Tuesday, 18 May 2010
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Not Up to the Challenge of a Relationship
It seems to me, more and more that some people are unfit for relationships and the long hauls that they usually bring. They want to bullshit their way through a lot of it..without ever being completely serious or without ever making up their minds...and it has happened to me. It has happened to a lot of us, in ways that can't be describe.
First, we have that crush and then try to get to know them, then slowly as time passes by...we hook up. But then something strange happens. Their perfection in a kind of way melts down, and we realize in the long run that they are better off as friends, then as boyfriends or girlfriends. I just believe that some people can't handle relationships, that they can't comprehend what relationships are (at least the serious ones..) I noticed it with my ex, first off it was just great because we had liked each other in high school but he graduated (I was a freshman and he was a senior) then we reconnected when I turned 18. Like I said, it was great until the trouble began over something quite silly...
And even then I didn't believe he was really paying attention to my feelings or anything that concerned me. I think he was more preoccupied with his gaming or just having a girlfriend period. Though, he was cute and funny; he completely lacked the understanding to what a relationship needed to thrive on. What a relationship really was; what was needed to keep it alive. Soon, I began doing all the work; trying my hardest to please him when he did nothing except push me aside before using me. He couldn't seem to take all the stress of a relationship even though I did most of the work. He only thought of the pleasure of it...then he couldn't make up his mind..and so we were off and on. Off and on..and then when I broke up with him recently, it came to my attention that perhaps he wasn't ever going to be good in a relationship. That he lacked maturity to deal with relationships.. (Though he was older than me by 5 years..I'm 20 now...) and it wasn't just him that I noticed this trend in. I noticed it frequently in other couples..my friends and who they were dating. It was like they were better off as friends rather than being a couple..yet the relationships were failing.
Maybe, just maybe..some people can't do relationships..maybe, they just can't handle the big stuff that comes along and don't know how to manage the stress that comes with it. Maybe, some people can't ever be in relationships..
that's my conclusion really, at least from experience and from close friends' experiences.
So I ask, have you ever been with someone who was better being a friend then as a girlfriend or boyfriend? And I ask again, what are your opinions on this strange phenomenal? And have you ever noticed it?
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- From: Hinase@xanga
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Comments (22)
This is so true. Some men make great friends but just can't offer that emotional stability that a boyfriend tends to bring to the table.
all the more reason to be cautious and take it slow... not foolproof but may help against it later...
I've noticed people aren't ready for relationships, I think you're going about it all wrong. It seems in your relationship it was more him than you, he may have just wanted a girlfriend but not a relationship. Seems like he was one of those types who don't know there is a challenge, he'd much rather reap the benefits and sulk when there are none.... Well that's how I'd imagine that archetype.
My ex was so immature when it came to relationships that it made ME feel like a big pushy bitch sometimes, because I wanted him to do such simple things for me that were so hard for him to do (i.e. him come visit me). It was all for the better, though. I can't believe he's in a 9-month relationship now. Then again, the girl hangs around and does nothing at his apartment (doesn't have a job) while he works during the day, and then gives him the sex he wants at night...he might as well get himself a narcissistic, egotistical blow-up doll that takes pictures of itself all day and is dressed as a generic poser scene girl.
Well... people are finicky. Think about it: of all the people that you come across in your life, how many do you think are attractive? Now, how many do you wind up establishing a real, heartfelt connection with? Finally, how often is it that the same person you learn to love is the one who loves you the same way?
I've come across many guys I've thought were cute, or hot, or adorable, or whatever. I've only truly loved two. The first time was broken and unrequited, four years ago. The second is my boyfriend right now, whom I adore. I love his personality, he means a lot to me, and I know I mean the same to him. However, the future is blurred out and NEVER certain, and I understand that. All I believe is that you can revel in the moment you're in right now.
Not to get all philosophical, though. Sorry
i've noticed it, but i am not friends with anyone i was in a relationship with.
i think some people, especially at our age, just aren't ready for a serious relationship. we are still quite young. but i think eventually everyone learns. maybe it's not with you or me, but with someone else who just fits them just the right way at the right time.
