Monday, 17 May 2010
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He Lied About His Past, What Else is He Hiding?
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. Before our relationship was official, he told me he had never been in love or been in a relationship. I never had a boyfriend before so I was pretty excited to meet a guy who was also waiting to find his first love.This past weekend, I found out that he had a girlfriend for four years. They parted ways after college but remain friends. I know that he genuinely loves me but still somehow feel like I was deceived and lied to.
If he could somehow “erase” his 4-year history with someone, then what else is he hiding from me? I’ve been a nervous wreck since the discovery but haven’t brought it up because he’s going through a stressful time at work. I’m confused and honestly don’t know what to do.Should I confront him or try to forget about this whole ordeal? Any advice?
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Comments (64)
Duh?
You talk to him about it, or its gonna eat at you.
That's pretty basic.
@MandiiSunset@xanga - +1.
Just talk to him. Ask him why he didn't share that with you.
I'd say confront him.
Hiding a 4 year relationship is a pretty big deal I'd think.
Talk to him and let him explain why he didn't tell you.
If you don't talk to him, it'll just bug you constantly.
First things first, NEVER EVER EVER assume a man has never been with another female. If they say they haven't ever been with one, they've been with five. If they say they've only been with one other girl, he means one other girl this year. And if homeboy says he's only slept with 10 girls, HE IS LYING, its 20. They keep girls up their sleeve and under their bed, don't sleep on men - they are sneaky fucking characters.
Second, HOW COULD YOU BE WITH SOMEONE AND NOT KNOW THIS INFORMATION ALREADY? Maybe its because I'm super anal - but I do my homework before I invest anytime in a man. I don't deal with secrets, or shady-ness or unfinished stories. I demand to know everything and everyone. If I'm going to be a girlfriend, I'm going to be a part of your life, you know? Gotta always do your homework.
Now, you listen her. You confront him and don't be nice about it. Demand answers and put your foot down. Ask him if there is any thing else he wants to tell you. Tell him you ALREADY know something and you wanna hear him admit to it. BE SERIOUS. Straight faced. Most men will either ask you what you know and get on you about it - DON'T BE WEAK. Be like "If you wont't tell me, fine. But I know it and don't think I won't get you back. Karma is a Bitch." At this point homeboy will crumble and come clean.
Good luck.
@WordsandThoughts@xanga - Really? Just because a guy says that he hasn't been with a girl automatically means he's lying? I've several friends who still has never had a girlfriend, so these generalizations need to stop. It's pretty much like saying that since you're a girl and you said that you only been with one guy, you've probably been with over 10+ and slept with all of them. But that is never the case.
Otherwise, yes, she should confront him about it. Lying and hiding isn't something that should be in a relationship.
@laytexduckie@xanga - No, it doesn't mean he's lying. But you always have to assume they are, if you let your guard down to early in a relationship you'll always be the fool. You can't go into a situation with someone when it involves your heart and not have all your ducks in a row. You're a fucking fool is you're going to trust someone right away without knowing the truth for yourself. My generalizations won't stop and you need to grow some tolerance to other people's opinions. And once again, you either live in a cave or your oblivious to the world going on around you - but chicks do lie and I have known females who have told men they have been with less than 10 partners and have in fact been well over 20. So, apparently my 'generalizations' have some credibility cause I'd rather be informed about the man I'm investing my time and emotions into than be played like a fool and left for dead by a male who only thinks with his cock.
Don't ever tell me I need to stop anything, you're not my mother and you're sure as hell not more powerful than me. Learn some respect.
@WordsandThoughts@xanga - The idea here is to not go into any date or any form of contact with already predetermined prejudices. You're going to judge the person even before you're going to meet them and give them a chance. Yeah, there are guys and guys who try to take advantage of anything they can, but there are also the same amount, if not, more who just want to genuinely meet and be with someone. Assumptions are what's going to disappoint you all the time. It's better to go into something with an open mind than to just go in hardheaded and assume that everyone is this way, because if they were, why would you bother going with them anyways?
Respect has to go both ways. And right now, you're not giving men the proper respect saying that all of them who say they've never been with a girl are all liars.
