Listening to the mind or the heart has always been a tough decision for most, though at least the majority choose to follow the heart. I'd definitely be in that category. Listening to the heart can lead to utmost bliss and everlasting love, but also painful heartbreak and a worrisome life. Why do you think most people are always running to friends, family, and their weblogs for advice or reassurance? Because they listen to their heart. But recently, I started questioning whether or not I should listen to my mind for once. The one that tells you things that aren't out of love or pity, and maybe even things that sound so bossy or arrogant.
I'm in this relationship with this guy. We're obviously really happy to be together, and we always have the best of times together. But, like most couples, we have our arguments and disagreements over the dumbest of problems. I hate to say it, but I'm mainly the one that gets these arguments going. They say that arguing with your SO is healthy for a relationship, but it seems nowhere near healthy for me.
Like with last night. Everything was going fine. But then late at night struck, and I just found myself in a really "depressed" mood. I went on thinking about when he was ever going to tell his parents about our relationship [it's this huge complication that I won't get into. Just note that we're technically an "unofficial" couple until further notice], because we'll be going on three months being together. And I can't tell my parents until he tells his, or you-know-what will hit the fan. It also wasn't a good idea being suckered into going on Skype, either, because that just made me get into an even more "depressed" mood. The end result just ended with me being extremely cranky and acting all sarcastically rude to him.
Before I crawled into bed, I texted him. We got in this sort of text bicker that caused me to cry myself to sleep. I basically told him what was bothering me, and that if he really wants to make this work between us, he'll fight for it. I got this three-text long message back saying how he told me the situation he was in numerous times, and if I'm not willing to wait this out, then maybe I should find someone else, then ending with how he's done talking for the night. Before I burst into tears hugging my pillow, I texted him back anyway apologizing and saying that I seriously do want to be with him and that I'm willing to talk more about this tomorrow.
That's when I was up for a half hour longer thinking of how horrible this was. We've been in situations before where it seemed like we were close to breaking up, but never actually did. But I have gotten frustrated at him many times, and when it was downright serious, which was last month, he told me if I keep treating him that way, then he'll start treating me the same way. Not by taking his frustration out on me for no reason, but by ignoring me and not wanting to be around me for long periods of time.
It's also when I started thinking that maybe I should listen to my mind. My heart was gushing over how badly I want to still be with him, how I should do everything in my willpower to continue making this work. My mind was telling me I don't deserve someone like him, nor does he deserve me, and that I should just end it before it gets any worse. I love him like there's no tomorrow, and I can't see myself ending this. When we started dating, I told him I was willing to wait as long as it takes for us to become an "official" couple, like actually waiting as long as possible to tell our parents about us. And it's not like we're high school students either. We're in college, and we're more responsible and grown-up than ever. If I told him that, why the heck did I go against it last night? When I get in horrible moods like that, I say things that I don't mean. I hate hurting him like this, but I don't want to leave him either because I know I'm willing to fix myself. I just wish he would accept these flaws that I have and understand that I'm not normally like this.
Any idea on what to do? Do you prefer listening to your heart or your mind? If you have listened to your mind before, what was/were the outcome[s]?
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Comments (31)
I listened to my heart despite all the warnings my mind was throwing at me, and, what do you know, it turned out to be a disaster. The heart wants what it wants, but the mind wants what it needs. So now I listen to my mind. The nice thing is my heart and my mind have been agreeing with each other lately.:)
My heart and mind get into fist fights and I just end up confused at the end of it... pretty much all the time. Who knows? Ya know?
I DO in fact know that clarity always fixes everything.
I hate being confused. IF you guys really wanna be serious about each other, make your feelings known to your families. That kinda just helps build a foundation of a relationship... till then y'all are just friends with benefits. That's how I feel about it at least. Stating intentions to your SO's family says just how much they are willing to fight for and want the relationship in the first place. It's common in so many cultures for the man to win over the family before he even TRIES to win over the girl.... call me old fashioned, but I want a man who can man up to my mom and dad before he starts declaring his love for me.
Listen to what your mind says. Your heart can keep you in a bad situation...I know this from my experience with my last ex. I listened to my heart...thinking I loved him and all the suffering he put me through was worth it. WRONG. I stayed in my relationship many months longer than I should have. Just think it out, listen to your mind, and it'll tell you the right answer...even if your heart doesn't like it. hang in there.
You are chemically attached to him. If it's over, you should give yourself some time to reflect to cleanse yourself.
The heart lies LIESSSS. Listen to your freakin BRAIN.
usually when a guy says something threatening such as, "maybe I should find someone else" and abruptly cuts me off by saying that he is done talking, then I tend to take him up on his offer of finding someone else. I let my emotions get the best of me too many times for me to tolerate guys like I did before.
I've been dealing with this one a lot lately. My heart is saying one thing yet my mind is saying "oh my god what are you DOING you're an effin idiot!!!!!!" It's been like that for every situation I've been in though and what a surprise I've been hurt in every single one of them. Oh well maybe one day I'll learn...not likely though.
