Wednesday, 26 May 2010
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Datingish Advice: I Think I'm Regretting Our Break-Up, Help!
In the Datingish Advice tab, wrote: margarita2010@xanga I think I'm regretting our break-up. I desperately need of advice...
Problem:
Broke up with my boyfriend and now I'm starting to think it was a mistake.
We broke up because I feel:
1) he doesn't value the efforts I make to see him (we live 30 minutes away and we have completely different schedules) when I do see him I feel like he wants to be with me but also wants to be doing something else...like playing poker.
2) he is way into poker... to the point that I think he likes it more than me.
3)He doesn't listen...according to him, he's always been like that (wouldn't he make an effort if he cared enough) We'll be talking on the phone and he'll be distracted doing something else while I try and talk to him.
4) he is emotionally closed off. He has barely opened up in the 10 months that we've been dating. He says he loves me but because of all these other things I doubt it. I know men are not as emotionally expressive as women but he is just not able to connect with me.
5) He acts like he is bored out of his mind when we hang out with my friends. He says it's just the situations we've been in have made him uncomfortable.... like being in different environment than what hes used to BUT to be fair....I've tried to make him as comfortable as I can. He just acts like he is forced to be there and ruins the moment for me.
You're probably thinking:
Why did she stay with him. He sounds horrible so far. Yes, its true but there are a million other good things about him and I have to admit I am a little moody and paranoid and perhaps neurotic in relationships.
Good things about him:
1)he is generous
2) he is really responsible and rational. (maybe too rational in some things)
3)he makes me feel safe
4)hes really smart
5)asides from when we are with my friends in clubs he is very social.
6)he likes me for who I am and he is the first man who has made me feel totally comfortable with my self and my body. (i know this is supposed to come from within but when a man helps you along the way its great.)
Reasons why I feel I have made a mistake?
1)like I said above, I know I'm neurotic and can be paranoid about little things but its because in the past Ive completely been screwed over by men who I trusted so now I just cant help but be paranoid about the most randomest things. like when he says I love you, I question it. or when he doesn't respond right away... I feel like he doesn't care
2)I think I'm expecting too much from a man, I think alot of what I need should come from within like feeling validation, or like I being listened to 100% or expecting him to open up to me ?
3)I am very dramatic and make mountains out of molehills... I don't know if this is the case here...
Reasons why I don't think I made a mistake?
1) he doesn't open up to me and it makes me feel really lonely. I need to have an emotional connection with him that is beyond a basic level.
2) he likes poker too much
3) I think he takes me for granted.
4)we have very little in common and don't really talk much about anything too deeply. But I do learn a lot from him about things I would've never have known anything about.
In sum:
I know I deserve to have what I want/need and I'm sure I will find another guy eventually but I really like this guy, there are two voices in my head one that was screaming you did the right thing... lets get out now before it hurts more later.. its for the best, hes not making you happy now.... the other voice speaking a bit louder now asks if i was too hard on him, If I'm too demanding, if I didn't give it enough time.?
Right now I miss him like crazy and are fighting the urge to talk to him. I really need help from an outsiders point of view. Most of my friends, though well intentioned, I think echo back to me things I want to hear or things that are obvious.
So confused. Please help me before I destroy something that could be good or go back to something that I should stay away from.
Share your advice here!
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Comments (23)
This is the hardest stage of a breakup. When you're not in it anymore, the bad stuff doesn't seem so bad, and the good stuff overshadows everything. Stick to your guns - you made the decision for a reason. And from how you described him, it doesn't sound like your relationship had the groundwork to last anyway.
I'd say stay away from him. Sounds like my ex, minus the poker part. Emotionally disconnected. When he said "I love you" he sounded distracted, as though he was only saying it because I did.
It may take some time for you to get over him, but trust me, it sounds like you went with your gut and made the right decision.
I'm sure you're a sweet and gorgeous girl, you can choose what qualities you want in a guy and then find a better boy who has them. He obviously doesn't have the qualities you need, like emotional closeness. That's really important!
Hope this helps!
i'm sorry you went through the break up, but honestly, the reasons that you broke up with him are much more detailed than the qualities of what you like about him. i think that should be a big signal. and sure you miss him but that's because you keep thinking about the past good times and of course no one wants to forget all the good times, but you have to remember that there were also the bad ones. and the days where it seems like he would put you down. you deserve much better than that and do not lower your standards for a guy because that would just be disrespectful to yourself.
i would not go back to him because there are guys out there that will treat you better than he did. so put on your favorite dress and heels and go party with your girls. enjoy single life for a while and when the time's right you'll find the right guy!
good luck :)
Yea, what those ladies said. This is just one part of the break up process..... stick with the originaldecision. In fact, call all of those girlfriends of yours and schedule a weeknight bar-hopping to help get your mind off him.
you can be just as happy independently as if you were in a relationship.
if a guy likes you, he should want to get to know, he should want to open up to you, if not, he might just be in it to reap the benefits.
@kawasaki_saiyan@xanga - I totally agree!
