Sunday, 30 May 2010
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A Low Libido Issue: For Him, Not Me
My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. We were together for several years before getting married but never moved in together until just a few months before our wedding. We love each other very much and though, like any couple, we have our ups and downs, we get along very well. The problem here is: sex.
Up until we'd been married about a month, our sex life was fantastic. It was caring and exciting and adventurous and everything I always thought it would be like with the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I've always had a very high sex drive, so I was pleased that his seemed to match mine perfectly. After we got married, things were still great, until he started working longer hours. He went through this training thing and they had him working ridiculously long hours and it was hard labor at that. Once that started, we stopped having sex very often. I thought that once the training was over and we moved to our new house, things would pick up again and it would just be a little blip.
Boy, was I wrong. Here we are, 10 months later, still having the same problem, but now it's for a completely different reason. My husband was recently diagnosed with a digestive disorder that causes frequent nausea, and therefore, is a complete libido killer. We're starting to get a handle on what types of things make him worse and what makes it tolerable, but we're still not 100% on how to handle it.
The thing is, I can handle not having sex because he's sick. What I can't handle is not having sex when he's fine! Between still working a lot and being sick all the time, our sex life is still in the gutter. We have sex maybe once a week and no matter how hard I try to be sexy or try to give him space, nothing seems to help. I feel as though I've tried everything and quite frankly, I am done with being a sex-starved wife.
I love my husband and I would stay with him through everything and anything, but we've talked this issue to death. I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what he's doing wrong but I would like my fantastic sex life back.
Have any of you gone through this or have any advice? I can't be the only one, right?
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Comments (23)
Once a week isn't terrible. I thought you were gonna say you haven't banged in 6 months or something.
Seems like he's sick and tired and just not gonna be in the mood. I'm not really sure how to advise you here, but I'd just say do what you've been doing. If you're trying he'll eventually want to. Just don't give up.
Here's a list you may want to look at: http://www.articlesbase.com/mens-health-articles/ways-to-increase-libido-in-men-natural-ways-to-increase-libido-1712171.html
I dated a guy with erectile dysfunction caused by psychological issues. At first it wasn't that much of an issue, and it wouldn't happen often. Then it got worse for no reason at all. I started questioning everything: why are we having this problem? is he not attracted to me? does he not love me? This made him anxious about having sex with me because of performance issues, and the pressure I was putting on him. Which made him want to have sex less. Which made me even more insecure about myself and our relationship. Result: we broke up. The one small manageable problem had turned into several issues, and had creeped into other areas of the relationship that didn't have anything to do with sex at all. If I had truly understood and believed him when he told me that his ED didn't have anything to do with me, none of this would have happened.
Moral of the story: DON'T PRESSURE HIM. Be patient. As horrible as it is to feel sexually deprived, it's probably worse for him who's sick. Tell him that you accept his digestive problem, and that you want to help him. When he's not sick, approach him, and if he turns you down say as lovingly as you can "It's ok if you're not in the mood tonight, but is there a reason why? I just want to understand you." It's virtually impossible to understand what he's going through, but try your best. The better you understand him, the more tolerable it will be when he's not in the mood. Good luck!
The penis isn't like an automated jackhammer you know. There's no switch to it.
hey, at least you get once a week. i've heard stories where they don't even get it once a month.
I had a boyfriend who never initiated sex ever, just because people were home. Even when they weren't. It made me feel very unwanted.
That's unfortunate. I know that the feelings that come along with decrease in sexual activity are no fun, and for those that said you should be happy to be getting it once a week when there are horror stories that are much worse, that's just silly. Half of the issue is usually not the actual amount of sex, but the feelings that come with a sudden decrease.
Tell him how you feel. Maybe see a doctor. There could be an underlying issue besides the nausea, etc. Whatever happens, though, be delicate and understanding about it. It must be a rough issue for him to go through.
what do you mean you've talked the issue to death? how hard is it to bang your wife a little more often??? i don't get it.
i don't mean to be insensitive here, but since no one else has brought it up yet: make sure he's not getting any on the side, aka behind your back. you never know with men.
Who cares!!! My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He- is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at an age gap dating site[_www. A G E R O M A N C E com_]---a nice and free place for Younger- Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or- tell your friends
Ginger and other medicines and herbs help prevent nausea if thats the major problem. keep on communicating and seeing one another's perspective but overall just be grateful for what you have and can do and be patient =]
Be easy with him, do diet for the nausea, have a quick bloodtest for the posibility of "Low T" (it can be caused by many pollutants, I have found out), and be gentle in the discussions, performance issues can become self fulfilling prophecies.
I am in the same boat as you, sans marriage license. I have a high libido compared to my boyfriend. Once a week is an absolute minimum for me, twice a week would be even better. Nope, twice a month. I have other "methods" of pleasing myself (toys) but it isn't the same as with them. At least you got a physical condition to prove the low libido. My boyfriend has nothing wrong with him. If I could guess, maybe work-related stress. I think mine is high because he, in my eyes, is my first guy I've really slept with (I had before, but both times were awkward).
It's getting better, as I took on a labor-intensive job recently and it makes me even too tired to go at it. The more I'm busy, the less I complain, and perhaps the more he'll come around. Never know.
Good luck. He loves you, he will do what he can. In the meantime, invest in some toys. Takes some of the pain away at least. =P
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The man is SICK. Jayzus, it's not like he's having an affair or doesn't find her desirable anymore--clearly, since he puts out once a week. He's ill and working long hours--probably to help contribute to the house they just bought. GROW THE FUCK UP. Ups and downs are a part of marriage. If you aren't woman enough to handle it, then cut the man loose--I know a number of women who will gladly step up to the plate.
PS--I'm a woman writing this through my bf's Xanga. And yes, when he was sick we didn't have sex, but I still took care of him. You know WHY...because that's what you do when you when you take a vow to be with someone until DEATH.
coming from it on the other side...
i was very sick with lady bit problems about 2 years ago and was medically prohibited from sex for almost 6 months. it sucked, a lot. not only was i sick, it was pretty damn obvious my boyfriend was sex-starved, and it's really awkward for the sick person because the pressure from the healthy horny partner stresses you out and makes you feel sicker/less like sex/annoyed/etc. and once a week really isn't bad...like i said, 6 months no sexy time AT ALL >_<
my advice is don't talk the issue to death, masturbate a lot, and try not to pressure him...if he feels the pressure is off him, he might suddenly feel more like it (humans are psychological perverse creatures)
he must be cheating on you! if he's not sick!
maybe you should think about talking to him about getting a job that isn't so draining. if his life is all work and being sick i think a new job that isn't as stressing might help with his sickness and sex drive.
hope he gets better!
@Liera@xanga - I was thinking the same thing.
My best word of advice: make sure he isnt giving himself lots of self lovings. Actually, none at all. Then he'll be a heck of a lot more interested, thats for sure.
My boyfriend never touches himself, unless we're together and Im physically unable to have intercourse (rips, etc). Even then its a couples activity. The plus side is that we have sex quite frequently. His sex drive is amped up because we only have sexytime together.
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