Thursday, 20 May 2010

• L Dating Chronicle: Stop Dating Like A Girl And Start Dating Like A Woman

  

  I am a 21 year old girl, and for years I have been dating like one. I have met a guy and in the first three dates have his whole character and the future of our relationship mapped out in my mind. I have jumped into bed with guys who had little more to offer than their own dicks and told myself it was "just for fun," right before I started wondering if he'd call again. I have searched facebook for the the "I knew he wasn't that cute!" pictures, only to stumble across him sucking face with a girl who I affectionately called "not me". I've drunkenly yelled at exes, and proven myself to be a complete dramatic (I thought I got a free crazy-pass for being an artist. Turns out I was wrong). But worst of all, I have wasted my time and energy on guys who have yet to prove they're deserving of it, and even some guys who already proved they weren't. 

  I look around as I enter the summer before my senior year and see my girlfriends in the same situation. Amy was just dumped by her boyfriend of a year... who she had already chucked a few months ago but wanted back when she heard he was with someone else. Mary finished two back-to-back long term relationships, and then vowed to use a guy for little more than a booty call before taking a few months off on the West Coast. Only she ended up demanding a date and he stopped calling. Sasha finally broke away from her death-trap of a boyfriend and started a fling with her best friend from home- who is the former boyfriend of her high school gal pal- and might just be walking a line usually reserved for men: I like you, but I don't want a relationship right now. Jessica has begun facebook stalking her ex of two and a half years (chronicled by yours truly), but only while her current boyfriend of two years isn't looking.

  The common denominator? We are all dating like girls. Or at least we were.  

  This last male-induced self revelation came when I, as always, turned to my mother for help. The woman is 50 years old, proposed to seven times, married once, separated once, and currently wading in the financially, sexually, and romantically comfortable waters off the coast of Rich Former-Husband Shore and Loving Wants-To-Be-My-Husband Island. A place where I would love to catch a wave. So how'd she do it? How'd she always get her man, and then get over him?

  "I was nonchalant, L. I always knew that I'd find someone else who was just as great, if not better. And I never really tried too hard, or cared all that much. The second you're not so interested, they always are."

  Bottom line: she was easy. Not easy as in promiscuous (It's still my mother!), but easy in the sense that she was carefree, go-with-the-flow, and confident. That will beat my anxiety, seriousness, and obsessing every time.

  But here's where it changed. While pining over the latest male mishap, I ran into an ex who I dated three years ago, and who I harped on for a while when he started seeing someone I worked with right after we ended. Sure, I dated other people, and they ended up crashing and burning, but the sting of the stories I'd hear and the pictures I'd see was still tangible. After a minor panic attack, a familiar feeling of surfacing vomit, and a talk with mama-bear at 1 am, I decided that my problem isn't any of the jackasses I've wasted my precious time on... My problem is me. My problem is that I've dated like a girl.

  I am going to start dating like a WOMAN. I'm opening my dating tool box and revamping the whole damn thing. Out goes over-thinking, in goes assessing and accepting. Over-phrased texts and phony conversations will have to be thrown out, but my own voice and natural instincts should fit nicely where they were stowed. And as for the time that went into drama, insecurity, worrying, and jealousy... Well, that leaves a whole lot of time for fun, relaxation, self-certainty, and plain ol' not giving a shit. And that velvet-lined, cushiony-soft, heart shaped space reserved for "boyfriend"? I'm clawing it out and putting a picture of my own fine ass in there because that's the only person I'm answering to from now on.

  Boys are about to be considered toys unless they can manage to prove me wrong. And men? Well, if they're smart I guess they'll ask me out.

  Ladies, I suggest you join me in my emotional upgrade, but if you're skeptical (don't worry, I'm nervous too) you can join me in another way. I will be chronicling my journey as the not-so-new but definitely improved L right here! No detail too revealing, no moment too embarrassing, no lesson too harsh: it will ALL be here.

  So buckle up copilots, because I've never flown this plane before. But in honor of my new dating mentality, let's just enjoy the flight.

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