Yay or nay?
My cousin, who is 30, and my brother who is 27, and I were talking about family functions and whether or not it was a good idea to bring your SO to them. As with many traditional families, my family is extremely keen on pressing the subject of marriage with the younger generation.
My cousin, J, dated a girl for around five years and he brought her to practically all of our family gatherings. I guess in doing so, it also raised expectations for the family AND the girl. The girl, who was also traditional, probably thought about marrying my cousin somewhere in the back of her mind. J said that perhaps he unfairly lead her on by bringing her to such events, but at that time he was young and did not think about the consequences it would bring.
My brother, E, on the other hand, dated a girl for two years but never brought her to any family events. He knew he didn't want to marry her and he didn't want any external pressure from the family to create that possibility in the girl's mind. Thus, when they broke up, the family wasn't involved.
I use to not think it was such a big deal, but as I get older I realize that it certainly is an important matter in my family.
What do you think about bringing your SO to family events? Do you think it's a big deal or not?
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Comments (34)
It can be a big deal, especially if your family is that family that secretly hates each other (both halves of my family) and/or gets ridiculously drunk at every decent excuse (the half that already hates each other and gets drunk to make up for that hate).
I wouldn't bring anyone unless I thought it was going somewhere (but I don't date someone unless I think it's going somewhere). Therein lies the conundrum.
My cousin is 24 right now and for the past year, he had been bringing his girlfriend to our family functions. Now, our family is traditional Koreans and though I've been dating my boyfriend for two years going on three, my parents and I both agree that I shouldn't be bringing my boyfriend around (also, my boyfriend isn't Korean which may bring up some problems since my family has never married into a non Korean family). My cousin and his girlfriend are getting married this year so it makes sense that she's been around our family for a while now. But I do feel a bit weird when she's there because she's not exactly family. But she's taken up a role and our family is happy to have her be a part of our family. My cousin's younger brother who's graduating from college this year had also brought around his girlfriend to some family things (not all, but a few) and his parents decided that they were too young to be thinking about marriage and being in a serious relationship so they eventually broke up. I never thought about it before, but family is a big part of one's future relationship. At least in my culture and my family. My brother who's 25 hasn't brought his girlfriend of three years to any of our family gatherings because they aren't going to get married anytime soon (he's studying to be a doctor so he has a few years left). So yeah, okay long story short, I guess it is a big deal to bring your anything to a family gathering. haha
I've been seeing my boyfriend for 5 months. I will be taking him to to my cousins wedding mid-July to meet my family for the first time (other then my parents). By then we will have been going out for 7 months, and I think that is a good time period to wait until you introduce someone to your whole family.
I never really thought about it that way. I've brought a few of my SOs to family events (mostly holiday gatherings) but I never had any sort of ulterior marriage motive in the back of my mind while doing so. I kind of think about it in the same way I think about bringing my best friends to family functions - it's more fun and it's nice to include them in my family life.
Sure it doesnt sound bad to me.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and while we're close, and have talked about marriage, it's not something we're planning on soon. He has brought me to all the family functions that I've been able to attend for a while. Nobody necessarily thinks we'll be married, and nobody really talks about it. But since we live together, and are pretty serious it makes sense. Honestly, I'm closer to his sisters than he is. I think it's important to get along with someone's family, so it makes sense that he would bring me to the family functions to see how they like me.
I don't see it as a big deal. But it is funny to watch my fiance's brothers/cousins cycle through SOs at gatherings we go to.
my family loved my ex, and i brought her to every family function. i thought it was nice!
My family loves when my boyfriend comes along to attend family gatherings, and they're perfectly understanding if we can't make it sometimes because we live across the state.
My boyfriend's parents, on the other hand, have intentionally told me I wasn't allowed to go to their family Christmas party, even though someone else was hosting it. The rest of his extended family was pissed at his parents for doing that, and they have made sure to tell me I'm welcomed to come every year now.
And his parents always complain about him going to my family functions. They have snidely said, "Well, it's not like you're married. Why do you have to do things with her family?" They raise so much drama when we alternate between families for Christmas and Thanksgiving. They think we should go to their house every single year, my family (and me) be damned. It's infuriating.
More importantly, why was your brother dating girl for two years that he had no intention of marrying? That's a long time.
I think it's a big deal. Especially if it's a big family thing. Like, tomorrow is supposed to be my family reunion and i wanted to go with my boyfriend of almost 2 years now... It was going to be a big deal and I really wanted to go. He went with me to my grandmother's funural early on in the relationship. there's all sorts of things that an SO would be great in going with you to. sometimes for support, other times because you want them to meet your family. Just all depends i suppose.
i think your brother has the right idea. you have to decide whether or not you're going to get married to your SO and if yes, then consider taking them to family events.
it depends...
if this was ur first time to do so.. then yes, it is.
but as u get older... i dont think so..LOL
Whyyy would you date someone for five years and expect them to not have expectations?? That just doesn't make sense to me haha.
