Monday, 10 May 2010
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Would You Ditch Your Family For Your SO?
I admit that I take on too much responsibility fairly often. I grew up taking care of my little brother, being the one that was responsible for everyone else, and I naturally took that role as I got older. In my sorority, I became the elected officer who makes sure that rules are being followed and mediating disputes, and I expanded that to include taking care of anyone who needed me, round-the-clock.
Naturally, this conditioned me to be a little possessive. In the case of my little brother, this means that I like to spend quality time with him. He and I go to school in different states, but we always get together for family birthdays and major holidays. At least, we used to. Lately, his girlfriend has become increasingly demanding. She insists that he spend every major holiday with HER family, and he has missed my birthday for the past two years because he was with her, the past two Thanksgivings, and was only at Christmas because my family threatened to disinherit him. Her family lives in the same town as mine, yet he is forbidden from coming home unless it is to sleep; sometimes he is not even allowed to do that much. He is only 20 years old, and while they have been dating for a few years, we found out he regularly ditches class to drive to the next state to see her (they don't go to the same school). My family and I worry that this is becoming an unhealthy relationship, but he won't hear any of it.
A week ago, he agreed to drive me to the airport to go back home from my family's house to my place. I leave in a few days, and today he told me that he cannot take me to the airport, and that I will have to find another way. Our parents are divorced, and the one whom we grew up with will be on call at work (doctor) and cannot take me. My only other friend who I could ask will be unable to because her father is having surgery that morning. I don't have my own car here, so it's not like I can just drive home, and even if I could, I didn't pay for the plane ticket, so it would feel ungrateful to waste them.
At this point, I am beyond humiliated that my own brother, who I took care of for years while our single parent worked full time, cannot be away from his girlfriend for the hour that it would take him to drive me to the airport and back to her place. He has spent the past week with her, because he was done with finals early, and intends to spend the rest of the week staying with her (and her whole family).
Tell me Datingish, is my reaction unfair? Should I be more understanding of his relationship with his girlfriend? Or should I be worried about the amount of power this girl has over my brother? Have you ever been in a situation similar to this, and if so, how did you deal?
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- From: Honey14
- About Me: Just a girl.
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Comments (28)
People can sometimes be obsessively focused on the new love of their life to the point that they do seem to be ditching everyone else. Usually the weird couple centric thing wears off quickly and they both come up for air look around and wonder where all their friends went to. I hope that's the case with your brother. No, I wouldn't ditch my family for a guy but many others will and they usually come to regret it.
In your situation, no, I think it's appropriate to feel that way. I'm like your brother in my relationship because I have NO attachment to my own family whatsoever. I don't have siblings, my dad doesn't live very close, and my mom just doesn't care about anything I do. I ditched family yesterday to spend mother's day with my SO's family. I spend Christmas and other holidays there, too.
If you guys have (or had?) such a great relationship, you should tell him how it's affecting you. Even better, if you have the guts, talk to his girlfriend. She can't *really* get mad or jealous because you're his SISTER.
tell him to man up to his gf; otherwise, she will control him for the rest of his life and it IS an unhealthy relationship now!
it's one thing to spend a lot of time with your SO, but her demanding him not to spend time with his family or doing stuffs for his family is just plain immature and stupid!
tell him to tell her what if the role was reverse, and that he tell her not to do all those things and see how she likes it?!!
Your brother is being ridiculous. This sounds pretty unhealthy. She's got him by the short hairs. Your brother needs to grow a pair and be his own man. And spend time with his family. I mean, my brother spends a lot of time with his long-term girlfriend, but I still see him. Maybe as a first step your brother could hang out with her around your family? At least it's a start.
I wouldn't ditch family or friends for an SO. That's just how I am. They were there first, they've done more for me, and they've put up with more than I'd like to admit. Besides, becoming obsessed with an SO is just unhealthy and will probably backfire anyway.
worried. also, his girlfriend should be understanding that HE has his ow family, and he should be more appreciative of you and his parents , the people, as you stated, who took care of him since he was growing up.
this girl sounds selfish.
I think you're right to be worried about him.
