Saturday, 01 May 2010
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A Gift From Your Ex: To Keep or Not to Keep?
When a couple breaks up, they usually pack whatever they can find, put it in a box and give it back to their ex. After all, who really wants those sentimental things staring at us daily to remind us of what used to be that no longer is. But what if it's something you really like or has incorporated into your daily life?
Take my friend S for example; her ex bought her these earrings which she loves and uses it on a daily basis. It was the first time she's ever received jewelry from a guy. When her and her ex broke up, she returned whatever she could but kept the earrings. It doesn't matter if he's going to throw everything out anyways because he can't use half the stuff she's giving back and he's not going to recycle them and give it to his next girlfriend.
Now, the problem is her current man found out the origin of the earrings and he's not too keen on them. He wants S to either give it back to her ex or throw them away. He just doesn't want to see them on her because he feels that she's holding on to her ex.
His reasoning is that if you don't have feelings for that person anymore, why wear or keep something from that person? Do you secretly miss them? Do you miss what you had? Granted S hasn't had contact with her ex in months but apparently it's a sore spot.
So what do you think? Is it okay to keep a gift from an ex or should she just return them or throw them away to keep the peace with her current relationship?
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- From: Utoppia
- About Me: Laughter is contagious and Sarcasm is dangerous. I go by the saying "if you can't take a joke and laugh at yourself, don't diss other people because you're just asking for it."
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Comments (44)
I don't think you should just throw away past relationships. They're part of who you are and it's okay to keep things from someone who meant something to you. If they seriously hurt you and it's something you don't care to keep then sure, toss it. I have things from my past relationship (jewelry box, necklace, harddrive) that are nice/useful so I keep them.
@suggestivetongue@xanga - I agree with that. It's not as if your friend is still clinging to him. She likes the earrings, plain and simple. I've kept things from past boyfriends, and although i don't wear them ("his heart" on a chain and a promise ring... not exactly something to keep ON you) I still like to keep them, because they were good memories and he was a good boyfriend. It doesn't mean that I'm not ready for a new relationship. It's not like she sees the earrings and feels like she's 'with him' or anything. It's a nice pair of earrings. Who cares where she got them from? Do they still talk? I'm guessing this guy is just being oversensitive. But hey, what do I know... I'm a girl.
Honestly, when an ex gives me something it just becomes mine. Sure, they're there somewhere but if we break up they just become my belongings. I have a sweater that I wear all the time and I honestly never think about where I got it until someone asks. Same with pictures or art work exes gave me - they just start blending into the walls. Even if they hurt me.
well. when someone gives me something, it's mine, regardless of me ending up hating them or whatever after the fact. i don't give it back and i think it's stupid to expect her to give it back.
I think she should be able to keep the earrings if she likes them. It's a pair of earrings, come on. If she was sleeping in his T-shirt or something, then they would have a problem.
My ex only ever gave me donut holes for my birthday, so this is pretty much a non-issue for me. I gave her a nice bookmark, and I don't mind that she still has it. I think it's kind of douchey to expect an ex to return all the gifts you gave them.
I'd keep it. Unless it's something he could return and get his money back than I would insist that he takes it back
You shouldn't get rid of a gift just because it is an ex's present. I mean, they are the past, but that doesn't mean that that relationship meant nothing to you, you know?
I think it's perfectly fine to keep a gift from an ex. I kept the bracelet my ex gave me a little bit before we broke up, because I felt it would be rude to just return it. My mother recently told me it wasn't worth very much though haha.
I return things like t-shirts and hoodies that I borrowed from them because it is something they can still use and I don't want to wear it around anymore. However, I don't return things that were Christmas/Birthday gifts. I have a REALLY nice iHome from my ex that I am keeping. On the flip side, I bought him an XBox for Christmas and don't expect it back. So, we are even.
Other things I don't return, but just put away like little drawings or notes. Those will always be special even if they aren't something I want to look at everyday. :)
lol no of course not! i didnt take the hat from my ex gf just cuz she was my gf. i took it because i really liked it.
so when i wear my birth day present hat from my ex, people think im weird, but i think...
hey man its just a hat that i like. who cares if it was from my ex huh? lol
lol i reeember one time, i gave my ex gf a really cool looking magnet thing for her locker cuz i joked about how it wasnt decorated enough xD
after we broke, a few months later i found it in the gym and shattered. sheesh lady if ya didnt want it you couldve given it back you know? lol oh well =P
HAHA, i've kept everything from exes! (except for things that were theirs that they left at my house or whatev) i don't wear the jewelry anymore because i wear the jewelry my current bf buys me... but i figure i should keep that stuff anyway. why would you give it back?! consider it your reward for dealing with this person!! (unless of course you did something heinous to them, like cheated on them..)
after J & I broke up, I put EVERYTHING he ever gave me...& I mean EVERYTHING in a shoebox and shoved it under my bed. the picture of us he gave me for Christmas, the love letter he wrote enitrely out of song lyrics, the stuffed dog from Valentine's Day, his Led Zeppelin tshirt I borrowed, and yes..an unopened can of wild cherry pepsi that had some very strange memories and a strange story attached. haha. The tshirt is the only thing that really I should probably return, but A. I like it, and one day I'll probably be okay with pulling it out & wearing it around again 'cause it's comfy; & B. He stole one of my Rolling Stones T-shirts (the one I really liked too grr) and so I'm gonna hold this one hostage until he offers mine back (which probably won't happen since he refuses to speak to me.) so his loss.
but no, once someone gives you something, it is yours. with the exception of an engagement ring, after a breakup, you have every right to keep all the gifts, especially if you like them. even if you only keep them to throw in a giant theraputic bonfire--they're still YOURS. :)
A gift is a gift.
