Remember: these posts are aimed at newly dating PSOs.
Of course it's tempting, regardless of whether or not your most recent break-up was recent by all standards, to compare your PSO to your XSO. Nonetheless, do not voice these comparisons in the early stages.
When you are with a PSO, you are with someone new. This is because whatever old stuff may have been going on simply did not work out - the new PSO is a new opportunity, a clean slate. It is a huge mistake to make reference to old stuff, dragging that old junk onto this slate.
There are two main routes of reference we can choose to take: the positive and the negative. "The positive," simplistically, is a positive reference to your XSO while "the negative" is a negative one.
The positive route is one that most of us know well enough not to take. This route does not refer to a pleasant or neutral answer to a direct question about the ex (i.e. "Why did you guys break up?"). It refers to an explicitly positive and otherwise un-evoked statement about the ex.
These statements include ones such as: "My ex was really, really good in bed" or "Oh, me and my ex used to see that movie together all the time! We loved it" or "Oh my ex was so funny! He/she could always make me laugh." You know what I mean. Statements that automatically lead to the natural PSO "uh oh" reaction, and their feeling of being compared to something larger than what they can actually compare to.
The negative route is one we more easily fall into, under the mistaken belief that our PSO will be somehow flattered by it. Again, this route excepts slightly negative responses to direct questions about break-ups (i.e. "Well, we just didn't agree on anything" - but do try to keep these answers as vague and neutral as possible early on).
The negative route includes statements more like: "Oh, I love that you're so polite! My ex had no manners" or "Thank goodness you're good in bed...my ex had, you know, erectile dysfunction" or even statements that may or may not refer to a real XSO in the PSOs eyes, like "I once had a girl/guy try to pull my pants down in the restaurant!".
These "negative route" statements may be masked as a compliment, even to the person making them. But their effect is ultimately to scrutinize - to make the PSO feel as judged as the last person seems to have been. Furthermore, if they do explicitly refer to what is unmistakably an XSO, they can have the effect of (whether it's true or not!) making the person stating them seem...well...not over that XSO he/she is talking about.
So keep the X-talk to a minimum. Later on, if things between you and your PSO work out and you do indeed become SOs to one another, discussions can go deeper. Until then, references that may seem harmless, funny, or complimentary to you may actually be putting a wall between you and your PSO that will eventually serve to block you both off from SO territory. It isn't worth it - so just don't do it.
What do you all think about X-talk in the early stages of a potential relationship? Do any of you have stories where this kind of talk did or did not work out well?
Recommend
Comments (23)
Yeah, it's not healthy to talk about your exs.
I talked about exes wherever they seemed to come up, or if I had a great story to tell and it involved them. In my case, it doesn't matter whether or not I talk about exes, because I don't do it to compare anyone to anyone else or anything of that sort.
I think it's okay under some circumstances but it's usually not a good idea. This boy I'm seeing would say things like "I love going biking at this place. I went once with the family of this girl i was seeing and we saw..." blah blah blah. I think that's okay. But to constantly complain or compare or just talk about isn't. I haven't once brought up my ex since we started dating because he already knows the shit I went through and the hard time I was having because of that. Plus, you don't want your SO to think that you aren't over them because that may make them insecure about the relationship.
I mostly talked about my exes because he asked me first, lol. I think it's kind of different with my "new"-ish potential relationship. We have always gone to the same elementary school, middle school and even high school, not to mention heck we have always lived down the street from each other...but we were quite different people then and ran in different social groups so it wouldn't have worked out. We knew of each other so we tend to talk about the past a lot sometimes. I was bothered by who he lost his virginity to though, it has scarred me for life. I wish I never asked him. He asked me first about my past, so naturally I asked the same question in return, I wish I didn't. He is such a different person from who he used to be I think.
Sound advice, though it should go without saying that, certainly for the first five dates or so, there should be no ex talk. Easier said than done though I suppose.
Check out my dating disasters:
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
I haven't really talked to my boyfriend about my exes because I don't have much to say about them. I'm still friends with all of them or at least on good terms with them which bothers him. He doesn't like any of his exes at all. I do get kind of annoyed when he talks about his exes though even if he is saying something negative and I know he feels the same way when I talk about my exes.
I fully agree with this post...HOWEVER...beware of the person who never EVER wants to discuss their ex to the point that they seem to avoid it...it could mean they aren't over them. I was in a relationship where that was the case.
me and my boy of two years discuss exes openly and honestly. obviously, it hurt slightly when we first got together but we understand that memories were built with another person and to banish them entirely is stupid. if the memories are not told outloud, they are still played in your mind.
it is important to understand your partners past to ensure their insecurities in past relationships are filled with reassurance. it prevents former lover's mistakes from being set as the standard. i would much rather my boyfriend to refer to an ex and explain what went wrong than to experience it myself. it is a clever way to address issues with yourself and to prevent yourself from making the same mistakes twice.
plus, i feel i can trust him entirely as there is no secret barrier at all. it allows us to talk about anything.
naturally, there are negatives to this. it is a sensitive subject but i feel addressing the past is a healthy way to let go and enables yourself to look back in a postive light. it removes regrets and allows you to learn more about yourself and your partner.
What the hell is PSO?! Shit, why can't we just stop using abbreviations for everything and just spell it out normal?
Note: I spelled abbreviations right O.o
The only reason I would talk about my ex is because there were so many stories that I loved telling because either they were funny or they were substantial in my life at the time and since two of my ex's were huge parts of my life, they were obviously there, and it's kind of hard to leave them out of the story. I don't think that it's fair to compare your new love interest to your ex, because like this post says, there's a reason it didn't work out, and this is someone new. It's even more unfair if you call the person out on it. You have to get to know that person for themselve instead of expecting them to be like your ex, because you feel as though you know the gender completely just through being with that one person. Anyway, sometimes I don't think that ex talk is necessary at all, but then again there are situations where you kind of have to talk about them.
100% agree with this post .. actually my ex started mentioning his ex, it hurt me and i just blocked him out of myself .. couldn't deal .. it really shows that they arent over their ex if they mention them .
my PSO told me ALL about his ex when we were still friends..
It can be healthy at times, but other times it's completely inappropriate. It should be determined by both parties whether each of you are comfortable, for starters--if you agree that both of you are comfortable, then go for it, but if one of you is not, I'd say don't. Just go by the other person and how each of you feels about the ex talk and I think you'll do all right.
@Hinase@xanga - Yeah, I was confused too :P
@quicktofall - I'm glad that I'm not the only one xD I thought that kind of lingo was prevalent around here and it was taken with acceptance. I 'm so far behind in internet talk..lol
@Hinase@xanga - I try not to use internet talk as much as I can, so that means I'm far behind on it too, haha. S'all good :)
@quicktofall - I don't use it much either. I usually text and call people lol and even then I just text almost every word out unless it's too long. Lol. That's cool! lol
@materialactress@xanga - Yeah, exactly. Like if the person makes sense in context to bring up, then fine - as long as they're not the story's main subject.
@wonderchica22@xanga - Amen.
@Hinase@xanga - No. We live in a capitalist nation where time is money. I would abbreviate the word "I" if I could.
@Meditator90@xanga - Hahah potential significant other, technically. And I made this abbreviation up, so everyone who's responding is just doing abbreviation detective work too.
@FionaMay - Yes..except I mostly post on my phone -_- ; Though I still don't understand what that means..