This girl has way too much power over what he does. While I don't necessarily think this is the case here, detaching a person from their family members and other friends is one of the signs of an abusive relationship.
I'm curious as to what her reasons for doing this are. It's one thing to want to spend time with your SO... it's another to compromise his home life to do it. Is there room in the car to get you for her? If so, could he not come get you and let her ride along? If she came to Christmas at your house, she'd still be with him, couldn't she?
And the relationship's been going on for several years?
She sounds horribly manipulative.
Tbh I would be a bit worried, because that girl does seem to have a lot of power over your brother if he can't spare any time for you. I suggest you just try talking to him. I don't really have any experience in this area though, sorry.
Spending at least half the major holidays with her family is reasonable; spending your birthday with her family and being unable to leave her for an hour to drive you to the airport is ridiculous. For that matter, why can't she come with him in the car to the airport? It sounds a lot like the girl is trying to possess him and separate him from his family. If that is the case, the relationship is bad bad news.
Unfortunately, there is not a lot you can do about that, since your brother is of age and won't hear anything bad against her. My only suggestion is that if she will speak to you at all, make friends with her. And do it not in a double-crossing way, but sincerely looking for the good in her (your brother sees it; something at least must be there). If you and she actually develop a friendly relationship, she may become more open to her and your brother spending more time with your family. Of course, she may be hostile and this attempt hopeless, but it is the best you can do. Good luck.
It all depends on the situation.
I would like to think that I would never betray my family for a guy, but you never really know. Sometimes love can make you do crazy, regretful things
Your reaction is fair in this situation. You're his SISTER his FAMILY and it's his obligation to be there for you when you need him the same way you've been there for him. It's ridiculous for him to not take you to the airport b/c of his girlfriend. That's insane. He needs to cut her loose and reconnect with his blood.
if my SO > my family, why not? haha... depends on the extent of "ditching" my family though... probably wouldn't kill them for her I mean... nor should I be going out with her if that is what she wanted...
I would not ditch my family for my SO if I had one.
This has happened with two of my siblings. I don't even consider one of my siblings a real part of our family anymore because of doing this. Except it was way worse than this situation.
Don't be understanding at all for this. Leaving your family behind is a big mistake. Talking to him about it, though, wouldn't help at all. It tends to make the situation worse. All I can really say is that I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I hope you can work things out, though.
your brother continually ditching you is problematic and a delicate and sad situation. However, the more pressing problem is how you're going to get to the airport, right?
I would call up the girlfriend herself (without telling your brother) and ask her to give you a ride. Tell her that you don't have anyone else to take you. Say you hardly get to see her and would like a chance to spend some time with her.
(whether or not you come to any resolution about time conflicts while driving in a car together, and whether or not she brings your brother, are somewhat irrelevant. I think she wouldn't be so rude as to say no when you're asking in a nice way. And who knows? maybe she would come over more if she knew you better.)
ehhh i am a blunt person when it comes to situations like this.
she seems like a controlling biatch. id be upset if i were you.
This seems familiar; i do not think your reaction is unfair at all... coming to the point where my sisters boyfriend seems to be taking up all her time, her family just doesnt seem as important anymore, this happened before their 1 year mark of being together. Now he wants to basically move to the other side of town (which might as well be the other side of the world), closer to his family. It all seems his way, and she just seems to go along with it. She wont even wear her leather jackets, because he dislikes them on her; when she is running out of warm clothes to wear, but she wont wear it because of him not liking it.Oh no, he wont get her something warm to wear but he will have an issue with her wearing it. I sometimes wonder if he knows that he needs to be talking care of her and not make her misreable. I hardly even get to spend time with just her without him, so maybe i am also possessive but i do not think a relationship will crumble apart if they spend time apart. I wish that it wasnt a chore to hang out with me any more, thats all.
I've tried talking to him about it several times, but he just shuts down if anyone brings it up. The part that annoys me the most is that he was with her all last week when he agreed to do me this favor (and I was going to pay for his gasoline), but when he went over to her place yesterday I got a text form him that said "hey, can't take u to airport. sorry--ask someone else." When I asked him why, he said "stop being selfish." Now, don't know about you guys, but my mind immediately thought that his GF must have changed his mind.
