Monday, 10 May 2010
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Datingish Advice: She Comes and Goes
In the Datingish Advice tab, ThisSimpleSymphony@xanga wrote:
She says that she's very interested and she says if I don't text you don't take it personally I'm just really ADD.
We have a wonderful time whenever we go on dates, but I never really hear from her between dates.
She got out of a long term relationship (4+ years) back in November.. and told me that she wants to take things slow.
I agreed, because I'm in a similar situation. But is she really interested or am I just someone to hang out with?
She seems adamant that she definitely is interested, but yet.. I really never hear from her and she never attempts to make any plans.
I just want to get some advice on what might be going on so that when I do get a chance to talk to her again (next time we hang out) I can sorta.. have a good idea of what to expect.
So.. is she interested or is she just enjoying the company and the free food?
Share your advice here!
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Comments (20)
i don't know much about the situation but what she is saying sounds fair enough. after having gotten out of a long-term relationship, i am definitely damaged goods and all i want to DO is move slow and learn to trust again. it's been two years and i still feel like i'm broken in the worst way. so if she is anything like me, she means what she says, she likes you and knows that you're good for her, and she's just trying to convince herself to keep it going and see if it's all worth it.
but like i said, i'm not her or you, and she could have any number of motives~ such is the range of human emotion and the motivation behind the words and actions =P
i never make plans unless there's something i truly want to do.
Well, the good thing is she's upfront about it - 1) she's interested in you, 2) she wants to take things slow, and 3) if she don't text you, don't take it personally.
Personally, if I really like a guy and I have just gotten out of a LTR, I would text him at least once here and there to tell him that he's on my mind. If not, maybe I am waiting for someone better to approach.
But who knows? Just don't take it personally if she don't text you! That's what she told you, anyways.
well, i'd say she is just enjoying the company. she may want to take things slow, but i think the real question is if you want to. it's also worth asking how slow she intends, because she may just not want a relationship for a long while, but may be seeking companionship as long as she can get it.
Again, never settle for someone who isn't crazy about you. After she knows your value, typically after 3 dates, everything should be 50/50. Keep your head up, don't stew over one there are thousands out there.
she sounds like a snob. I think she is interested but wants you to chase her so she lets you text her and make plans.
@notsocharming@xanga - I personally am coming to the conclusion that when people are sending those mixed signals it's because they're not too sure what they want/ect.
But where your situation differs is that he is truly busy. Where as in my situation she is not.
Good luck either way.
@andsoshewrites@xanga - What you're saying does make sense. I'm just not so sure that I buy it when it's applied to her. More and more I'm getting the vibes that she's just enjoying being able to go out and have money spent on her. So I'm going to lay off. I'm not going to text her. If she does really like me, and she wants to see me.. she'll make plans right?
@jamoncita@xanga - you definitely got me thinking. I personally have never been one for dating. I have a bad history of serial monogamy in the worst way. So I definitely am used to things going a lot quicker than they have in this situation.. but I definitely have came to the conclusion that slow is what I want.. as long as the connection is still there. We'll see what happens, thanks for the advice.
@helpingkill@xanga - definitely not a 50/50 thing. 3 dates does seem to be a good rule of thumb, but it's the first time I've heard it.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - she has definitely mentioned that she likes to make people guess (playing mind games) so maybe I should be super careful. You're right... she does seem to want to make me chase her. I dunno what to do about that! Thanks for your advice though.
@ThisSimpleSymphony@xanga - she just got out of a long term relationship so she isn't used to being unattached and I think she fears being alone and your suspicions were right that she is enjoying the company and free food and whatever else you offer, but don't spoil her too much or else she'll take you for granted. I think she enjoys the attention that you give her and the ADD is an excuse. I think I have selective A.D.D because when I like a guy, my attention is often focused on him and everyone else fades into the background. I was in a similar situation where I gave the guy attention and he wanted me to chase him. it got boring quickly because he didn't flirt back but gave me the snobby busy excuse too. unfortunately, I don't talk to that guy anymore and I'm glad lol
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - Either way, it's not working for me in the sense that I'm a very upfront person and while I don't have to talk to the person I'm dating daily.. I do enjoy talking with them occasionally. She's stated that she likes having the control, but it's me asking if she wants to hang out. I just don't like it. It's not equal. Haha.. She's great but IDK.
As for spoiling her too much.. too late. Way too late. We'll see what happens though. I'm taking a break from texting her and IMing her.. if she's interested and it's not just something to keep her busy.. she'll make an effort.
(as a side note: I think your picture of the M&M is pretty awesome)
@ThisSimpleSymphony@xanga - she knows that you like her a lot so she likes to play hard to get. it can be cute at first but very annoying later. it happened to me before. I knew that he was reading my texts but not responding. I gave him the benefit of the doubt at first but he just acted more like a jerk so I ditched him and found someone else to flirt with.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - haha. exactly what I thought. good for you! I'm bout to do the same. I just really am not into the games at all.. so it was never cute to begin with.
maybe there's no romance in it if things are too calculated and slow going...
Wow, I sound exactly like this girl.
And my explanation for not calling (when I am actually VERY interested) has always been, I REALLY don't want to feel like I'm annoying this guy. If he wants to call, he'll call. He's the man anyway; he SHOULD call. So I just always let him contact me after a date first. Call me traditional or whatever, but maybe this girl's the same way. Maybe she just doesn't like the actual action of asking. Or has a fear of rejection or annoying you or something like that.
If I am really interested, though, I always give up on the traditional route and at least text him a little so he knows he's on my mind. It seems like she would too, so you are getting some serious mixed signals, that sucks.
Also, this is coming from a 20-year-old who answers "I really like you" with "Right back at you," so what do I know?
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If a girl uses the dreaded excuse of "I'm a traditional/old-fashioned" girl who expects you to do ALL of the calling, asking and paying -- as opposed-- to having mutual feelings and effort... you know where to cut your losses.
I don't know about you but I'm the type of a guy that neither lets a girl take me for granted nor test my patience; patience is NOT a virtue.
It's all about making it so that it is about giving and taking; reciprocation.
@whole_rubber_soul@xanga -
Whether someone is interested or not is evident in his or her actions.
Soooo I think I'm your girl in this situation.
I've got some people who are crazy about me. And I'm not saying that to be conceited, they think I'm really something.But a certain few of them, I get a kick out of jerking them around. Sometimes I like them, sometimes I can't stand them. Sometimes I think about it, and realize that I'd be embarrassed to introduce them to my friends, or tell mutual friends that we started dating.
It's not you. It's her, and it's me. We're just complicated and confused and we don't know what we want.I think you need to take control and tell her, "This is it. You either want me or you don't. Commit to me or I'm out of here." Be assertive! It's sexy, we like it(:
@bubblepopelectric1230@xanga - That is exactly what it's going to come down to. I told her that I wanted to talk to her about something.. and before I could say what she's already being more talkative. I haven't even got the opportunity to talk to her yet because she's distracting me with other things. But it's coming... the "You want this to go somewhere or you don't" talk. It's not because I specifically want the commitment, but I don't even wanna waste my time if it's never going to be a commitment sorta thing. Make sense?
oh wow she sounds like me. november was a LONG time ago... she probably really enjoys your company and likes hanging out with you.. but you may just not be *special* enough for her to get serious with. sounds like shes still exploring her other options....