Saturday, 08 May 2010
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How Do You Navigate That Blurry Line Between Friends and a Couple?
I've been seeing this guy for a little over a month now. We both really like each other and we get along really well, but I don't think either of us is looking for anything serious, so it's definitely more of a friends with benefits relationship. The problem is, I've never really been in a situation like this before. We usually only see each other on the weekends, and outside from that, when we do cross paths in class, we're just goofy friends. When we're hanging out just the two of us or with his roommates, we cuddle and whatnot.
It's a weird relationship because it holds so many dynamics, and there are obviously some parts of the line between being a friends and being more than friends that are okay to cross. When I asked my friend what would constitute crossing the friend line, she told me straight out, "Sex." Well... oops.
I guess my question is, what are acceptable things to do in a FWB relationship? Is it okay to ask him to go on dates? I feel like I'm afraid he'll think I want more and that it will push him away, but at the same time, we've gone out together before. How do I avoid crossing that line? Have I already done that? Have you ever been in this situation before?
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- From: materialactress@xanga
- About Me: I'm just a tacky college student. I'm studying HDFS in order to be a relationships counselor, although my relationships could always use a little work. I'm obsessed wtih Star Wars and koala bears, and I'm very tall but, no, I do not play basketball or volleyball.
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Comments (18)
If you're getting yourself into a FWB situation, I'd suggest it's something you discuss instead of ending up in one through a misunderstanding, because you're the one who'd get hurt in that situation. As cliche as it sounds, ask him what you mean to him or something along that line. Good luck.
Ask him what he'd like. Maybe try an open relationship.
Rough situation but i can easily see how people can fall into this, just like be straight up with him and ask! Are we together together? Or not?
I've been in that situation before. it's so confusing and at the same time you don't know HOW it got to that point? i been friends with my close guy friend years..... before something happen one day after a drunken night. And we act normal when we are with our mutual friends but continued to be FWB for a year. I think we both know there's nothing can ever be more between us and we strictly know it's just to cure the itch of being single. but yea it curious to find out what the other one thinks? so maybe it's better talking about it between the two but that's easier said than done. =/
Don't sweat the labels, but make sure you stay aware of any changing feelings. Feelings and people switch around long before/after the labels do. Communication's great, too!
As for dates and the like, why not? If you can both stay comfortable with each other, I think that's something very valuable.
The difference between FWB and "a relationship" is whether or not you're exclusive. You guys are FWB, not friends. You can tell people you're friends if you're not comfortable with them knowing you're FWB.
You guys can do whatever you want, like going out to dinner, movies etc, but be wary of the fact that the more time you spend you spend with him, you might bond with him. Or maybe you won't, it depends on the person.
Good luck!
I'm kind of in this situation now but my case is a lot more complicated....if you like him, ask him how he feels. I'm pretty sure he will answer you honestly.
I think friends with benefits going on one-on-one dates doesn't sound like fwb because you're friends, have sex and go on dates, so it sounds like a relationship just without the gf/bf title and without the title, then there is no breakup and fear of getting hurt as badly as when you're in a serious relationship. I haven't been in this situation. I like being treated like a princess so I don't think a fwb would treat me that way.
@SharonJo@xanga - Agreed.
As long as your not feeling that you have to be with him all the time or that you don't mind seeing him hang out with other people I think you haven't crossed the line yet. And if you wanna go on a date or something just ask. Just say, "hey you wanna just go out for a night and have fun?" or something along those lines I suppose.
Talk, talk, talk!
If you want to know where the line is, ask.
If you want to know what he's looking for, ask.
If you want to know how he feels, ask.
You should also be talking to him about what you want, where your lines are, and how you feel.
If you two have not drawn any lines, then neither of you can cross any of them.
I totally agree with what SharonJo@xanga said. Talk about feelings, not so much about labels.
Ugh. I'm in the exact same position as you are >.<
I think the best thing you can do is talk to him about it.
Know where you stand and what you guys want.