@corpsegutted@xanga--Our family is kinda scattered these days, but we've always been pretty close. Growing up, we were told that the relationship you have with your family is the most important, because no matter what happens with your friendships or acquaintances, your family is forever. Learning that, we've always been there for each other, even though we sometimes disagree or blow up at one another. I guess that's why the constant ditching stings a little more every time.
@unabridgedtales@xanga--I've wondered if there is something a little off in their relationship before. They broke up once about a year and a half ago because she'd cheated on him, but he took her back in less than 48 hours. Since then, I hear from friends that go to school with her that all she does is party it up until he comes to visit, then she's Miss Goody-Goody. It makes me worry, because I've been in an abusive relationship where my SO acted like that, and he had so much control over me that I gave up all of my friends--but I never gave up my family. I guess I'll just hope that things work out, and if they don't, I'll try to help him out as much as I can.
i think it depends. personally, i'm not a fan of the idea that family should come first simply because they're related to you through blood.
in my case... my family is nothing to feel proud of, really. at least, not when compared to my boyfriend. i rarely have to choose between the two, but my boyfriend would win out every time i do.
I would be pretty angry too if I were you =/
Family will always be there for each other, but that girlfriend won't always be there for him..
If he takes your kindness for granted, he will be screwed for when he needs a favor from you in the future.
Tell your brother that his girlfriend is being way too clingy & maybe there is an underlying reason for the reason why she is clingy..& try to fix that I guess..cause he can't go on living for her needs.
Goodluck!
You reaction is in no way unfair. Hell, he can take his girlfriend along if she can't be without him. Then talk about it in her presence. Like "I don't know how this was so hard, see, it's not going to take long at all, and you know I'd do the same for you." If she's going to be a selfish bitch, though, you need to talk it out with him. From the sound of it, you've always been there for him and he's not giving the same back.
I have a situation where I'm the one who wants to up and leave my family so I can go live with my boyfriend. I'm grateful for what my parents have done for me over the years, sure. But ever since my mom discovered she could intimidate me with screaming violently and hitting me (started 5 years ago), she and my dad have been on power trips. After a call to the police and a talk with social services, she no longer attempts physical violence but verbal abuse still reigns supreme.
I'm turning 20, pay for everything on my own and have a job, figured out school money etc., done everything I should as a responsible adult...and I'm stuck at home most nights because my mom won't let me out past 11pm (and she WILL call the police if I use the car or walk out), or I can't sleep over at my boyfriend's because she doesn't want me to, tells me I do nothing around the house when I do everyone's chores (my brother and sister do nothing), buy groceries, put gas in the two cars we have, then drive the entire fucking soccer team all over the map, etc. My boyfriend wants me out as soon as possible because I'm constantly miserable due to the verbal degradation and the fact that they won't allow me to speak up about how they make me feel...and I'm going to go live with him until we both move out because here, it's impossible.
But everything's gonna work out. I can feel it.
I don't think any guy is really worth ditching my family for.
since she cheated on him before, he has become very insecure and overprotective because he is afraid that she'll cheat on him again so he wants to follow her wherever she is to watch her to make sure that she doesn't stray.
Email him this post!
The girlfriend is not respectful of your brother's family, and therefore does not love him at all. Your brother is perhaps "too blinded by her love" but also straight immature and selfish for not being there for you, especially after all you have done for him. Perhaps he is getting negatively influenced by his girlfriend. It seems like their relationship is unhealthy to the most.
@wizard_howl@xanga - This.
Ask him to bring his girlfriend with him.
And then nearing the airport, talk about how much of a selfish bitch she's being.
My boyfriend is probably one of the most whipped guys on this planet, and he's not even this whipped where he would ditch his family for me.
It sounds as if he s taking you for granted?
I've never done this myself, but I have seen some of my friends do that to their families.
Their logic was that no matter what or how much stink things they do to their family, at the end of the day, they'd still stick by. In a way, family love or at least obligation is seen as being unconditional, but with relationships, there is a need to actively gain the other person's love etc. This makes sense to me, but I don't think it's right.