Wednesday, 16 June 2010

• Self-Sabotage, Sex & Snap Judgments - Things That Keep You Single

  

  We do these things to sabotage ourselves. We either don't feel good enough or we're not ready to be emotionally intimate with someone. Whatever it is, if you find yourself or a friend always using silly excuses, picking fights, getting in their own way....it's usually because they're so terrified at the idea of letting someone in that they either consciously or unconsciously screw it up on purpose.

  There are several ways we self-sabotage. We make snap judgments based on limited information. She's 150lbs! She must be HUGE! (Guys? Quite often, you wouldn't know or be able to see the difference between 150 pounds and 130 pounds. Jesus.) She's 39? God she must be DESPERATE to get married! She wants a man with a job. She HAS TO BE A GOLD DIGGER! (No, we want a man with goals who can take care of himself so we don't have to carry his ass.)

  Or maybe you overreact and pick a fight or become passive aggressive, saying one thing trying to illicit a response, knowing you're not going to hear it. "I don't think things are working out" you might tell someone. When, really, you want things to work out. You just think that playing it cool gives you the upper hand. It rarely does. And the thing is...usually we already know where that conversation is going to go. But we do it anyway, because our head says one thing and our heart says something else. Our head is telling us to shut down and not risk. Our heart is saying "Fuck it. Just tell them what you need! Put it out there!"

  Then there's the sex. I had sex the other night. The 24 hours following I hated myself for it. I fell off my path, ignored my own words and opinions. See? I still self-sabotage, too. But years ago, I had sex with guys too soon or played up my ability to have casual sex because, really, I was just so afraid that that's all I had to offer or that it would be a great way to distract the guys from the broken, damaged me. I'd jump in bed with a guy on the first date because, though I didn't acknowledge it at the time, I knew it would lead to me over thinking things and not owning my choice OR would make the guy feel so interchangeable with others that he wouldn't want to see me again. It was the perfect way to ensure I could avoid emotional intimacy while blaming the guy for being a jerk for not calling. It killed two birds with one stone. But the real irony here is that I realized, years later, That I had sex just to get to the emotional intimacy part. I just thought sex was the fastest route to use to get it.

  But the biggest mistake we make, and many of us do this, is that we convince ourselves we're different. That we're above average somehow. That we think and feel differently than others and therefore we are complex creatures that need someone "special" who will "get us."

  Let me clue you in. There are thousands upon thousands of people out there just like us. We're not so much "complex" and "unique" as we are "difficult" and "typical." And nobody is obligated or even capable of  "getting us" until we choose to let them in all the way.

  
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