@laytexduckie@xanga - Respect isn't given, its earned. End of story.
@WordsandThoughts@xanga - And just because he's a guy, he doesn't deserved it? Without knowing anything about him before you meet him? Just because he said he hasn't been with a girl? And you're automatically going to judge him based on that? And so you feel that you can put ALL men into that one category?
@WordsandThoughts@xanga - Trust is golden. If you keep your guard UP, the relationship will fall. Yes, you'll never be the fool, but you'll always be stressed and suspicious and annoyed. Just...just date trustworthy guys.
I think that his past is really not any of your business. I do understand that you feel betrayed, and I would confront him about it, because he should not have lied. I do however, think that someone's past is theirs to keep. With my current boyfriend, we have not discussed in depth any relationships in our past. I am curious, but I know that once I do find out, it may lead me to feel jealous or insecure for no reason at all. His past has nothing to do with me, and my past has nothing to do with him. We have not discussed numbers of sexual partners either. We love each other for who we are, not who we've been with or how many serious relationships we've had. That's irrelevant. Confronting your man though is necessary........just sit him down and tell him that you feel deceived and it hurts. I don't know your man or how he will react, but he should be receptive to what his girl is feeling. Good luck.
@elusivefriends@xanga - I trust my man more than anyone in this world, don't get it twisted. But you bet your ass I'm going to know that he had a girlfriend of 4 years before I call him mine. I have a fantastic relationship, so obviously I did something right.
@WordsandThoughts@xanga - Honey, I won't tell you to stop anything, but it's girls like you that made my man distrust me at first. What guy will believe a girl that is upfront with him, when he's met coniving chicks like you? People like you make it harder for everyone else to trust people. Seriously, it's upsetting that you're like this. Maybe it's because you're drawn to the wrong type of guys, or maybe you make men scared to tell you the truth. But guys I've been with have been rather upfront with me and I with them. Time tests everything, and as long as I keep an open mind, keep my eyes peeled, with time I will learn all I need to. I do not have to mistrust someone and assume they are lying off the bat. I simply have to be cautious not to jump in head first. Personally I believe if you truly believe what you believe you'll have problems in your relationships. Nobody wants to feel mistrusted and checked up on, and attacked all the time. People want to feel accepted and like others are open to getting to know them.
@FueltotheFire@xanga - Funny thing is, I always get the truth from my intended target. It has never been an issue for me and my tactics have proven effective. I have learned a lot in my life and have learned how to apply what I've learned to my current relationship. I don't trust ANYONE off the bat, not a man, not a female, not ANYONE. Maybe everyone you've met in this world has been all rainbows and gumdrops, but not where I'm from. I hold my head up high and conduct myself the way I wish to. I've learned my lessons.
And 'girls like me' are the reason men keep secrets from 'girls like you'.
@WordsandThoughts@xanga - I've been lied to, and I've been cheated on, but I found out (actually sooner rather than later) and left. And no, girls like you are the reason guys can't trust me when I tell them the truth. People second guess me, and others like me, because girls like you have led them to believe everyone is a liar. Everyone I've met isn't sunshine and rainbows, and I don't expect to learn everything immediately. It's a process and it takes time. I take my time, so I learn a great deal before I ever get serious in any type of relationship, including friendship. People very quickly learn that I don't tolerate lies or secrecy, but I will give them the benefit of the doubt, unless they give me a reason not to. That doesn't mean I don't take the time to learn enough about them to see if they're they type of person I want to know, that just means I let them tell me things in their own time, and I don't judge when they do. Now should a lie come out (and a great majority of the time it happens quickly) the consequences are severe. I just don't feel like I have to learn everything immediately, distrust everything people say, and act like I'm somehow better then they are until it's been proven otherwise. You'll close yourself off to a lot of great people who just don't like being treated like criminals.
Who cares!!! My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He- is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at an age gap dating site [A_g_e_m_i_n_g_l_e @ c.//o.//m]---a nice and free place for Younger- Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or- tell your friends
@FueltotheFire@xanga - So, what is the point of this? What do you really have to prove? You don't like my advice or how I think? Too bad. This is who I am, and I have no complaints. You don't like what I said? Too bad. It is what is is. Either you really like hearing yourself talk or you're just another case of someone who talks a lot but doesn't say much.
