Wednesday, 02 June 2010
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The More Observant One in the Relationship
I've been dating my guy for over two years. We get along pretty well and most things are pretty good in our relationship. We have our fights and disagreements, but we also have a lot of good times and care about each other a lot.
One thing that really gets to me, though, is that after two years he forgets all the tiny things that I feel like a person should pay attention to. I have learned a great deal about him. I pay attention to what his hobbies are, what movies he likes, what types of clothes he wears, what he orders at restaurants, what his favorite dinner is, etc. I know what he's into in almost any situation. I listen to what he believes and cares about, and I feel like I really know him.He knows a lot about me as well. He know a great deal of the big things. But all of the little things, and even some of the not so little things just get lost. He needs three guesses to remember my birthday, though he has it written down on his calandar to remind him beforehand. He never knows what I would eat out, so if he goes to bring food home, he always gets my order wrong.
I don't know if I should be as upset as I am by it, but I can't help it. I feel neglected sometimes. Even though he knows the big, important things, he misses all the small stuff that I feel is important as well. Sometimes I just feel sad, because I try so hard to make his life easier, and take care of him, and I feel like he fails to do the same for me.
Have you ever felt like the more observant one? The one who remembered and took care of all of the small stuff? What did you do to deal? Or have you always been on the other end, and just enjoyed someone's care and attention?
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- From: FueltotheFire@xanga
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- About Me: I just like to stir up trouble. Muahaha
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Comments (16)
It's called growing up, I guess. I felt this way too before with my boyfriend, but he is who he is. He just may be someone who forgets birthdays in general (I can remember friends and family members' birthdays, license plate numbers...yeah, I'm lame). I realized at 23, almost 2 years to our relationship, having graduated college and had a rough time thanks to the economy up until now...I matured. Things in a relationship that mattered to me before, don't matter now. Or at least I let go of them a bit. So what? If he didn't want to be with you, he would have broken up with you long ago. Appreciate that fact. He might come around and remember those little things when you aren't even expecting it.
For awhile I felt like the more observant one, but lately I've been noticing all the little things he knows about me. It's quite cute.
ahh, i'm the more observant one as well, but i've come to realize that not everyone can just remember little details as easily as we do.
The first commenter had it right, that you should appreciate what he does do. It sounds like you don't want to be the only one putting in effort, but read again what you wrote - he wrote your birthday down, he brought you food....if he gets the order wrong, ok, but he put in the effort. I have thought like you a few times, but then I realized that my bf makes me presents, and offers to make breakfast or dinner sometimes, etc. I suggest making a list of what he DOES know and about you and DOES do for you, and you will feel better!
You might want to look into the idea of Love Languages, cause it sounds like you and your boyfriend have different ones. It's not that he doesn't love you as much as you love him, it's that you're both showing it in different ways. If you learn his love language, not only can you understand the love he's showing you (although this will likely be more of a head understanding than a heart feeling), you can make an effort to love him in ways that will make him feel loved.
omg yes! i think its just a guy thing tho... :(
My husband of three years doesn't even know how to spell my middle name. So, yeah, I'm the observant one. He's just a guy.
I feel that sometimes the 'More Observant One' isn't as happy as the less observant one. The one who is less observant, would seem to be happy enough that perhaps all the little things don't always matter. But if there is a "More Observant One" one in the relationship, then maybe being observant isn't one of those little details that are okay to let slip by. Perhaps, it's more important that even the little things be observed, the less observant should take note and make more of an effort to be observant, realizing the importance of it to their SO.
~aCe
My boyfriend is the more observant one. I know basics like his birthday/middle name/what he likes on his subs.. but when someone asks me about little things that he does all the time I can't think of anything while he goes on and on about my quirks. So.. just coming from the one that is clueless, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you!
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i have a couple of friends who are reallyy spacey and its pretty frustrating because i'm really observant. they usually forget conversations and important things you'd think they would remember and zone out while talking to people. sometimes it seems like they have adhd. but i honestly think its just their personality or the way they're wired.
in your situation though, if your bf is trying his best then you shouldn't be too hard on him. he might never be as observant as you want him to but focus on his stronger points =]
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It's just a different way of processing information in the two of you. He's not good at remembering shit like that. You are. It doesn't mean he loves you any less.
I mean Jesus bitch tits. Get the fuck over yourself. Are you really that neurotic and self absorbed that you have to create a problem out of something like this?
Not every guy is going to REMEMBER every little thing about you....I agree with a lot of people...doesn't mean he doesn't love you any less.
some people can't be as observant...it happens.
I think it's generally a girl thing to do all that. My boyfriend forgets my birthday and some things that I tell him but I think I only remember his birthday because I tend to try and plan something for him before it each time. I'm not even sure if my brother remember his girlfriend's birthday!
@Revolutionary22@xanga - I highly doubt she's being self absorbed by expressing her feelings when it comes to something as intricate as a serious relationship.
Chill.
For the OP - I believe I'm more observant in that respect, but I know for a fact that we care for one another equally. As a commenter said above, check out 'love languages' - every person in this world shows their feelings in an particular way. Just because it's not exactly what you're looking for - and I know how frustrating that can be, sweetie - that doesn't mean he doesn't care just as much for you. Try to focus on acceptance for the things he does do for you, and remember. I personally have a very bad memory at times, and it may seem like I don't care when I forget something important (if it's a small thing or not) but I DO care, I do!