Wednesday, 16 June 2010

• Infatuation and Obession: One's a Blessin' One's Depressin'

  There's nothing like having a secret crush. Writing initials in arrow-pierced hearts and fantasizing about the first kiss gives a girl a little something extra to look forward to during the day.

  There's nothing wrong with a little crush turned infatuation...or is there? When does an infatuation spin out of control into an obsession? What's the difference between a school girl infatuation and an overcoming obsession? Why do we become obsessed with someone at all?

  Crushing on your cutie is completely socially acceptable behavior. Obsessing over your object is not. When you start obsessing over a person, you strip him or her of his or her humanity. He or she becomes an object for your pleasure.

  In the worst case scenario, objects that we obsess over become deities. Getting the giggles when someone walks by and being at a loss for words when spoken to by your special someone are signs of a crush.

  Feeling rejected if s/he doesn't look you in the eye when you walk by or getting upset and/or depressed when she's seeing someone else is bordering on obsessive. (If you're experiencing the latter symptoms, it's okay. Just walk off the ledge one foot behind the other. You get out of it the same way you got in.)  

  In my opinion, obsessions develop from a gaping hole in one's life. I think obsessions result from the experience of extreme loneliness, fear and want of affection. "Crazy" personalities don't drive you to obsessions per say. But, obsessions will drive you crazy.

  In my experience, obsessions form because of a need for something to "obsess" over. Everyone needs to feel wanted. Obsessions are a distorted way of seeking validation from one's environment. It's a completely self destructive solution to a destructive problem.

  Our imaginations and fantasy world are the birth place and breeding ground for obsessions and infatuations. Autistic fantasy is a defense mechanism in psychoanalysis wherein a person retreats to a fantasy world instead of taking immediate action to address a problem.

  If a young child feels completely unheard and helpless in their environment, s/he may resort to constructing intricate fantasies where she is in complete control of her life and circumstances. If feelings of helplessness persist, the individual may carry over the excessive fantasy world into adulthood. It's a means of escape and protection from real or perceived helplessness and rejection.

  I had a friend who I would say was completely obsessed with a local musician. She went to all of his venues completely decked out from head to toe. One night, I tagged along to the Lower East Side hipster haven to see what this guy was all about. At the end of the night, he stepped off stage and greeted his following as they left. I totally had to force my friend to approach him.

  "You took so much time getting ready that you better go say something to him! He seems nice just go strike up conversation!" I urged. A few sips later, she got up the nerve.

  Like a normal musician would, he shook her hand and thanked her for the support. Another fan followed my friend, who girlishly stood there smiling, and "stole" the musicians attention away from her. I heard about his response the entire way home. "He completely rejected me" she insisted. She skulked on the train and the bus ride back to my apartment.

  "You barely said two words to him. How did he reject you?" I asked, dumbfounded. She proceeded to explain how he didn't "acknowledge" her at all. "He barely noticed me!" she moaned. Have you ever had a post-obsession party with your friend? If not, you will someday.

  I talked my friend off the ledge by reminding her that he didn't reject her at all. "He doesn't know you well enough to reject you" I added. My friend had created an elaborate fantasy in her mind about this musician. She already developed their relationship, dynamic and established expectations of a complete stranger. She set him up to a standard he did not ask to be held to.

  He was completely unaware of her world and his role in it. In essence, my friend created and completed her own rejection. She experienced the entire cycle of a relationship all by herself. She felt the rise of a crush, the climax of a "moment" and fell with a bang to the ground, landing on rejection and depression. Sound familiar?

  If you find you're obsessin' and knee deep in depression, take control of your mind & it's sure to subside. I think obsessions stem from a severe longing within. Those longings are legitimate and completely human. The way that we choose to satisfy them can be illegitimate and harmful. 

  Have you ever been obsessed with someone?  Have you ever felt an initially innocent obsession going way too far?

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