I think people are just afraid of commitment and don't want to feel like they are missing out on something.
Everyone is always looking for the bigger better deal.
Relationships aren't for everyone. It's hard work and unfortunately not everyone wants to put in the work.
People expect commitment too soon in this day and age, mainly cuz way back when people were much younger when making life commitments ... we feel this should be the case for us, but the effects of society and the media on us make us not want to settle down ... yet that idea is still ingrained too deeply into our heads, that our first love/s should be our only. Hence arising problems with commitment and making the wrong choices while we're young ... often leading to ongoing bad choices and taking so long to truly "grow up" enough to make a relationship work.
i think that chicks, in general, have changed over time! we can be too pushy and everything, men don't need to make the effort anymore so yeah, they back off a bit and it seems more like friends.
simple answer? make him work for the relationship and bingo, it'll become a full-blown relationship.i know way too many people who can't seem to handle a relationship. they are all about instant gratification and they gripe about everything else. i think people just try to get into things too early - not age-wise, but without any maturity. i blame the media!!!
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Who cares!!! My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He- is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at an age gap dating site [A_g_e_m_i_n_g_l_e @ c.//o.//m]---a nice and free place for Younger- Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or- tell your friends
Most of my relationships have been with guys that I was better off being friends with, hence why they're my exes rather than present b/f. But I tend not to refer to them as my exes... When I break up with them I ensure that we remain friends. Some of my best friends right now are my "exes". As to your observation, yes I have noticed it, and even experienced it. My opinion, from my experience is that if it isn't working fix it, if that means breaking up so they can catch up to me by growing up so be it. In the mean time we'll be friends. My thing is, just because that type of relationship did not work does mean another kind won't.
I learned that from my last ex, who thought a serious relationship involved screwing other people. wtf?! I thought she was BSing me but she was dead serious and broke down when I said, "BYE!" lol Better to get out of it than be married to it...
Wow! You know, i get the message your trying to say and Im glad you wrote this post because I was trying to come to terms with the situation Im in. Ive got a great guy who adores me and wants to date me (3 years ago we dated for 2 years) and I just keep getting distracted. "What if something better comes along?" And it was the thrill of the distraction. Me and him have our own problems but really im working on being happy where IM AT, instead of WHERE I WANNA BE. Well, not saying I dont have any goals but Im working on appreciating him for everything hes done while I used to cast him aside and put him on the backburner (sad but true) Ive been working very hard! Its hard to find a guy like him, and id be an idiot to throw it away because I think that there might be 'something better out there'. And yes there has been a few cold feet moments..
I personally think a lot people in relationships aren't actually ready to be in one, and the proportion of people of people in relationships that aren't ready gets higher as the ages of the people get younger. The thing is, people use relationships as an emotional crutch. This is okay if you only need a crutch every once in a while; that's what the person is there for. But if you can't already stand on your own two and be happy at least some of the time, then you shouldn't be in a relationship where you're going to bring your partner down. I firmly believe a person should figure themself out before trying to get into a relationship.
Hell, you know why I know I'm ready for a relationship? Because I don't need one to be happy. I'm happy being single, but if I found the right person I would certainly date them. This way, I know I can be my own person in a relationship instead of basically basing my identity as "So-and-so's girlfriend." And I will not date a woman unless she is in the same situation. This gives me a very small subset of women that I would actually date, but it's better than dating someone who has a crippling emotional need to have a boyfriend because she hates herself so much that she has to distract herself in any way possible.
i agree. 100%
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It's a nice and free place for Younger- Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to- interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or- tell your friends
it seems like you two are not involved in the same 'relationship'
Agreed compeletly.
Hey
I kind of come across with ur current situation except i hvnt noe this guy for long before we started out.
I totally agree wif u that some people cant handle relationships.
they werent ready to commit to it.
anyhow, i believe at sum point of their lives, they will want to commit in a serious and stable relationship. i guess its all the timing issue?!?!
I guess try and look for guys who are ready for relationship??? becuz i do believe there are some out there!!!
good luck!