend getaway ... but I digress.
Here's one thing I know about myself: I'm an anxious person. Not to the point of crippling debilitation, but it does make me a bit of a worrier.
Here's another thing I know about myself: Being away from my SO makes me anxious.
In my defense, I would NOT classify myself as a clingy person. Not outwardly, anyway. I'm not the type to text my SO all day, call him during my lunch break, or even have a nightly hour long phone chat. Nope. Usually we see each other two or three times during the week, and on off nights, it's a fifteen or twenty minute phone call.
But when I know I'm not going to see him for more than one or two days, I stress out.
Not sure what I mean? Let me give you an example. My SO is going to be away this weekend. I had figured he would take off Thursday night or Friday morning, and be back late on Sunday. Ok, that's fine. I'm not thrilled at the prospect of a weekend without him, but I can deal with that. I figured I'd see him Monday and Wednesday night before he left. Well just a few hours ago, I got a text from him saying that he picked up an extra shift, and wouldn't be able to see me on Monday. This means that I'll probably only see him on Tuesday, and then not again until next Monday or Tuesday.
My initial reaction? I actually felt ill for a few minutes.
It's irrational and unhealthy, and COMPLETELY stupid, I know. But I can't help it. I wish I could. I don't know what it is that makes me so clingy without actually being clingy, but I hate it. I realize that for any relationship to survive, each party has to have his or her own life and be his or her own person. I KNOW this, but for some reason it's harder for me to live by.
And to make matters worse, any upset that I feel tends to manifest itself in passive aggressive tendencies, and makes me almost WANT to blow him off so that he knows how I feel. But that's even STUPIDER, I know. After all, he's not intentionally trying to hurt me -- just living his life. So why do I feel like such a neurotic person? I have gotten way better at waiting to react to a situation, I will say that. But even so, I'd much rather avoid these insecure, highly unnecessary feelings all together.
And the thing is, my SO is so good about being apart. He'll text me an update with what he's doing, and he's almost always sure to call me. So really, I have no reason to freak out. And yet, I sit here now, writing this post ...Datingish readers, help a girl out! Have any of you dealt with separation anxiety from your SO? How do you cope?
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- From: stateofhart
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Comments (38)
Trust issue. If he goes and doesn't do anything to piss you off, maybe he'll gain some trust from you. If he goes and doesn't do anything to piss you off and you still feel this way about him going away, there's a problem within yourself that you need to work on. Trust me, been there done that.
I get that way too, at least with the initial reaction part. I start thinking the amount of time I have before he goes away, how to truly enjoy that, and since I have a hard time relaxing in general, I can't truly enjoy the time I do have. Once he actually leaves, I can find something to occupy my time until he gets back no problem. Though us living together and having a dog and a cat helps a lot. :)
When he says he's going away, fake it by saying "OK" in a positive tone. That helps me block those initial reactions in my brain, and think of things to do while he's gone. Something that will keep your mind off of worrying about him. Do more with family, friends, yourself even. All you have to do is just do it.
I'm not sure if you just have trust issues or that you are extremely clingy. It's okay to miss your boyfriend and whatnot, but how you sound like you will die without seeing him for a few days, and I'm only basing it on the things you say. Sure, I see my boyfriend for a bit but mostly he works and though I do text him..I don't act crazy if I don't see him or even think of guilt tripping him if he leaves for work or goes out with friends.
I may miss him, but that's all.
In all honestly, I think you do have some issues to be worked out(what they may be)...or otherwise this relationship of yours won't work out.
I'm currently apart from my husband. He's in the army and currently at a month of training (and he has more all november and then he leaves for a year in February 2011) and it totally sucks. It's the first time we've been seperated for this long since we've been together. I get anxious and I've noticed I eat less because I'm not hungry coz I'm sad and because I don't wanna make a meal just for me. And I've also found that I find it hard to sleep without it. Lately I've been staying awake till 5 or 6 in the morning because I hate sleeping alone now that i've gotten used to him being there all the time, every night.
I'm not looking forward to his year tour in Iraq :[
And it doesn't help that i live in Texas with no family and luckily my best friend, Jen is stationed at the same base as my husband. I'm from Pennsylvania and all my family is up north so I have no one to go to and spend time with except Jen. It's getting to me and there's only 10 days left til he comes home.
I feel your pain and then some, girl.
I get that too. we have days where he hangs with his guy friends and I hang with my girl friends, which is fine. but sometimes my friends will be busy and I'll be home alone doing nothing while he's with his friends. that's the worst.
