Saturday, 29 May 2010
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I Promise I'm Not Stealing Your Boyfriend!
So recently-ish I have made a really, really, great guy friend who is touching the status of best friend. We can talk about anything and everything and I have so much fun talking to him and vice versa, via phone, video, chat, whatever.
However, I am quite aware that our great friendship has come in while he is dating a girl, "Sasha" (random name). I've talked to Sasha before once or twice and she knows very well of me, so I'm in no way being a devious boyfriend stealer (which is NOT what I am intending to do at all).
At the same time, I know (from my friend "John") that she is very jealous of me. Or rather, was (she apparently no longer is). In fact, their relationship was rocky/on the verge of dissolving before he met me. But with our friendship, and I figure me, a girl, being viewed as competition, their relationship has grown a lot. She is a lot more open/less chaste with him and they are overall happier as a couple.At first I thought that was great. But really, is it a bad thing? Did their relationship only grow out of competition/not genuine feelings?
Additionally, John is a flirt by nature - he admitted to it himself. He types and acts pretty flirt-ily all the time. I know he has been acting that way toward me too. At first I took it as whatever, and shrugged it off. But after a month or so, to be honest, I was kind of falling for it. I told him to stop flirting, firmly and politely. His flirting made me feel guilty, crossed some of my personal boundaries i pointed out to him, and, in my opinion, was wrong on his part. He refused to change.
Since then I have barely talked to him in reprimanding avoidance.
Coach me on this? Did I overreact? Is he completely wrong and my judgment was correct? What should I do now?I really want to contact Sasha in order to discuss this to see if she is actually okay with it. My actions rest on respecting her, in large part.
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- From: fuzzi_mushroom@xanga
- About Me: Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test first and the lesson afterwards
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Comments (19)
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-mate-poaching-single-girls-are-more-interested-in-taken-men/
I have the same issue with a husband (we're quite close and have a musical relationship). At first his wife was rightfully jealous. I mean, that's her territory, you know. They are supposed to have the closer friendship. I made a point of becoming friends with his wife for respectful reasons and actually became better friends with her than him. I don't think you are in the wrong. You are respecting the woman which is a very valuable sign of your integrity. Keep it up girl. By being friends with her you can monitor her feelings on the situation and maintain your friendship with the man. You may feel like the third wheel, but that is only natural.
If you truly respected her, you would have let her relationship run its course first. At this point you *are* stealing her boyfriend. He doesn't seem worth it in the long run; he's not a loyal character to begin with.
@bdefghijkmnopquvwxz@xanga - Yeah, pretty much.
If you know it's wrong, don't find excuses. 'But it's made them happier in the end!' No, no, no. You are still the third party. While she may appreciate you talking to her now, if that's what you want to do...they almost broke up because of YOUR interference and YOUR shady flirty relationship with HER boyfriend. Don't you think that it's a little too late? Just don't be surprised if this girl isn't so nice to you, and don't be a bitch about it. I can see your perspective...but when becoming friends with someone who has an SO that could see you as competition, in any way, the respectful thing would have been to acknowledge this off the back and make your ties and assurances with her then. Not halfway fall for him and flirt with him while he's going home to another woman. That's just one step closer to being a homewrecker.
Sorry if that sounded a little harsh.
@raedium@xanga - Sometimes harsh is necessary. In this case it may have been so. I cannot stand people who do stuff like this and try to justify it. If you have to seek out ways to justify it, people, it's probably wrong!
well at first you claim to not stealing her boyfriend.. but then you go on to explain that he has been flirting with you and you were falling for it...? that, to me, sounds like bull shit. but i think it was great of you to tell him to stop flirting with you. because no, i dont think youre the one whos really doing anything wrong here, he is! but i think if you continue this, trying to talk to him... talking to her... then your interfering with their relationship. you need to stop. at this point, wash your hands of it. he is in a relationship, if you want a friendship wiht a male friend, go find your own boyfriend to flirt with, i promise you, you will feel so much better and guilt free! :)
There's nothing wrong with becoming friends with a guy even if they have a girlfriend. And if he is a "flirt by nature" it's kind of pointless to be asking him to stop flirting with you (because it comes naturally to him). It's like asking someone to stop being funny, or stop being nice, or some other character trait. If his girlfriend is jealous, that's her problem, and as long as your intentions are good, there's nothing wrong with being friends. I don't think you need to respect her opinion as much as you think you do, especially if she's only being a good girlfriend now because of competition.
sounds like you are doing the right thing, you already asked him to stop. a lesser person would've encouraged it. especially if you were falling for him, that shows a lot of self restraint on your part.
