Wednesday, 05 May 2010
-
Not Over His Ex
So I've run into a bit of a buckle. I've been with this guy for three months now and so far, I thought it was perfect. Up until a couple days ago, at least.My problem is his ex. Now, I know what you may be thinking, "oh, well that's common...most girlfriends will hate their bf's exs". Not my case. Rather, since I have such a LOW self esteem, it's quite the opposite. Although I've heard that she's a manipulative b****, my bf and her have dated for five years. Something must have been great about her, right? So anyway, back to my problem...
A couple days ago, my bf fell asleep on my lap and his phone rang. Not wanting to wake him, I quietly grabbed his phone to see that his suitemate had called, so I woke him so that he could call him back. He fumbled a little with the phone and since he was laying on my lap, I could see everything on his phone.
Accidentally (it seemed), he went to his text messages and I saw that there was a text from his ex. Uh oh. Well, I didn't fret about it, but I was a little nervous because he told me that he doesn't talk to her anymore. A weird series of events happened afterward, as my bf started acting funny. But again, I disregarded it.
Two days ago, her name popped up again on his email and his aim. Now, I didn't purposely see this. He opens random stuff on his computer and I am usually with him and her name caught my eye. Anyway, I'm completely distraught.
Fast forward. He gives me his wallet because I need to use his ID later. I admit at this point, I snooped. Looking into his wallet, I find a folded note. At first I thought it was just some formula he had written for later, but yet again, her name caught my eye.
The note basically said that he knew his mistake in letting her go. That he loves her. And at the end of the note he wrote: (my bf's name) your love.
I'm broken, and confused. I know that it wasn't right of me to snoop, but my curiosity got the better of me and now I don't know what to do. The thing is, I knew he wasn't completely over his ex. I didn't know it was that bad though. I also feel betrayed that he tried to hide this from me, when I've given him my trust.
When I told this situation to three of my friends, all of them gave separate options:
1) Talk to him.
2) You knew he wasn't over her, so just ignore it and give him time.
3) Dump him.What would you do in my situation? Have you ever felt betrayed by your SO? Did you ever have problems like this?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: terra_goddess@xanga
- Name: terra_goddess
- About Me: Confusion is my specialty.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 8 Views: 0 24632 Comments: 0 384 View all posts by terra_goddess@xanga
Comments (121)
Dump him.
This is a tough one, but their relationship must have ended for a reason.
Don't ignore it.. But dumping him probably isn't the best thing to do, if you were going to do that then you would have to talk to him about his ex anyway.. So maybe talk to him?.. With the knowledge that he might react badly and things might end...
At the end of the day, if you're not happy with how he feels about his ex, do something about it. Put yourself first.
I just hate exes.... thats why its called EX in the first place..
DUMP him.
Dump him
Guys are not always direct with our feelings. Talk with him. Ask what is wrong, but don't lash out. See if you can fix it. Don't do what other people tell you.
Dump him, before he dumps you (which he's going to, clearly after reading that note.)
... dump him.
I wouldn't dump him right away. I would at least talk to him about it all and see what he says.
hmmm 5 years? how long ago was this? maybe he needs more time to get over her... i think you guys need time apart...but you need to talk to him about how you feel and what's really goin on before making a decision.
I hate exes. but i agree with belladonnabutterflies@xanga , dumping him is not the best choice so maybe talk to him. I have been into a very similar situation before and it took like almost a year to overcome all these stuffs. It's hard but you can do it. :)
it's not fair to you. i'd let him go.
Talk to him. I agree with belladonnabutterflies- if you have the 'break-up' talk, you'll have to talk about it anyway. To which, if he really cares about you, he'll at least explain why. Naturally, you do not have to believe him. But if you go in to the....argument/discussion/etc thinking you have to break up, won't you feel a little pressure to actually break up even if you don't want to in the end (if he can provide some HELLA good explanation for his actions)?
