I am still in high school, and I have been dating my SO for a while now. I broke up with him before, and the reason was because I had troubles trusting him. Let me give some background information first.....
Before I started dating him, he was the perverted kind of guy. He would look at girls (with who knows what kind of thoughts in his head), make some jokingly comments, and.... look things "up" on the internet. However, I also knew his "other side". He has been in past relationships before, and took them quite seriously. He is actually emotional and caring. I confessed my feelings for him, and afterward, he and I were overjoyed. Everything in life was so much happier. I was falling in love, and so was he. During this time I didn't think of his old hobbies because I was so happy, but soon....a thought that was buried deep inside of me, began to devour me.
There were times when he would point out girls and make remarks like, "Oh, she's so hot" and "She's cute" in front of me. He was only joking to get me jealous on purpose, because he thought it was cute to see my "jealousy" face. This however, hurt me a lot. Only because I viewed him as a person who was still quite lustful. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I'm fine if he thinks a girl is pretty or something...it's just that I'm afraid of what else he is thinking. I was scared and afraid that he thought of women sexually and as objects to look at. I was at fault for never really confronting him (Sure, I got mad when he said those things...but he thought it was my "jealousy face"), but I never wanted to put myself under the category of the "very jealousy types" (Which is probably a bad excuse).
Soon, these thoughts took a hold of me and I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so hurt, and confronted him about it. I asked him if he ever thought of a woman sexually, or if he has had thoughts of other woman. .....He answered "Yes" and saw how hurt I was (We were webcamming). I'm sure he felt guilty too, since he was crying as much as me. The next day I broke up with him, which was a very hurtful thing for me to do. He told me that he still loved me, and apologized. He told me that the most he has ever done was think "Oh she's hot...but I'd rather be with my SO instead". He agreed to do anything I wanted to make me happy. At this moment, my feelings were empty. After a couple of days, I still wanted to be with him. I wanted to give him a second chance, which is what I did. He promised to change for me, which is what he is trying to do.
I'm trying to slowly trust him again, but it's really hard. One of my major issues with men is lust and trust. I'm always afraid that men will take anyone to relieve their sexual desires, which leads me to have a hard time trusting. I want to trust my SO though... but every time I look at a pretty/hot/cute girl, I think "Oh, I bet my SO would have thoughts of her" or "She's so pretty... I bet my SO would look at her". Every time he talks to a girl I get extremely jealous now. I'm always afraid he's thinking of another girl, or is going to cheat on me. I'm scared that I'm becoming crazy. I've talked to my SO about it before...but...I just end up hurting him. He gets sad when I tell him that it's hard for me to trust him. Even when he tells me that I'm pretty, or that he misses me, I think that he's just saying it without meaning it. Sometimes, I think I'm not worth enough for him.
How do I get rid of this Pretty Girl phobia? How do I learn to trust my SO, who I love so much? How can I solve this without hurting my SO?
P.S. - Even though this is just high school, I want to learn how to overcome this fear for the future. Even though this love might not last forever, I want to be happy with my SO while I can.
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Comments (86)
He doesn't deserve you. Do what this girl did: http://inthepicture10.xanga.com/726577939/her-saddle/
i have that and i'm a guy
pretty girls scare me ._.
Well it was insensitive of him to say those things, and THAT was wrong, but it sounds like he didn't realize just how much it was hurting you. I'll tell you what someone told me when I was feeling a little jealous of a cute girl who I know gets to see my bf pretty regularly. He said that of course if there are cute girls he's going to look - it's human nature. BUT, he is choosing to be with you. Has he ever cheated? It's one thing for a guy to look at girls and think they're hot, but it's another for him to actually do anything about it. Maybe now he will be more sensitive to your feelings, and it sounds like that is where he needs to work. I am pretty sure EVERY guy looks at attractive girls and might think of them sexually... but the difference between animals and humans is that humans control their urges, and as long as he's doing that, you should try not to worry :) Also, asking a guy if he has thought of a girl sexually kind of puts him in a bad place..
On another note - I really hope he stops saying those things to you now that he knows it's hurting you. Thinking that a girl is hot is one thing, but saying it in front of you just to make you jealous is pretty inconsiderate. That's not taking your feelings into account at all, and if he continues THAT then that's grounds to breakup.
if he is a so-so guy in every other way, and u hav already given a period of time to trust him n can't then dump him.
if he is not a very good guy in every other way.. well.. of course.. dump him.
@inthepicture10@xanga - Errr. What in the world was that.
The fact that he was trying to make you jealous is not okay. But what's also not okay is that you're not comfortable with him even looking at other girls. Has he cheated on you? Has he physically touched another girl? If not, then you need to calm down and relax. Everyone - both men and women - look at other attractive people when they're in a relationship. The difference is that when you're with someone, you choose not to act on it. You can't control him mentally, and if that's what you want in a relationship, I'd suggest you look elsewhere.
I'm afraid of pretty girls too...they intimidate me...
That would piss me off too.. some of my girlfriends hurt their SO's back by saying "oh he's hot" but I personally like to be the bigger person and just brush it off. Yea it would make me angry and jealous too, but I'm the type of girl who doesnt like to fight over little things. I really dont like arguments!
@thesouverian@xanga - It was an ideal world.
i see guys all the time who i find incredibly attractive, and occasionally imagine what it would be like to have sex with them. does that mean i'm goin to? does that mean i don't love my boyfriend? uh...no. it means i'm a human with a sex drive and a pair of eyes.
the fact that he tried to make you jealous was a bitch move, but if you can't deal with the fact that your boyfreind has, well, a brain and a pair of working eyes, you need to get some help.
