Friday, 07 May 2010
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The Importance of "Closure"
Alright, let's face it- break-ups are messy. Admittedly, some people have a knack for making them even messier than necessary, but there is really no easy way through it. Many of my friends agree that the best kind of break-ups are the ones where the breaking happens and both parties move on separately with no intention of keeping in touch. Sure, it's a little less messy, but it can also be extraordinarily painful.
Personally, I want to ask all my questions and expect a boy to answer them. And when I break up with someone I want to offer them the same type of "closure". For me, if things are left unresolved then I will beat myself up thinking, "Was I not pretty/skinny/smart/mature/caring enough?" or worse yet, I will just cry and cry thinking of how things COULD have been and how much I miss them. Also, I don't want to put someone else through that (even though we all know boys handle things differently).
So, yea, for me I want to know...why is it ending? what changed? is there someone else? will we still talk? when people ask about me will you still say good things? ...sure, it's maybe a little overkill, but that's what I NEED to heal and move on.
Obviously, other people handle things differently, but I have a friend who is STILL tortured by a lack of closure in a break-up that occurred almost two years ago (basically, she said it was over and never spoke to him again)!!!
So tell me, which do you prefer- to have your questions answered in attempt to gain closure or to shut the book all together and begin the healing/moving on process? Do you offer the other person closure if you do the breaking? Have you ever suffered over a lack of closure in a break-up? Tell me your stories! :)
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- From: wonderchica22@xanga
- Name: Mikella
- About Me: A happy college student. :)
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Comments (52)
To be honest; I don't know what I want at the end.. it would depend whether I still loved them or not, and how we had broke up.
Closure definitely does matter, it can mess you up on the next relationship and mess with your head.
I would prefer a closure. It does help you to move on with your life.
I would for sure prefer closure, I want to know what went wrong so in my next relationship I can make sure the same mistake doesn't happen and when I break up with someone I give them as much closure as to why things between me and them didn't work out so they don't go on wondering what happened. I have been dumped with no closure as to why. My last relationship ended that way. everything was perfect and then it just ended, no reason, no argument, he just ended it. It took a lot longer for me to get over it because I never had the closure I needed to know what I did wrong, or if it was even me who did something, or if it was something going on in his life.
In my case, I would want to say what I've always wanted to say.
I was broken up with at the beginning of sophomore year, and I didnt fully get over it until we talked again in the middle of senior year. Those whole two years I was pining after her as if she were some goddess[me & her werent talking AT ALL] I needed the closure she didnt provide at the beginning.
i'm a closure person, i would like to get it to move on. i had two relationships that when i got the closure and my questions asked, it was so easy for me to walkaway and breathe. i don't know if closure is for everyone but for me, i needed it to move on.
I get stuck on things forever. I've actually been thinking about this a lot recently.
In short, I do need closure. I need to say everything I want to say and hear all of the answers I want to hear.
I offer closure when I breakup. I still suffered after he offered closure because I didn't want to hear that he has given up on me since I still have feelings for him.
I would want closure. I never did the breaking up, but if I did, which I probably never would, I would offer closure. I'm an open and honest person so it's my nature to tell people things.
Closure? Do you ever get it even if they tell you what you ask? I mean I would like closure too, but even when you get the answers to me it's still not ending the chapter in my eyes. But I guess that's just how I think, Closure is necessary but how much of it do you really get if you didn't want the relationship to end? In my eyes it just makes you question one thing to another. I'd rather just be done with it as soon as the curtains close.
as samantha says on Sex & The City, "there's always a contest with an Ex. It's called 'Who's Gonna Die Miserable?'" i get closure by moving the eff on and realizing that i'm not gonna die miserable.
really needs closure..coz im my case, for the past relationships i've been to...i haven't met the closure.