I mean, I've been dating my boyfriend for two years, and he's never invited me to a strictly family function. I wish he would though, because we have talked about marriage many times. I guess if you were dating "just for fun" it's not called for, but if you're in a relationship, I think that it's good. You can't truly know someone unless you know their family, and how they interact with them.
I guess it just depends on the people and the situation.
My family is huge and I have many cousins. Majority of the younger generation (Meaning my cousins) have boyfriends and girlfriends whom are serious. The SO's are always at the family functions. Don't get me wrong, the So's are good people. I'm the minority group with no girlfriend, so it feels awkward for me when all the SO's are present and I'm emptied handed. We are however a traditional chinese family where FAMILY is priority. Our parents actually want us to bring the SO's around, wheather they like or dislike them.
I spend more time with my SO's family than my own. I think it just depends on the family. I go to their house for Christmas, and his grandparents' for Easter/Thanksgiving. If I mention a family function and invite him, he just won't go. He feels distant from my family, where I feel welcome with his.
This sort of thing started a few months into our relationship. I think it's important if you're "serious." If you met at a bar and that's your usual hangout spot and you're just picking up guys/girls, then I don't think the family thing really matters, you know?
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never brought my ex to events cause i didn't think he should meet my family yet.. and proves right .. we didn't last that long.. about 6 months only
I usually don't like to bring my boyfriends to family things (of which I have very few) unless I'm really serious about them. So far, this has basically amounted to two boyfriends. Really, it's more like one because the boy I dated in college was never in the same state (or the same college) as my family events.
My current boy is the only one that I really told my family that much about, and that started probably because I've got it in my head that I'm going to marry this one ^^ Honestly though, I don't think I could ever date anyone that I knew I wouldn't marry, so your cousin's relationship confuses me :/
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@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - totally agree.
Don't necessarily think going to, say my SO family reunion is about marriage but getting to know the family. Maybe she did but I didn't take it that way, same with me taking her on my vacation. Inivited her, family invited her to get to know her better. Maybe there was in those cases...but I didn't take it that way... :/ good question though!
I reckon it's a HUGE deal, I don't even introduce my friends to my parents. lol.
My friends and I have actually talked about this earlier, and I've decided that my family shall meet my future husband, when we've decided he's going to be my future husband. Unless my family or my SO really wants to, for a good reason.
My family is a judgemental bunch. I love them, but I don't like their intolerance. I don't want someone I really like getting verbally pwned or backstabbed. If he does go to my family gatherings and gets a taste of what he might be marrying into, I m afraid I'll become one of those "I dunno what was I thinking..." stories. lol.
Jokes aside, the main reason why I wouldn't bring my SO to meet my family is because they broke up 2 of my aunt's relationships for nugatory reasons, and now she've decided to stay single for life. And for the rest of them, they've either married equally cynical people, are miserable at family gatherings, or are divorced, mostly due to family conflicts. It's already too much drama having to watch this, let alone be part of it.
With that being said, I think if one's family and SO is welcoming and keen to meet one another, then why the hell not? But if it's not anything serious, I personally would think it'd best to leave things less complicated than it needs to be.
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, I've been to a lot of his family functions, his family's pretty cool though, they don't press marriage or do anything too embarrassing or anything like that. But I would never take him to any of my family functions - not for the marriage issue or anything like that, but my family is a bunch of drug addicted crazies that constantly fight constantly. I don't even go around them. My mother and my grandmother do press the marriage issue a lot, not saying it isn't a possibility. I'd like to marry him some day, but not just yet. We've been together a long time and at this point I couldn't imagine life without him, but I'm only 23, still young and stupid and not quite ready for marriage yet.
If I introduce a boy to my family, it means I'm somewhat serious about him. It means that I've decided he's going to be around longer than a couple weeks and I want them to know that he means something to me. And because my parents are really not keen on the whole "me dating someone they don't know" front. My current boyfriend met my parents the night of our first date and a couple times after that. I've never really had him over for family functions, unlike other boyfriends, but that doesn't mean anything other than we never really got the chance. He's the boy I've been most serious about too.
The thing is that when I break up with a guy I've brought home, suddenly it is an issue. My parents try and act like nothing happened and get all "never bring up anything related to so-and-so around Jes". So while bonding is a good thing, there are some cons to bringing a significant other to a family function. Mine being that if my boyfriend hates alcohol or is shy, he's not going to get along well with my dad.