Everyone's life, friends, relationships and situations are different. My advice is from MY experience. Sorry it offends/upsets you, but thats just how it is and obviously you just couldn't handle it.
@FueltotheFire@xanga - Preach it sista!
So, you've been dating for about two years. You found out that he had a girlfriend for about 4 years who's relationship ended after they got out college or something to that degree. Which makes me assume that you guys are both mid twenties. I mean, no one gets out of college at 19... regardless. I gotta be honest, this whole thing seems a little silly. I mean, why would he tell you that he hasn't dated anyone... much less has had a long term relationship. Also, why would you be so accepting of that fact? Wouldn't it seem a bit odd that a guy in his mid twenties is starting his romantic career in his mid twenties (this is assuming the guy doesn't have anything massive going against him ie: odd social habits, obese, weird, etc) I dunno.. the whole thing just seems a little silly.
Now, to answer your question, yes, I'm sure he is hiding plenty from you. We all do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the guy has a whole other life on the side, or is sleeping around or whatever just because he didn't reveal his romantic history, but we all have parts of us that we don't completely reveal to our significant other for fear of rejection or humiliation or what not. And let me ask you this, if you ask him what else he's hiding, and he says nothing, how much is that really going to change? Are you going to believe him? Will the issue be dropped?
But yeah, confront him about it. There's no reason that you shouldn't be lied to, but theres no reason he should feel threatened either, because right now, nothing bad happened. You just found out that he dated someone else some time ago... The more threatened and off put a guy feels the less likely he will be to tell you a damn thing...
And ultimately, if you don't care for the outcome, then dump him. Find a situation that you're more comfortable in.
I think he doesn't tell because that relationship might've ended on a sour note so he doesn't want to tell you, then you might ask him details about that past relationship and bring the memories back that he wants to forget. it wasn't right for him to lie and I would feel that he deceived me, too, but as long as he isn't cheating with his ex or anyone else and moved on from the past and treats you great now, then I'd let bygones be bygones. however, I understand how disappointed you may feel that you won't be his first love but he'll be yours.
@WordsandThoughts@xanga - You know, its kinda nice to see someone else who isn't afraid to stir some shit in the ever shallow pool of love troubles. However I would disagree with some of your points and methods. Just because a guy says something doesn't mean he's ultimately lying and hiding ... if nothing else I might even say that the general "he's always lying" ideal might perpetuate the cycle of hiding ... hey, if you think i'm lying from the beginning, why would I, one not lie, or two tell you things that might make you distrust for me... Kinda sucks being in trouble for nothing we've done...
Oh, and on a side note... how many guys do you know that have honestly had 20 girlfriends? I mean, damn!
And the 'dont take no shit' approach to the confrontation might be a bit less than effective... not that i really think you'll care about my side of the debate here... but none the less... figured I'd just put in my two cents...
@TheDoubleDeuces@xanga - Yeah, I don't give everyone a fair shake, but thats just me.
Well, I wasn't referring to girlfriends, I was more in the ballpark of 'partners'.
And it's not an approach, thats me.
@WordsandThoughts@xanga - So why not give everyone a fair shake? Are people no longer innocent until proven guilty?
Is my opinion or feelings on this topic or any topic THAT interesting? I'm just one person. You're wasting your time and mine.
@WordsandThoughts@xanga - Just cuz you dealt with a bunch of bullshit and think your experiences were all high and mighty as compared to the rest of the world, doesn't make you sooo different from the rest of us and one-of-a-kind. Get off your high horse and don't make it seem so damn horrible for being able to trust someone and not dig so incredibly deep into others' lives before being with them. You expect to find out about 100% of a person before even knowing how or who they are and if there are some mysteries or hidden wonders, you call it off and call them untrustworthy. You overanalyze and assume to much, which apparently shows in your posts. Women like you are the epitome of shame. To speak your mind and to give your input is one thing, but to be a bitch 24/7 and also degrading others' opinions is another, and what is also sad, is that you seem quite proud of it. Such a pity.