@Hinase@xanga - I think your reaction to what I'm saying is a little harsh. It's really not at all that I think I'll die if I don't see him .. it's more the surprise factor. I don't do well being taken off guard by a seemingly negative situation. I actually do ok once I take time to process and wrap my head around the situation. For instance, right now, he's been gone three days, and we haven't had any contact just due to poor cell reception, and it sucks, but I'm not beside myself or anything.
My husband has been gone for 5 and a half months and will be gone for another 9 months. You are freaking out about a weekend. Wish I had that luxury. You should prolly consider trying to find something to keep your mind off of it and its good that you are writing down your worries. That should help with some of the feelings but all in all I'm sorry I think you need to calm down. Its a weekend. I'm going on five and a half months with basically a year left to go.
I honestly would suggest to you that you figure out why you have these anxiety issues. It can't just be "JUST BECAUSE". There has to be something underlying that you aren't seeing clearly, and may actually be a huge problem later on.
In the beginning of a relationship, I've never honestly had feelings of separation anxiety as you would call it, I've always been an extremely independant person and until my new lover shows me that he can fit into my schedule and life, and I can fit into his, I don't bother thinking about it that much. I'll text him when I have time, I'll see him when I have time, but since the relationship is new, I don't have much hope... and I just let things go by easy.
You just need to take a breather, and start keeping your schedule pretty busy, or start making plans with friends before you know when your new SO has days off, or will want to spend time with you.
Hey I get that way too. I really love my SO and I don't feel right without him. It makes me nervous and ill when he goes away for a few days. I'm so used to him being in my life all the time without him around I get the "What do I do now" syndrome. I miss him, what can I say? Doesn't make me clingy just makes me want to be around him. I don't see a problem with the way you feel at all. Your not fearing anything you just don't like him away. There is nothing wrong with that. I've been with my SO for five years. We live together... so all insecurity is gone as well as trust issues. I just miss him all the time ^.^ He makes me happy.
So all and all I get ya. I understand!
Coping... um I usually raid his side of the closet and wear his shirt around the house. My favorite is a silky white one he has. It is a button down. Makes me feel safe ^.^ and loved. Positive reinforcement is never a bad thing!
i actually have a similar problem. i am a very anxious and easily stressed out person, and my BF makes me feel much calmer by being around, like how having a cat or dog around makes you feel calmer haha :3 (he'd love that comparison)
i was also getting passive aggressive but then my BF called me out on it, and we had a talk about it...i'm trying not to be passive aggressive, and instead channel my anxiety into something, like yanking all the weeds out of the garden or blowing up monsters on the xbox. it's semi-sucessful LOL
good luck to both of us i guess!
@stateofhart - It may be harsh, but you do sound clingy a lot, and sound a lot like most of my friends regarding guys. I never had this problem, even when me and my ex was 500 miles apart and possibly more.
I just don't like clingy girls..and think guys are their entire world and this entry completely reminded of me of scumbags that my girlfriends have dated and how they'd seemingly die without their guys. I just don't need a guy there all the time..
YES.
@lil_tinker_bell3232002@xanga - While I understand that you are dealing with a longer time span, that doesn't really make the OPs problem any less significant. She's not saying that she can't handle it, she's expressing her feelings. She's asking HOW to deal with it.
OP: To be honest, I have this problem too. I also suffer from anxiety problems, so I know that's partly where it stems from. I usually just keep myself busy while my SO is gone. I write, I stay on Xanga a lot more than often, I read, I spend time with friends, play games; anything to keep my mind off of the fact that I'm alone.
Good luck!
i am the exact same way. i'm pretty much trying not to throw up right now because he hasn't called me tonight and i have no idea what he's doing.
fail.
@ibrittney@xanga - While I appreciate everyone's opinions and that they take the time to read and respond, I really, whole-heartedly appreciate your comment. It's hard to open up and express insecurities, especially when being on a public blog site, you're so prone to scrutiny. Guess it's part of the job. :) But anyway, you get what I'm saying, and I'm very thankful that you took the time to respond accordingly.
@supaflychikn@xanga - I feel you. I always tell my SO that I don't expect to know where he is or what he's doing 24/7, and that's definitely true, but it does make me a little uneasy. Today is day 2 without any communication (no service at his buddy's cottage), and I'm definitely feeling the effects.
I felt the same way when my bf went off to Boston w/his guy friends the weekend of hid bday and didn't call me till Monday. I was worried about that whole lack of communication and wondered about him there since I live in New York and had pre-law classes that day which sucks.