I usually listen to my mind. This time I listened to my heart.Yes, it was a huge disaster. Red flags are Red flags. Today or two years from now. I do want to throw out there tho that you can trade for someone else. However, it will just be a new set of problems. Good luck. But mind has my vote. Heart is love drunk therefore, can not make a good decision. lol
follow both.
listen to your heart and follow where it leads, but also use your mind to determine if its a good idea or not.
they say that "the heart is the most decietful thing"
so follow your heart, but dont let it deicieve you. use your head to make smart desicions =]
Run. Run for the hills. Run fast and hard, because honey, this isn't going to get any better. I had a similar situation with my ex. Not the 'official' thing, but moreso about how he disliked certain things abuot me and basically manipulated me into changing. He's testing you. He's seeing how far you'll let yourself be pushed around before you stand up for yourself. If you've been dating for three months already and are in college, there's NO reason for him to not tell his parents unless a) he's a commitment phobe and sees this as only a short term relationship, b) he's seeing someone else that his parents DO know about, or c) he's just screwing around with you until he knows he can bend you to what he wants.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I base this on personal experience both first-hand and from the spectators' point of view. He's not taking into consideration YOUR emotions and thoughts on it, and he obviously doesn't care or respect you anyway if he's pushing you around like that.
I've blogged about this before - the heart and mind being in a disagreement.
I've learned that it's better to follow the mind of course, but what the heart desires, is so hard to fight.Then I remembered this quote from "One Tree Hill": "Give your heart permission to follow your heart."
Sometimes, you just have to "go with the flow" of things.
Life will bring you better things if something goes wrong (:
LIsten to your mind, if you want rational outcomes.
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dating does not get any easier the older you get....at some point you'll figure things out. continue to follow your heart until your mind can make sense of it all. pretty much in a nutshell..
I follow my mind. As much as I would love to follow my heart blindly in situations concerning love, but my mind has never steered me wrong. So if my mind says something's up, I pay attention. I step away from the emotions for a few days, think through what it is my mind's been saying, & assess whether or not the reasons being brought forth are heavy enough to hurt me, him or both of us in the long-run. If I foresee disaster, my mind definitely wins; no matter how much it hurts my heart (&/or his) now, it's nothing compared to how it would hurt later on.
I was in a similar situation. I usually listen to my heart, go the extra mile to make things work. Something I discovered very very recently (within the last couple of weeks) is that all of my efforts to "make things work" was really me changing myself to make my SO happy. He was/is a great guy. He is sweet, sensitive, intelligent, responsible, goofy, gentle, creative... i mean, the list goes on and on. I broke things off on Friday. Why? He's a great guy, and in my mind i'm not too bad myself, but it comes down to it being a bad match. I want to change for the best, but I realized that I was changing who i was to make him happy, and when I realized that I was doing this my mind said "this has to stop."
It's hard when the other person is a great guy/girl. You say to yourself "at what point do these few bad qualities outweigh all of the good ones?" I realized it was at the point when it changed who I was and affected my self confidence. It helped when 4 of my close friends (none of whom know each other) all came to the same conclusion that "he acts like he owns you". That was a huge eye opener for me.
In most areas I'd say follow your heart. But if you are questioning the relationship for months or feel what i felt (a sense of "doom" to the relationship) it's time to start thinking with your head.
Hope it helps
-nyx
Despite the fact that my last relationship wasn't always like this, my exboyfriend and I started hurting each other a lot towards the end of the relationship. I mean, we had been hurting each other all along with our immaturity, mostly him and then I'd take out my grudges on him
but when that finally got all worked out, he started fighting back as if I was still trying to do something...
so in turn he was hurting me constantly, yelling, never wanting to talk things out, etc. and then I broke up with him after a few months of that behavior, but tried to come back because I promised to never give up, just like he promised the same to me. He wouldn't take me back even though I offered to stay with him the way he was. Maybe he was right to not let me come back. He wasn't treating me right and I was just going to resent him more for it. (I still say UGH why didn't you just stop?! but...) Seems like I should have gotten out a while ago... seems like maybe you should too...
if you gave it a fair shot and it's just not feeling right... I think you're free to leave if you want. You didn't ignore your heart.
I used to listen to my heart..but i think it only told me things i wanted to hear.. i think the mind is wiser.
Perhaps listening to both and making sense of the situation..still acknowledging feelings, but with a wise mind.
Sadly, my heart defeats my brain.
I WANT THE BRAIN TO WIN.
But, I can't.
My heart says: Stay.
My brain says: GET THE FUCK OUT.
I feel you.
If you can, listen to your brain.
Fuck your heart.
im in almost the same situation,
but honestly, listen to your heart,
that's what breaks in the end.
This is just by my personal experience, not trying to be a jerk or anything, but:
Get out get out get out get out NOW.Every time this has happened to me, I've drawn out the pain that would have been over quickly had I just ended it as soon as I felt like you are right now. And drawn-out pain is far worse, believe me. If he's not the right guy for you in every way, leave. Don't settle just because you 'love' him. You deserve someone who can make you feel wanted by telling his parents about your relationship. My advice is to break up with him.
I spent almost five years of my life mooning over a guy who didn't deserve me, because I "loved" him and couldn't leave. That was five wasted years of my life, two of those during which my best friend was a beautiful and supportive guy who I would later end up dating. I could've had two more years with him, if I'd just looked around and seen how wonderful he was. Instead I wasted time with this loser guy who didn't love me back. You could be in the same situation - you never know. So I'd say leave. Maybe that's following your mind, but I've always followed my heart, and it's never helped.
Follow your heart.... :/ just be careful
Did you think about showing him this post? Even "accidentally" :) Or through someone else...
*shrugs* First idea that came to mind.