You knew he was flirty in nature to begin with. Asking him to change his ways ain't gonna work, honey! He is who he is.
Falling for a flirt is the worst. I've been there. Distancing yourself from him is the best thing you can do, You feel he has crossed the line with you, and he's not accommodating you. If this friendship is hurting you or making you uncomfortable, that means the friendship has hit a sour note so... find other guy friends :).
yeah you did the right thing by telling him to stop flirting with you.
your opening sentence is ridiculous by the way. you "recently" made a new "best friend". yeah, right. it's just the attraction you feel when you first meet someone.
You may want to believe his flirting is with purpose. He may flirt, but he's with her for a reason-- he likes her more, and you're just his ego booster, or possibly a backup and if he and his gf break up, you'll be the emotional rebound.
I would distance myself from him. Go find someone single to date and leave your friend and his gf to work out their relationship without you. Be smart and stay on top of the situation. I would be turned off by a guy who tries to keep best friends with a single girl when he is exclusive with someone else. I'm glad you warned him to stop his flirting but since he continues to do so, I would bring it up to his gf, and just walk away. She might be unaware of his flirty nature. I'd appreciate the honesty and heads up even if I may hate her for it. I'd believe her because she walked away.. that shows you had no reason but for her own good to have told her that information.
His refusing to change will not only affect your personal friendship with him but his girlfriend's as well. You should do whatever feels right, and maybe, talking to Sasha is the right thing to do.
I hope you're 13 years old. Because if you're any older and STILL acting like you're in Junior High, all I can say is - COMPLETE FAIL.
It seems like you found enjoyment in the girlfriend getting jealous, that you found enjoyment in the attention you were getting from the dude, and to be honest - I don't know if I really believe you when you say you're intention is not to steal him from her.
And to tell him to stop flirting and ignore him when you knew what you were getting yourself into is pretty immature too. Either accept it or don't. Don't make a huge deal out of it when it was okay at one point.
You obviously know what was happening in the situation. I often find that girls don't get jealous over girls that they know they can trust, so this girl had some sort of intuition towards you. The way you explained the whole situation didn't really make sense either, but all in all, if you were uncomfortable with the flirting and the situation you did the right thing by telling him and moving away from it. You shouldn't have to talk to his girlfriend about his flirting ways, because in all honesty, it's none of your business, and it's just going to create more conflict that you shouldn't want to be a part of. If you want to have a good friendship with this guy then, yeah, sure... make friends with his girlfriend but make sure that you really want to be her friend (not just so that you can continue being friends with him without her being jealous) but honestly I believe there is a reason she feels the way she feels. Maybe you should think about that as well.
No I dont think you did..Becus it was starting to effect you in that sort of way..ish..My dad does the same with other wemon.. mom and dads aint pretty. So I think you did the right thing,and should talk to miss "Sasha".
no offense or anything, but i really dislike girls that gets close to guys with a girlfriend/wife. Its really annoying for the girlfriend/wife, and it makes them worried and jealous. i mean, if you know that the guy is taken, you should just stay away from him and not get close to him. girls like this, ruins the relationship for the couple. Makes the girlfriend jealous, the boyfriend gets sick of the girlfriend and the so-called-friend just bumps in and the guy tells her everything. its annoying.
I'm sorry, do you even know this guy in person? You've said you talk via text, video chat, phone etc. But you haven't mentioned hanging out with him or seeing him in person. And you haven't talked about what he's like in person or how things are when you guys hang out. So I'm just wondering, have you met him in person? Or is this an online thing?
@athazagoraphobia__x@xanga - yeah actually thats a good point to clarify, lol! no i met him at an overnight college program but we live in different states so the only options for communication are via internet, phone, etc.
I admire you soo much for backing off. There seriously needs to be more females like yourself who will feel the personal boundaries that might have been crossed and back off. I know and have experienced too many other people that continue to pursue and pursue until it just gets ugly. As for your friendship with this guy, call it quits. Personally I wouldn't like the idea if my boyfriend had a super close friend that was a girl and who he flirted with. Trust can only go so far but human actions are really unpredictable and mistakes could be made. And in your situation of almost falling for him? Yeeah no, stay away and just continue to keep your distance from him. Getting close to a flirtatious, TAKEN guy is just bad business.