However, you do no need to stay with him either. This could be a sign he'll be emotionally troubled and thinking about other women. If your self esteem is as low as you say it is, do you think you can handle that?
the first option that I picked was dump him but I'm also curious to hear if he'll honestly confess that he still has feelings for his ex when he dumps you instead of you initiating it or will he give some fake excuse that he wants space to find himself and does not want to be in a relationship right now, then he quickly contradicts his words and gets back with his ex. if you dump him, then you might confront him and he finds out that you've been snooping so you've breached the privacy trust although not always on purpose and he was sneaking around and betrayed your trust as well only more extreme. I'd just want to hear him come clean with his feelings without me prying it out of him, and does he open up on his own because he has a guilty conscience or will he continue to be deceptive about his feelings for his ex. if he continues to hide or deny it and not communicate the truth, then I don't think I'd be with a dishonest person, who is continuously hurting me.
Dump him. Now.
That's what I should have done when I found myself in a similar position two years ago.
My boyfriend of over four years has only now started to get over his high school sweetheart who he dated over a decade ago. She did something horrible to him and gradually changed into a completely different person, but he was so passionately in love with her that he didn't know how to deal with the betrayal. He had nightmares about her a lot, and I helped him whenever I could. He felt really bad about it because he didn't want to hurt me, but it's important to understand that our SOs are people, too. We all struggle with past demons and need a shoulder to lean on. Don't ignore the problem and assume it'll magically disappear; love is strange and lingering. Be an active, caring participant in your relationship.
If your boyfriend is very important to you and you want your relationship to work out, talk to him about it. Have him explain the situation, and if it isn't something you can both live with and work past together, then you're justified to leave.
Drop him- he needs to grow a sack.
3 months? dump him
if you think the relationship is worth it, talk to him first. all those signs must be hard to bear, especially the letter, but maybe there's still something he's not telling you. you deserve the right to know what's up, if you so choose to know. and if what he says doesn't float with you/he's not willing to drop her, dump him. don't be with someone who won't make you the one and only.
good luck with whatever you choose to do!
That actually happened to me once. I "fumbled" into an email that my ex and his ex wrote to each other. It was something along the lines of "I miss you a lot. I'm with someone now, but I miss you. Blah blah" the point is, the email really lead me to believe that he was still into her, even though she had a boyfriend at the time. It really hurt because the letter was written while we were dating. Although we were in our beginning stages it really messed with my insecurity and trust for him. Long story short, we eventually broke up because I never got over it. So if you really care for him, talk about it with him and get the truth. But if he is remotely interested in his ex still, then fuck it. Move on. Mr right is out there somewhere, even if its not him. =)
dump him. why waste your time on someone that's not putting the same amount of effort as you. you deserve way better than that! good luck <3
Uh from a guy who was with a girl for 5 years, and then single for 2...I'm still struggling with getting over my ex. I know I'm not really in the position to be in a relationship though so I try to keep girls at a distance. Your guy might not realize what he's doing though, so you should just talk to him about it. If he stays in denial, gets overly upset at you for snooping, and doesn't want to listen to reason you should just leave him...he still needs time to figure himself out first.
let him go.
something tells me he's too afraid to let YOU go first for fear of hurting you, he's never going to find the right time to do it so you should do him the favour and break it off.
Confront him about it!!!!!! Don't sit by and let this happen. And... don't be like me and not talk to him. I've been doing that for so long and I'm regretting it. He would NEVER cheat but i hate that I feel that he's still in love with one of his ex's that i absolutely HATE. And believe me when I say I HATE her... I won't go into details.
But you need to talk to him.
I would talk to him about it...the best thing in a relationship is honesty even if its not pretty, if you are meant to be together you can work through it!
Similar thing happened to me. My ex liked both me and this other girl. In the end he chose to date me, but later i found out he still liked the girl and started seeing her without telling me. I immediately dumped him when I found out. A boyfriend should be devoted to one girl, not two. In short, dump him.