In
my first post, I wrote on how dating for our generation of twenty-somethings seems to be obsolete.
I was pleased and surprised with both the overwhelming amount of support and dissidence I received, but one comment caught my eye in particular. heyheyitsdante wrote:
"I don't know how to sweet talk them and bullshit them like all the player guys I know do, and I can't get them to go on dates with me either, because they think I'm creeping for asking them to hang out later, saying 'that would be weird, I don't really know you.'Ummm hello? That's the whole point... Very frustrating."Yes! Exactly! It is very frustrating.
Girls (and guys, for that matter), how many of us have been asked out by that one person that we're just not that interested in? Maybe it's not even on a date, maybe it's to hang out after school, to dance at junior prom, or just to come watch a movie. My point is, many of us have been there.
And because said asker is not the A-list dream boat we've been lusting after since the fifth grade, what's our reaction?
Say no. Feel embarrassed. Be creeped out. Tell our friends how creeped out we are. Shrug that person off and feel awkward.
But really, why is this? What's the harm of one movie, one dance, or a cup of coffee? Look, I've been there, you've been there, chances are, we've all been there. But let's think about this for a second. This person isn't some 45 year old guy coming up behind you and trying to get his grind on at some night club. He (or she) just wants to get to know you! Maybe it's time we reevaluate what we think our standards are. No, I don't mean lowering them -- just reevaluating. After all, this person isn't asking for a lifetime commitment ... just a cup of coffee.
So what do you think? Take a risk and accept the date, or turn the asker down without a second thought?
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Comments (38)
A difference of expectations, I suppose... To the person being asked, (if they do even happen to say 'yes') it is "just a cup of coffee" (or whatever else), while the asker is far more into the person and might be looking for a lot more out of it. Then, it's quite difficult to have to convey to them (once you realize that your initial reaction of being slightly uncomfortable was sensible) that you're not really into them.
Of course, maybe the person will prove you wrong... but, from my experience (the times I've said 'yes' even though I didn't feel totally comfortable doing so and/or the person wasn't what I've been "lusting after since the fifth grade"), it's highly unlikely.
dating is dead, people go from like to in a relationship way too fast. but im guilty of being creeped out, but i do give them that one chance and my mind never changes becasue something super awkward always happens, ALWAYS.
he asked the girl because most likely he found her to be attractive, so I would also have to find him attractive, doesn't have to look like a model, but at least cute, for me to agree to hang out. hanging out after school is alright with me and I'd watch a movie with the guy, but going to a junior prom dance is more for someone that I can picture myself being affectionate with when we dance because I don't want to feel uncomfortable most of the time there. however, I did give a guy that I barely knew from school a chance and went with him to a dance and he made some moves on me, which I didn't mind because I enjoyed the way he adored me, but unfortunately, I didn't feel any sparks.
normally we reject them because we expect that they want something more. and if they are interested in getting intimate with us, isn't it better to let them down now then when they're leaning in for a kiss? i'd rather be straight up with someone than lead them on.
I've noticed that trend too in younger also many beautiful young women who say they want a significant other but refuse dates all the time or aren't even asked anymore. And they wonder why they're alone on Saturday nights! Sheesh!
@herecomesthemoon@xanga - Well said.
@diannisforever@xanga - LOL, something awkward always happens to me too...!
Anyways, I've tried to be nice many times and go simply just for that "cup of coffee" they seem to complicate things much more and a week after insist that I am not like any other girl they've ever met before... somehow they fall "in love". No... these days there's certain limits.
i really like this post.
definitely, give 'em a chance.
(however, if you really really are getting the creeper vibe, you have those feelings for a reason).
It's a shame how it's impossible for some guys/girls to shake off the creeper label from an ignorant or stubborn girl/guy.
@herecomesthemoon@xanga - Sometimes guys just want a new friend too. Might be rare but it's not always just to get into a girls pants.
@thesouverian@xanga - Yeah...
I just get tired of how overly used Creeper is well used nowadays. If you go to a restraunt to eat alone, you're a creeper. If you compliment someone you don't know on something you're a creeper. If you do pretty much anything that the other person doesn't like/expect you become a creeper. Although you could do all the same things, and if that other person thought you were hot it would be sweet or cute rather than creepy. Very annoying.
I doubt I would be creeped out if someone randomly asked me to hang out, but I'd probably turn them down anyway if I didn't know them. My parents always said not to talk to strangers hehe.
I usually do give them a chance. Unless they're obviously just trying to get with me or something, you know. I like making new friends so I'll pretty much hang out with anyone. Within reason of course. No weirdos from online in another city kind of thing! haha.
I always give them a chance, unless of course I'm already dating someone or the person has to be out and out CREEPY, like you get a bad vibe- that sort of thing.
It's up to you. Whether you want to date the person or not is your business, and whether you choose to date them or not is your prerogative. The problem here isn't refusing to date the person; it's unfairly bestowing upon them the label of "creeper". If they ask you out in a non-creepy way, they aren't a creeper (as far as you know)--they are just a person you're not interested in. If you don't want to date them, politely refuse and go on with your day.
Funny thing, that just happened to me hahahaha! But I agree though only up to a certain extent. Sometimes girls do get into defensive mode and also it depends on how they really meet the guy.
Though I do find this quite true for the girls/guys that post on online dating sites, beggars can't be choosers and if you're going to use online dating that means you've pretty much exhausted some of the options on your ends so quite being so picky! =X
That's just my 2 cents.
Take care!~
Hmmm... I agree. People get kinda worked up about this thing. It's not like the dude was asking for a lifetime commitment.
My sister and I have talked about creepers before. Let's think about this scenario.