You can't expect anyone else in the world not to have "thoughts," male or female. In fact, limiting them is only going to make them fester more intensely.
It doesn't sound like this guy is being unfaithful. He shouldn't try to make you jealous on purpose, and I don't think your emotional response is unnatural or immature, but as far as practice goes, I think you both have a lot of growing up to do.
yeah I think any guy/ girl would be hurt if their so was saying another guy/girl was hot or cute...and if they do it consistently /: ..but it seems like you have a really low self esteem.. which makes you can't trust him in a way.. if you get what I'm saying.. cause I used to have that problem too with my EX.. cause he was so friendly to all these pretty girls..and I have a low self esteem and it made me can't trust him whatever he did with ANY girl especially pretty ones i'd get really paranoid..
I think you need to be reassured more by your so..
but don't force yourself to be OKAY and not be jealous.. just be natural whatever you feel is what you feel right.. even though you don't want to be jealous but you can't help it.
If things work out then it does.
if things don't work out then it doesn't.
but in the end, you'll learn and you'll definately be a better person and start changing in your own ways (:
@aznanimedude@xanga - Lol, why do pretty girls scare you?
Yeah its kind of a dick move what he did, but you sound really insecure in your relationship with him, which means maybe you shouldn't be in one at this time and place in your life. There will always be people both of you find attractive, maybe you don't have to say it but its always going to be there.
@dynamicstars@xanga - agreed.
xD
you should be jealous. you should have that right. you're not going crazy saying he can't hang out with girls, you just don't want him looking at other girls in that way.
you'll find someone who cares enough about your feelings not to do things like that. not even just because he cares about your feelings, but also because he wants you enough and so much that he doesn't even think of those others girls in that way.
guys like that do exist. you'll find him later. i don't think that there's anything wrong with this type of jealousy.
.. am i the only one that really thinks its NOT such a big deal? my bf probably thinks other girls are cute or pretty or has random sexual thoughts about them (he's a guy, and a human being_, but i know he would never act on them, he truly loves me above anyone else.
you never even fleetingly think anyone on the planet is remotely attractive besides your bf?
how about johnny depp? think fast!
i mean i understand its hard to "control" those initial feelings, i battle them myself as well sometimes. but i don't think its anything to cry for days over?
@dynamicstars@xanga - oh i didn't read yours. ... yeah, what you said.
Great post! I'm pretty sure all girls deal with that, but let me tell you something...it happens. It's a guy thing. The fact that he is even willing to point out girls he finds attractive to you, is, in my opinion, a gesture about how strong your relationship is. He feels comfortable enough around you to tell you these things.
I'm 21. My boyfriend is 25. While he is (usually) not obnoxiously obvious about checking a girl out, if a girl is good-looking enough, he will point her out to me. Our tastes are quite different, but I enjoy seeing what he finds attractive. If their characteristics resemble mine, so much the better. But if they don't...hey, that's ok too. Men are just wired a little differently than women, that's all, but most women still even notice attractive men. I've found that now I enjoy pointing out attractive men to my SO as well.
Jealousy is a terribly ugly thing, and the only thing you can do is work on yourself. He's not cheating on you, and you will push him away if you let something like this effect you so badly. Trust him, and learn to push those bad thoughts away.
my platonic male friends say more crude and pornographic things than that and I think your bf might be saying those comments about attractive girl with his friends, so it might've been a perverted habit that he developed. he wasn't defensive and was honest with you when you confronted him and wanted to change, so I think he does care and by his guilty reaction, I think there is hope. however, he caused a big impact when he made those insensitive compliments to see your jealousy face at your emotional expense, and saw it as a cute joke when it is not, so it affected you a lot. I wouldn't view his compliments as sincere after that either so I understand how you feel. I'm quite immature so if I was in that situation, I'd doll myself up and try to look prettier than those girls, so then my bf would be focused on me and it would also get other guys' attention too, then I wouldn't be as bothered because I think I look prettier. otherwise, I don't know.
I'm sure every guy looks at girls and maybe even has sexual thoughts about them, because like everyone says, they're only human, but it still bothers me to the core. I hate to think that my boyfriend finds some other chick sexually attractive. It hurts. Thankfully, he has NEVER, not even ONCE, mentioned to me how he thought another girl was hot, ever (not even actresses on TV). I am a VERY jealous person, and so is he, and so we do each other a favor and keep our thoughts to ourselves. He even told me that he can't watch porn because he feels guilty looking at other girls. I was completely convinced that he was full of it, but I told him it wouldn't bother me if he watched it, and he said, "Well, that doesn't change the fact that I don't watch it." I'm so lucky. :)
@KantEVengetusetothIs - xD, they just do, i am quite intimidated by pretty girls
@HollowTendencies@xanga - D: I'm so jealous
ALL men look..it's the nature of the beast.. You can never ask that he won't look.. He would just have to lie to you if you asked him again if he looked.
The most important thing? Does he like hanging around with you? Does he treat you with respect? If you are "together" does he date only you..
Jealousy is a mask for insecurity and it can drive a wedge between two people faster than a bullet. Re-think how you are approaching any relationship.. Figure out what you want from it..
But, all heterosexual males will look at other females..whether they are married, together or dating someone else
Don't be so blasted hard on him!! Or, you will drive him away and make yourself crazy.
You are just learning about love.. We all started where you are. Give yourself a break and learn from this..and move on.
Christy
@KantEVengetusetothIs - Well it just goes to show you that there are some guys out there that don't look at every pretty girl that crosses their path, they're just few and far between. But you'll find one. :) And you'll live happily ever after. You just have to be patient. No one should ever have to settle for someone who makes them feel bad.