@stateofhart - i go through the EXACT same thing. seriously, i know how you feel. it's not about trust... i never think my SO is cheating on me or anything when i'm not around. it's a combination of things for me. one, i feel left out... like, he's having fun doing something without me, and i wish i could be there to share it with him. two, i have a bad habit of letting my SO take over my social life, so i feel like i have no one else to hang out with when he isn't free. three... well, i have anxiety and depression to begin with. my boyfriend has really proven himself to be one of the few people in my life who understands. so, ironically, it triggers my anxiety when i realize that he won't be there to help me through an anxiety attack if i had one. i'm just throwing those out there, in case any register with you. it took me months to figure out what was causing it.
i also agree that it takes time to process. one weekend, my boyfriend went camping for a bachelor party. i had to fight back the tears all day at work the day he left. i found other things to do that night, but then he called me from the campsite thinking it'd make me feel better. he was drunk (well, they all were) and having way more fun than me. it made things worse. but... by the next night, i was having a lot of fun with some friends. the guys came home early, my boyfriend wanted to see me, but i was having so much fun i turned him down ;)
this is what has worked for me:
1. make sure you maintain your own circle of friends. have at least two or three that you can call up and hang out with at maybe a moment's notice.
2. find something you enjoy doing on your own. for me, it's going to a hookah bar where i know a lot of the people who work there... or going to this 24-hour coffee shop with a notebook, my laptop, or something.
3. talk to him about it (if you haven't already) and try to reach a compromise. for example... weekend nights are the worst for me. regardless of whether my boyfriend and i hang out, we always spend the night together. he also allows me to be blunt about it: if i'm freaking out, i'm allowed to send him ONE text and say so. that way, i'm not being passive aggressive... and i'm also not ruining his night.
4. try to see if he'd be cool with arranging a guaranteed night where it's just you and him spending quality time together. that way, you have your own awesome experiences together and it may not feel like a huge deal if he does things without you.
i really hope i helped :) because i know exactly how you feel.
@Hinase@xanga - Clinginess is all all about actions. There is nothing "clingy" about really missing your SO or feeling upset when you won't see them for a while. Clingy is when you miss your SO so much that you can't stop calling/texting them constantly and you refuse to let them do anything without you. THAT is clingy. I really don't think the author of this post is clingy, and I think many of us, although not you apparently, have felt feelings similar to what the author describes.
Congratulations to you for being immune to such feelings. I envy you. But I find your comment to be slightly offensive. I often feel like the author describes when my boyfriend leaves, but if you ask anyone who knows me (including my boyfriend) I am not clingy whatsoever. It's called self-control. Get off your high horse for a minute and realize that to really hate being a way from your SO does not equate to being pathetic or clingy.
@AuCinema@xanga - I just get over those feelings if I have them. I know a girl who's dating a friend of mine that goes to foreign countries every summer and though she misses her SO; she gets over it because she really wants to be there for her career. You get over those feelings or else they make you crazy like what the poster wrote. And even a couple that's separated half-way around the world. You learn to cope.
i don't let those feelings control me. I rather be on my high horse, makes me better than a lot of people. Every girl is different. The first commenter says she has trust issues..maybe you should see, not every girl depends to see their SO all the time. Why freak out what you can't change? She just sounds clingy in her words...she may not be clingy in action...but she sure sounds like it. And that's what I got.
@Hinase@xanga - I am very confused by your reply. "I just get over those feelings if I have them." So pretty much you're admitting to the fact that you also have feelings like those described in the OP. You claim that the main difference between the two of you is that you manage to get over them and don't let them control you. In an earlier comment to you though, the author said that she also manages to deal with her feelings and that she does OK. I also mentioned that I get over my feelings as well. So I don't really see any difference between any of us. Does that mean that you're clingy too?
@AuCinema@xanga - I said IF i have them. That's not admitting to anything.
@Hinase@xanga - But if you never, ever had them then there would be no IF. :-p
@AuCinema@xanga - Maybe not. Maybe I'm just a bit more stronger than people when it comes to these things..that's prolly why. That's why I don't let it get to me anymore.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - You hit the nail RIGHT on the head. Seriously, though. Glad I have another soul sister out there who understands. :) That part you said about feeling left out and like my SO is going off to have fun without me is definitely applicable, and it really helped to have someone else put those feelings into words.
Thank you. Your words and advice did help, both in coping, and in knowing that A) I'm not a crazy overly clingy psycho girlfriend, and B) knowing that I'm not alone in this. :)