I'm not real big on returning gifts to exes, most of the time they're not things they can use or need, with the exception of an engagement ring, I have not ever returned gifts from exes. Usually, I stay friends with my exes, and I keep the presents because those people do mean something to me, but not the same something that they used to. I see no harm in her keeping the earrings, in fact, to me, it sounds like she's MORE over the ex than her current boy may think. I don't know about you, but if I'm not over someone, I sure as hell won't be grabbing earrings THEY gave me first. The ability to split the earrings from the giver shows that when she grabs them to wear them, it has little to nothing to do with the ex.. and more to do with the fact that she loves the earrings themselves. I think that shows she IS over him and is being mature about it.
I see no problem with keeping them.
I don't see an issue with it if it's something that's really pretty and that she wears often. Now if it were an engagement ring or promise ring, then OBVIOUSLY that's a problem. But it's just jewelry... I would never throw away or give away something a person gave me, and if their current SO doesn't understand that thinking, maybe they aren't worth the person's time!
This is what I think.
If a person buys a gift for an SO, it is hopefully something that person will like. If it isn't, they're keeping it only for the sake of the giver.
Things like that can be thrown out. If you get a gift you genuinely like, though, you shouldn't get rid of it just because of the person who gave it to you.
Anyway, I feel that it's overdramatic and passive-agressive to pack everything up and send it back. It's like, "oh, you want to break up? Well IN YOUR FACE! Here's everything you gave me, I don't care about you at ALL anymore!" and I don't think that will actually help anyone feel better at all. Well, maybe hiding everything away or getting rid of it will put the heartbreak out of sight... but running away from problems doesn't help much either.
I usually don't give exes back things that they gave to me unless they specifically ask me for it or it's something of theirs I know they want back. I keep t-shirts, hoodies, etc since, in my experience, the things they tossed my way they either didn't really want anymore or didn't wear anymore (well, except in the case of the England sweatshirt I took from one of my exes...I took that purely on principle that he doesn't have an English background and I do xD). If I'm unsure, I do ask if they want their stuff/specific item back before I assimilate it any further into my collection of crap.
I do wish my most recent ex would grow a pair and mail me back all of the DVDs of mine he still has, though. None of them were gifts and it would be nice to watch any of those 10 movies once again...
if an ex is petty enough to ask for all the gifts he gave me, I'll throw them back in his face. otherwise, I'll just dump them in the trash if it was a bad breakup. if it was an amicable breakup, I'll keep some things like a memory box. even if your friend threw the earrings away and not have anymore physical gifts, her bf won't know if she secretly still thinks about her ex from time to time and she can't throw away her thoughts. I would be bothered if my new bf wore a shirt that his ex gave him so I see why her bf is annoyed.
I keep the practical stuff... like clothes. I don't see the point in throwing them out because, well, they ARE useful. But heck, come to think of it, I recently just gave a pair of puma shoes away because my ex bought them for me.... Other things? Cards, letters, the romantic type gifts for whatever occasion... just anything else, I give back or throw out. But, I don't throw everything out right away. I do keep some sentimental items, but once I'm with someone else, I get rid of them completely. I know that my past relationship is part of my life, but I don't want whoever I'm currently with to even get the smallest feeling I'm hanging onto an ex. (I am only speaking for myself, everyone is different) I have memories I can't erase, and for me, that's good enough. Out with the old, in with the new. I think what's most important is cherishing the things your current SO gives you... I know I do.
Funny story... my ex only gave me stupid stuff that he very obviously never put thought into. The kind of thing you get from a convenience store the morning of someone's birthday just so you have something to give (which is exactly what happened... twice. I'd rather have no present at all than a discount ugly teddy bear). By the time I broke up with him, I had already regifted most of his dumb presents. After we broke up, he asked for his gifts back. I couldn't believe it. It made me very glad that I had broken up with him.
I think her new boyfriend needs to trust her when she says she's only wearing the earrings because she likes them NOT because of any lingering feelings. He needs to trust her and get over the earrings' origins. Or he needs to step up and buy her earrings to replace them...as long as they're earrings he knows she'll love.
Just a thought.
-Katie
well i threw away everything that my ex gave me .. EVERYTHING.
@suggestivetongue@xanga - I very much agree.
Your past makes you who you are today. If your friend has the ability to move on that alone should show the new guy that she's already moved on. Have your friend talk to the new guy and let him know it means nothing but she just likes how it looks. Or if your friend really wants to avoid arguing and all that snaz. Have the new guy buy her some new jewelry that she'll like! haha! Problem solved! =X
Anyways take care!~
I can see where the guy is coming from. Gifts can be sentimental, and often times, we hold on to them for that value. However, they can also be just GENIUS, and we may just really love them because they are cute or functional. So, he should lighten up.