Good luck~ =)
Well i think the first thing you should do -- is figure out exactly what you want out of this guy. You definitely do sound caught in the 'grey lines' area. You mentioned that you dont think either of you is looking for anything serious, but towards the end, you also said that you dont want to push him away. That leads me to believe that you dont want to push away a good fwb, a good friend, or a person that you might actually want something serious out of. So, under the assumption that you dont, then i would suggest that you figure out exactly what you want out of this relationship. Once you do, or if you do now know, then pursue in a likely manner.
Other than that, I think you're kind of allowed to do whatever you want. I'm sure we've all been out on 'friend dates' many times. So I dont think he'd be too put off by having you ask him to go do whatever. Whats the worst that can happen... he say no? Or maybe ask you if anyone else coming -- which can horribly put you on the spot -- If he does, just tell him you hadn't invited anyone yet, but you could if he'd like you to. It leaves you open to whatever.
And as for the idea of you having possibly crossing the line? Well I think that one is your call. You're the one in the relationship, and you're the one that has to deal with the repercussions of your actions either good or bad. I don't think sex in a fwb is necessarially so bad.. i mean, lets be honest, making out and fooling around only says just that for so long.... especially if you're enjoying yourself. So I think sex is almost inevitable in a fwb... so whatever...
navear thes anyi taeym
I've been in this situation before, and I'm sort of in it now. The first guy was all about "not dating" -- just meeting up one on one in a private space. We talked everyday on aim or on the phone, and I think because we were getting so emotionally involved in each other's lives, I fell for him -- really really hard. After I admitted my feelings for him, and he said he wasn't interested, I stopped the fwb relationship (or whatever it was).
Now, I've been hanging out with this one guy on and off. We talk every couple of months and now it's been once a week or once every other week. He took me out on a so-called date -- he paid for everything (I drove), and then we hooked up. Then we didn't talk for a week or two (because I'm not infatuated with him), and he asked if we could do that again. When I told him about my past experience, he said that if I fall for him, we could consider dating. If I don't, we can just continue the way we are. He was really cool about it and I think that's the best way to handle a FWB relationship, from a girl's perspective. It should be someone who respects you enough to hang out with you outside of bed. He doesn't have to pay for you, but he should respect your feelings. It should be an *equal* give and take (physically speaking, ahem). My past guy used to moan about how unhappy he was being single, even after I had just been intimate with him. Imagine how empty I felt inside after we hooked up and he would tell me "I just want to be happy." (I kept thinking, "Don't I make you happy?")In the end, many guys choose this because they are cowards and don't want to face rejection, or they don't think you're hot enough (sadly) for a gf and would do you but not introduce you to the world as their gf. If you're old enough to do this (I'd say early 20s is best), then do it. But if not, go for a real relationship instead. Trust me, they're much better than this FWB confusion.
i was in the SAME predicament when my boyfriend and I started dating....it had happened over the summer too which kinda led me to believe it was more just a FWB type of deal. But we started hanging out more after the summer, like his place & going out...but it still felt kinda like a friendly relationship, we weren't too serious with each other & goofed around more than anything...but about 9 months into seeing each other, even my friends were frustrated b/c they werent sure to call him my boyfriend or w/e in fear he'd get the wrong idea...
but out of nowhere one night he was in a conversation and when referring to me, to his friend, he called me his g/f and then i knew.
IDK, ur relationship with this guy sounded like mine, we had a good time together & it was just really fun, i couldnt tell if it was getting serious or not.
its up to you though, if you absolutely want to know i say go for it and ask...worst case scenario--he freaks out & goes away, but at least you'll know & wont be wasting your time.'
or he freaks out, leaves, then realizes that yeah maybe i do like her for more than a FWB
kinda deal....
and even better...he might be relieved to know that you feel that way about him b.c he felt the same way & just didnt know how to go about letting you know.
in the end its better to know.
Pull a Justin Bieber. "Are we an item??"
Just kidding. Make dates happen, but don't call them dates, if that makes sense. Be all like, "oh, look, I just happened upon two tickets to the (insert your favorite sport) game here. I'm dragging you with me." That way, there's no pressure, and then whatever happens, happens. But if you want more out of this than what you have, you very well might have to pull a Bieber with it.
@Wait_by_Moonlight@xanga - bwahaha this is so funny...
I clicked on this hoping it would go the other way haha. hope you atleast get what you want out of it.