Wednesday, 19 May 2010

• The Double-Virgin Wedding Night

  
  
  It's a rarity in this day and age, but it still happens.  A man and a woman get to the altar and they haven't had sex yet.  Which means, on their wedding night, neither of them have much experience in what they're doing.
  
  Let's get something straight, right in the beginning.  If you are waiting to have sex until your wedding night because you think your wedding night will be this awesome pleasurable romantic orgasmic moment, don't.  That's a bad reason to "save yourself for marriage."  Because it isn't, it won't.  The Double-Virgin Wedding Night can be awkward, painful, and possibly one or both of you will not actually come to orgasm.  What it does, though, is set the foundations for your future sex lives--which, if done right, will be awesome pleasurable romantic and ecstatic.  "Sex, like everything else, has to be learned."
  
  (There are good reasons for someone to wait until their wedding night before having sex--don't get me wrong.  My wife and I waited.  We waited because of our religious beliefs, and we waited because we wanted to give each other the gift of ourselves.  My wife never has to worry about whether she's not as good a lover as my exes, I don't have to worry about giving her any STDs.  A lot of pressure gets taken off the relationship when each of us have only ever slept with the other.  But the Awesome Sex came later.  The wedding night wasn't it.)
  
  So, without any more intro, here's the NSFWChristian Guide to the Double-Virgin Wedding Night
  
  --Get checked out medically beforehand.
  
  Just to make sure everything's working right, and to anticipate any foreseeable problems.  A visit to your doctor might help clear up questions you have.  Also: some women who still have their hymen opt to have their gynecologist remove it, as the tearing of the hymen can be one of the uncomfortable parts of first-time sex.  (Understand, not everyone is hung up on the outdated idea that hymen = virginity.)
  
  
  --Choose a comfortable setting.
  
  I know people who, after they were married, went back to the groom's parents' house and slept in the groom's old room before leaving on their honeymoon the next morning.  Probably not a good idea.  My recommendation: get a hotel room and don't tell anyone which hotel you're going to.  The anonymity of a hotel room really helps with the next step.
  
  
  --Do whatever you can to take the pressure off.
  
  It's natural to be nervous or anxious, but anxiety is a major mood-killer.  You want both of you to be as relaxed as possible.  Don't just lunge at each other the moment the hotel door closes, unless you're both ready for that.  Maybe you need to talk to each other first, recap the day, laugh, remember how much you love (and want) each other.
  
  Also, here's a thought to consider: your first time having sex together doesn't have to be that night.  You might both be really exhausted from all that's involved in putting together a wedding.  Or maybe something goes really wrong when you first try things out.  It's okay--if worse comes to worst, you can stop and try again tomorrow night.  (Just knowing you have that option can really help, mentally.)
  
  
  --Explore
  
  This may be the first time you see each other naked.  For some, that can be uncomfortable until they get used to it.  Consider keeping the lights low, if either of you have difficulty in that area.
  
  Start with things you've done before, and work your forward way from there.  Don't try to jump straight to the main attraction unless you're both ready for it.
  
  
  --Lubrication.
  
  Years into our marriage, my wife and I can just throw each other down onto the bed (or fitting room floor, as the case may be) and start going at it.  Understand that this is a product of time together.
  
  For your first time, the wife is probably not going to produce enough natural lubrication.  Friction is not your friend.  So keep a little squeeze bottle of lubrication handy on the wedding night.  Water-based is probably enough, like KY.  Even if you think you're generated enough moisture yourself, use a little lubricant anyway.
  
  By the same token, keep some towels nearby.  Good sex is messy sex, and although your first time will probably not be "good," it may be messy.
  
  
  --Go slow
  
  The husband should enter slowly.  The wife's muscles and tissue are going to be stretching to fit him, and this can be uncomfortable.  Don't slide yourself all the way in: enter about an inch, then wait.  Enter another inch, then wait.  Work your way up to entering with your full length.
  
  If the wife's hymen is still intact, the husband will probably encounter resistance when he's only partway in.  A firm thrust should break it.  There may be some blood.  But remember, many hymens do not obstruct intercourse, and many women's hymens break during normal activities long before they have sex.  It may not be an issue.  A lack of blood doesn't mean the wife isn't a virgin.
  
  I recommend either the missionary position (so the husband has better control of what's going on) or the woman-on-top position (so the wife has better control of what's going on). 
  
  
  --Know what to expect.
  
  Chances are, the husband will hit orgasm in, like, half a minute.  (I say chances are, that's not how it happened for me, see below.)  And chances are, the wife won't be able to orgasm at all, at least not through intercourse.  Don't be discouraged if your first time doesn't last very long!  The wife often will start to feel tender or sore after a few minutes anyway.  That, hopefully, starts to go away even by the second day.
  
  Generally, men don't have to be taught how to have an orgasm, the male orgasm seems to be far more "automatic," while some women have to learn how to orgasm.  If the wife has never had an orgasm, then your goal as a newlywed married couple is to bring her to orgasm by whatever means it takes.  Don't be afraid to use hands or a vibrator.  Even then, it may take a few days and experimentation.
  
  
  --Learn each other
  
  Discover what your spouse's body reacts well to.  Discover what makes them gasp.  Discover that about your own body: when you know what you like, you can communicate it.  Let them know if they do something that hurts or is unpleasant: if they tell you that something you're doing hurts, stop.
  
  
  Do you have any other advice to add to the Double-Virgin Wedding Night guide?
  

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