You're in a coffee shop, you keep catching a total hottie looking at you. You blush and turn to your friend and say "Oooo, that cutie keeps looking at me!" He comes over and asks for your number and you practically pee your pants with excitement.
BUT.... if said guy was a less attractive young man, you'd more likely say "Ewwww, that creeper across the room keeps staring me down." And you'd find every excuse NOT to give him your number.
So, the real difference between a hottie and a creeper is the initial attraction factor. A hot guy looks at you, he's interested (and interesting). An ugly guy stares at you, he's a creep. Shallow much?
I've done it before, and I usually retain my feelings of awkwardness. Never again.
@Masked_Melody@xanga - Completely agree. I don't think its really a matter of a particular behavior, but it is whether or not you are interested that labels a guy a creep versus ....not-a-creep. For instance, sometimes guys who come on too strong in the early stages of a relationship are called creepy. I have done this to men who have approached me or taken me on a first date. However, my current boyfriend came on strong early in the relationship, but because I was very interested in him, I thought it was fantastic! Poor guys. If a guy is having a problem - if he's being called a creep - maybe the issue is he is not reading the signals correctly. Misreading signals and thinking someone is interested when they aren't, and then acting on that misinterpretation is probably likely to put you on the creeper bus.
i usually give them a chance, if i like them then i'll give them another and if not, then i tell them how i feel at the end. i wouldn't want to be led on by guys, so i don't see why i should lead guys on.
As @Masked_Melody@xanga pointed out, everyone's missing a very important/ridiculous connection she made. You automatically associated creepers with someone who you don't find attractive. Isn't it odd that you would never call a hot guy a creeper even if he expressed the same behavior? Hmmm...
This of course leads to a very obvious point: Why go on a date with someone you don't find attractive? Show me someone who, when asked about their SO, says "Meh, s/he's alright looking I guess..." It doesn't happen.
I don't think everyone thinks the person is a creeper. It's just an insult people use.
I used to have a policy to never turn down a first date. It was good in that it helped me get to know the awesome guy I'd eventually marry (yes, I well might have turned him down if not for my policy). However, it also almost landed me a date with a psychopath who, months later, ended up stalking and attempting to rape other girls. Multiple girls. He had given me a very cold, weird feeling when I first talked to him- not "hmm, this is a nerdy socially inept person" but more of an unsafe feeling. I felt like he was emotionless behind that handsome face. But I accepted due to that blasted policy I had for myself. I escaped merely by getting a boyfriend before the day of my date with Mr. Psycho rolled around.
My thoughts on this: Nerdy does not equal "creeper." Geeky, awkward, and marginally attractive do not equal creeper. Not interesting to you but interested in you does not equal creeper- at least not in any sense worth worrying about. The real creepers may be none of these geeky things. Listen to your gut instinct. If you feel merely socially awkward when asked out, it may be a good idea to go out with the person once anyway to get to know them and not be a jerk, but if you feel a deeper discomfort in the pit of your stomach, take it as a warning. Stand them up, do whatever it takes, but don't get involved. If you're just not interested in someone, it's ok to go out with them once to see if you can get interested. (I landed an amazing husband that way.) But if you actually feel a deep-seated, primal wariness about someone, stay away!
Actually I had a thirty something year old coming onto me at a club. :{
Before my boyfriend, my friends used to tell me to be less picky about the guys who would ask me out. So I would go on these days and they would be awkward as hell and they assumed I was as "madly in love" with them as they were with me and would play the "I'm going to commit suicide" card if anything suggested otherwise. Sometimes we turn down "creepers" because we know how it would work out.
Like a loser I was watching Lizzie McGuire on youtube... I miss those shows sadly. Anyway, maybe people should check out the one where lizzie goes on a date with the school nerd. she gave him a chance... and she had fun. She still didn't want it to go further but she realized he was still pretty great. So, who knows, it wouldn't hurt sometimes to try.
As a nerdy, socially inept person who frequently unintentionally gives off the "weirdo" and "creeper" vibes... it would be nice if I could find someone who would actually give me a chance.
I really do just want to get to know someone for the potential of having a new friend. I'll admit that sometimes I feel a bit of attraction to them and might imagine a relationship unfolding, but that's not my primary objective, and I try to stay away from that.
But I really wish that it were socially acceptable to walk up to someone I don't know very well, and ask them on a "kind-of date". There are people that I interact with regularly, who I don't know very well, and would really like to get to know better, because they just SEEM like a really cool person to know... and a coffee date would be an interesting way to break the ice.
Maybe I'm weird.... but this is how I think sometimes... Maybe someday I'll feel confident enough to follow through and not seem like a creeper...
A guy who you're not interested in is a creeper, a guy who you are interested in is making you the luckiest girl in the world. This is true even if the guy hasn't done anything to overstep his bounds. It's true if he sneaks forlorn glances at you, tells you that you're pretty, etc. This reminds me of a (very cynical, admittedly) saying I used to have, "The difference between sexual harassment and a good time is how hot the guy is."
It depends on the guy. In alot of these cases these guys for me are really sensitive and clingy. If I know there is no chance I will be interested in them then I don't lead them on going out somewhere with them. I have no problems hanging out before class, studying together, eating lunch, or something like that but I make it pretty clear by avoiding "movies, dinner, and cafe dates" that there isn't something romantic going on.
I haven't really had a time in my life that I was single and looking for a boyfriend very hard. I wasn't interested in dating till Junior year in highschool, had a boyfriend for a year and a half. Went to a college but transfered very quickly so I didn't want to get involved with anyone, and now at my new college I've been with riley for four months. So yeah. Usually I'm taken or not looking.