--I remember going through a break up a while back and my friend danny asked me why I liked him so much. I basically said the same thing you had said but I said, "he's nice." danny ended up saying, "but tina.., I can be nice to you too and all those things you've listed." It made me realize that.. "this mothereffer is replaceable."
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"We have very little in common..."
That's all she wrote, right there. This part's hard, I recently just came out of this phase myself. It'll pass.
This is what caught me: "hes not making you happy now.." I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship either if I wasn't happy. The way I see it, six months is to the point where you two are comfortable with each other and the real you comes out. If it has already been ten months and he still hasn't open up to you, he isn't going to open up to you and that's the way it's going to be from here on out.
This is also very important: "he doesn't open up to me and it makes me feel really lonely. I need to have an emotional connection with him that is beyond a basic level." Being with another should make you feel complete. He should be your best friend or beyond. He should be the person whom you can run to when you have no one else. If you are feeling lonely in this relationship, I don't think it was a relationship at all.
I think you are just feeling lonely right now and regretting it, but who doesn't after a break up? Everyone or most does, but eventually, you'll move pass this and find someone whom you can connect with on an intellect and emotional level.
Thanxs everyone for the advise it really helps to know that others have gone through the same phases.... :( ... now if only there was a way to make this feeling go away faster... :(
an update: he called and asked me to work things out with him.. that he would try harder because he realized that poker is not worth losing me over....and that he would try to work on making things better for us... hearing this makes me want to believe him...and a little ray of hope begins to filter through but I know its easier said than done and that I want more from a man... I know that I will eventually find another guy... but where? when? and if I do.. I just wish I'll be wise enough distinguish right from the start if he is the right one or the one for right now.... this "dating" stuff is so complicated... it makes my head hurt... :(
again.. thank you for the comments...you guys are giving me strength!!
I know how you feel. my ex and i broke up for almost the same things.
you are better off. its like a game. your interest level in him is high, but if he were to be more open, you'd probably see his flaws more
i dunno
i am still thinking about my ex but i'm working to get over her, so maybe my viewpoint is skewed
If there is even one important thing that bothers you about him (by that I mean, for example, you thinking he takes you for granted, or him not opening up to you - those are important), then you shouldn't go back to him because he doesn't care that much about you. If he gives you just one doubt on how much you mean to him, then trust me, you deserve better.
It seems to me that you are experiencing Stockholm Syndrome. It's normal. Just remind yourself that you should find someone who gives you absolutely 0 doubt about how much you mean to him, and you should be 100% sure that he truly cares about you (not even 99%). If you go back to someone who doesn't make you feel that way, you're settling.
2) he is way into poker... to the point that I think he likes it more than me.
I do not agree this, you should think this: all the boy are have one or two hobby in the daily life.
They like them not only more than you but than themself too.
I can relate with experience. The one guy I broke it off with is the one I regretted, there were very similar issues to yours too.
I highly recommend being honest and telling him all of what you feel right now: that you miss him and regret ending it but you want to feel closer to him and have him open up as friends or in a relationship again...
The guy I was with. It was only for 4 months but it was intense... we didnt give up, we were best friends... then had relationships in between and sometimes went back to each other. Now we've been together for 13 months after being apart for 2 years. I couldnt be happier even though the relationship is not perfect, he's a good, smart and caring guy. and at the end of the day thats the best kind of guy to be with. :)
All the best and I hope things turn out well - never give up hope.
You broke up for a reason...and those reasons that you listed seemed to be correct.We all regret breaking up with the one we love but still..it seems like it was for the best.
Remember that
When you said, "but he is just not able to connect with me" that was a huge red flag! I'm sorry to be blunt, but you absolutely cannot be in a relationship with someone that you cannot connect with! It may sound harsh but it's true, the relationship will end up feeling like you are doing more work then anything else just to keep it above water. My dear, I think you made the right decision. A break-up is never easy, you will always have second thoughts, but you need to find someone that you have a strong connection with and someone that actually puts in an effort to spend time with you and see you and love you for who you are!!!
@margarita2010@xanga - It sounds like maybe you need a break from dating for awhile. Figure out what YOU want and what direction you are headed. What do you want to do with your life? Once you know all that, then you can find someone that is in alignment with that, and your relationship will be much smoother than any previous relationship, it will not be perfect, no relationship is, but I can promise you that you will be much happier. A great book that I read that can help you figure out this whole dating thing is, Rage For The Justice Of Love. You should just check it out. I know it can help, it really helped me!
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wow. same situation. except mine isnt poker. its playing MMO's lol now i got myself tinto it more than him lol he got the game for us to connect more since we live 30mins away from eachother. ending up we are both addicted to it that we ignore our real life relaitonship lol
Who plays poker usually has a paker face which means they don't let their feelings show on their faces or voices. You have to get used to it if you love him. Have a good day...
Maybe you should take time and get to learn yourself first before you get into a relationship with someone else. You said you've been screwed over before which is why you find it hard to believe him when he says, "I love you" or you find it hard to trust the guy. I'm sorry but maybe you need to be confident in yourself and learn to believe it when he says that he loves you or still believe that he cares in you, even if he can't respond right away.
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