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Closure is huge. I had a really awful break-up about 5 years ago, and it wasn't until 2 months ago that I actually finally got a sense of closure. I'd dream about him, think about him, etc., but I had no clue what had happened to him (no contact info whatsoever). It wasn't until about 2 months ago when he looked me up on facebook that we were finally able to get a measure of closure. So yeah, I can definitely attest to the importance of feeling a sense of closure with things.
its important to get closure so the moving on will begin but if that didnt happen i wouldnt think twice or much of it, like what did i do wrong, was it me or her, i would just move on to others without anything on my mind, yeah right! of course i may be a mess a lil, u know, have doubts of my capabilities "but not in bed", just in general like um was i suppose to tell her we were breaking up, lately what's up with her make up, damn! did the girl just fart in front of me, okay dat was off point but i think i would have some doubts even if she says it wasn't me its her, well come on who doesnt say dat these days!
I'm the kind of person who craves closure but then when I find out why I was broken up with, I almost wish I didn't know. I want the closure but I'm afraid of it. My last relationship ended very messily because he refused to give me closure and I kept pushing. I never got a straight answer out of him, but I guess my closure came when he apologized to me for every he had done to hurt me. Before that, it had been so hard to move on. It still is now but knowing that we are officially over helps.
I like closure because I can know what to avoid next time. In my last relationship I wanted to know what happened and when he started changing his mind... In some ways it was bad I asked that because I do get a little paranoid if I see my bf acting a little weird ("Is HE thinking of breaking up with me because he's acting like this?) , but I realize they are different people. Like my ex said he wanted space and I didn't give it to him... well, now I know if my current bf is acting a little distant to give him space... if he's busy with school work, don't get upset at him and assume the worst. I learned from the ending of my last relationship. Unfortunately, I don't know that it helped me get over it any quicker, since he kept initiating things after it was over by saying how he still felt...
Another relationship the guy was leaving the country for work, and I knew this, and didn't plan on maintaining our relationship, but he just stopped talking to me. It was awful and took me until I finally talked to him again to get over it... I had no idea what he was thinking, what happened, etc. So I would say closure is for the best.
closure, but if the person is too much of a coward to give you respect and be honest and offer the truth, then f-ck them!
First, it seems this post was made from the point of view of someone who was the dumpee instead of the dumper. Which makes it a little complicated when taking it from that perspective.
I don't get dumped. It just doesn't happen. I refuse to be cut off like that. Although, I know it can't be completely avoided.
But, were I to be dumped, I wouldn't look back. Personally for me there will be no 'let's be friends' or 'let's try again'. It doesn't happen. And to hell with what they thought of me and why they dumped me: who cares? And so what if they downgrade me around others when my name comes up? Again, who cares?
In my opinion, if someone is that hung up over what their ex thinks or feels about them prior to and after dumping them, then they should probably work on their self esteem and confidence before entering another relationship.
You need to go into a relationship knowing that they aren't there to build you up. If someone needs a relationship with another to feel like they can stand on their own two feet, then something is severely wrong.
Closure is important. That way you understand why the relationship didn't work. If it's 1 party or both parties made mistakes, it's easier to move on that way and if, or whoever made a mistake, they can be fixed before, or during, new relationships.
I'd say closure was important if I expected people to be honest when they broke up with someone.
Since I do not feel that way, I can't say closure is all that great.
Closure. Definitely owe it to both parties to know the truth, especially since each person was so important to the other before a break up had to happen.
It helps you learn and realize. Heh.I prefer closure, but my last breakup was sudden and few questions were answered.
I REALLY needed closure, but we broke up about three days before I left for Basic Training for the Army, and once I was there, all of a sudden I didn't give a crap about him. He wasn't even on my list of priorities, let alone at the top.
When I did get the chance to talk to him, I realized how much of liar he really had been, and I just stopped talking to him altogether. I didn't make a big deal about it (it's not like we argued or anything), I just stopped being his friend, because I saw that I didn't care about him anymore. At all.
So sometimes a distraction can make you realize closure isn't as important as you think, even if it's preferred, because all it really is one last reason to speak to them before it's over.
I tried to get closure, but his answers just weren't satisfying whatsoever. He told me we just didn't work after 3 years of a relationship and saying that he was sure we worked a mere 2 months earlier. It's not the first time he's changed his mind about us so getting closure is nearly impossible after all the encouraging promises he made along the last 8 months.
I give up on closure. I just want him to just admit he's wrong basically because that's the only thing that could really make sense and make me feel any better. Ha, too bad that would never happen...
That would mean that we should have stayed together and he'll never want to admit that.