Friday, 30 April 2010
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Where to Meet a Guy?
So some of you may remember my post from a while back about how, in an attempt to figure out if a guy liked me, I found myself digging through research articles on flirting signals on Psychinfo. Yeah, good times. Found out that that guy is married, so that's the end of that story.
So basically, my social skills are non-existent, which (I think) is why, at 20, I've never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, and in fact have never even been asked on a date or to be someone's girlfriend. It took until my freshman year of college to get my first kiss, and it was gross and he was just tryng to get into my pants and I actually liked his friend, not him. This is a problem.
I was discussing this with my friend Katrina, who has similar issues. The thing we can't figure out is this: where do you meet people?
The first thing everyone says is "in a bar" but am I really going to be interested in more than a one night stand with a guy I met in a bar? I don't even drink, so I'm not exactly into the party-boy/hang out at a bar types.
Online? I've tried that and it hasn't really worked for me. Guys come on way too strong and way too fast on the Internet and it freaks me out. I did meet one cute guy on the net and we seemed to really hit it off but we never ended up meeting and he slowly stopped answering my messages and then got a girlfriend and that was the end of that.
Meeting a guy in class hasn't really worked for me. For some reason my school is dominated by older, married non-trads (non-traditional students a.k.a not between 18 and 21) and frat boys, neither of which are really what I'm looking for. Most of the guys are dumb, and far more interested in getting trashed than getting a good grade. Most importantly, they are not interested in someone like me.
I've tried hanging out in bookstores or coffee shops, but I've never been approached by anyone there like in the movies (maybe that's the advice I need: stop getting my dating tips from movies haha). I've tried talking to people there or catching someone's eye but it never works.
And clubs or organizations? I was in theater in high school and liked a lot of people there but nothing happened with any of them. I joined the FTA recently so I could potentially meet someone there, but if my past track record is any indication or my love life, then that's quite a stretch.
It all just seems a bit hopeless to me at this point.
Some questions for those who are more adept in this area: Where do you go if you're looking to meet someone new? Where did you meet the last person you dated? How would a person go about looking approachable?
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About the Author
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- From: jenessa1889@xanga
- Name: jenessa1889
- About Me: I've just finished my bachelors in psychology this spring and I started a ph D. program in neuroscience in August. I try to treat everyone with respect and to be open minded to all ideas. I like to think and debate about things, particularly in philosophy and politics. I ask questions a lot. I love to learn. I love anything artistic. I'm very touchy-feely with the people I'm close too. I'm very liberal, but I understand why some conservative ideals exist, even if I don't agree with them. I'm very against drugs (that includes alcohol), but if that were a requirement for all my friends I wouldn’t have any haha. I love life and I find myself moved to tears on a regular basis by simple little things. Sometimes I randomly think of something funny and I have to try really hard not to burst out laughing so I don’t look crazy. I like using big words.
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Comments (106)
They have meetings for everything someone can be addicted to. They have meetings for people who can't stop drinking and meetings for people who can't stop gambling. They have meetings for people who can't help but steal something if even remotely tempted to do so.
They also have meetings for people who can't help but have sex with anyone who shows even remote interest. The answer to all three of your questions is 'go to one of these meetings'.
I go on adventures. I meet people through going wherever there is a crowd, volunteer to meet friends of friends. Try to be social, somehow. Do the things you enjoy though otherwise you tend to meet people without many things in common. Have fun and take a few risks.
I met my first college bf in the lounge. I was sitting there studying and he and his friends came and tried to watch TV there and it didn't work. They invited me to watch a movie with them on the other floor. Eventually, I came down and I started talking to another guy who I found was cute and I donno somehow I started talking to the guy who became my bf. Eventually, we talked and he um flirted with me and we went back and kinda made out. He considered my gf then, even though, we were official the next day...
@SirRob@xanga - hahahahahaha best. answer. ever.
because this was a huge misconception on the original post, let me say this now:
no matter how this post seems to portray me, I do not actually spend the majority of my day pining over someone and wishing I had a date. I do not think I need to be in a relationship, or anything like that, it would just be nice is all. so please don't comment on here and tell me to stop wasting my life/time wishing I had someone, because I already don't do that.
It sounds like you are putting a real effort to get out there - Kudos! (by the way, I'm a psych grad student and LOVED that you used Psychinfo to figure out if someone was flirting with you! haha).
When I was in college, I used to habitually hang out at Barnes and Nobles while doing homework, and more than once, got approached (it never worked out). However, it can be tough to try to meet new people at random places (like bookstores, coffee shops) because, (a) most people there are not looking to meet someone, and may be surprised or uncertain if you come on to them, and (b) you are attempting to start from scratch with someone random/unknown. Maybe try a more conventional approach - use your social circle to meet new people. Try NOT to only hang out with other single girls, but invite couples or guy friends along to social events. You'll probably get a chance to meet new guys that are friends of friends. Good luck!
I'm in the same predicament. I just can't seem to connect with people in my classes. I'll hang out in coffee shops and school lounges, anywhere social and relaxed but I don't really get approached.
Bleh. I need to find friends. lolYou could try lowering your standards. Im just kidding-
Although, you could try being the one who does the approaching. I have a similar problem with that, I sort of hang back and don't jump at every chance that i could have- but that could be very helpful. Coming from a guy's point of view, it'd be totally flattering if a girl approached me. But sadly, guys sort of have that unwritten social obligation of being the initiator, so what can ya do?
I think the coffee shop is a great place (so long as you like coffee) or even the library. Just make laps and browse or float around an area that has your favorite genre's and If you see a guy, say something. And you can always make up a question for an easier ice-breaker....
For example: "Hi, do you know where I can find the "Sports and Explosions" section?" *batting eye-lashes*
I guarantee you will get a positive reaction ;)
the last girl I met was while I was at the Hot Springs with some friends...we later went and got coffee and it eventually didn't result in further dating.
@That_Book_Guy@xanga - "sports and explosions" might be the most awesome section of the library ever hahahahaha
@MangoWOW@xanga - I feel you.
@That_Book_Guy@xanga - I don't mean to sound retarded, but you can do that?? I mean, a guy would really like a girl to approach him? What do guys think of a girl that approaches them? I'm the kind of girl that would like to do that, since I am a rather bold person. I just didn't think guys liked that sort of thing.
u dont have to do all these stuff purposely!!!
just be urself:) im srs!
attend dancing class, maybe do something make urself feel better and more confident!!!
u dont need to search for guys!
Community service, if that's your kind of thing. I've met a lot of people just doing what I like,. Or maybe it's not the place that is the problem.
Go to Temple.
meet lots of neuro geeks like yourself =].
there are plenty of us around.
or biopsych. which ever you prefer to be called.
being approachable starts with you. if you're open up yourself (be more friendly), you'll attract people into your life. usually smiling tends to do the trick. people want to associate themselves with fun happy people rather than cold strict uptight people. and people tend to gauge other's body language before deciding whether to acquaint with someone, if a person looks cold, chances are they won't bother trying. now i'm not saying you're a cold person, and i'm not saying you don't smile, maybe you do smile but you don't smile enough, maybe the way you smiles isn't as effective as you think, maybe it's not you and it's them.
smiling is important in initiating conversation. for example, when i was at the bank today, the bank teller gave me a huge smile, i smiled back and we just started talking about how busy the bank is, how we were doing, how the weather was, etc. sure, it's standard procedure to smile and make small talk, but if she wasn't smiling and i didn't smile, chances are no one is going to attempt to initiate an enjoyable conversation. instead, it'll be more serviced like conversation: "hi what can i do for you today? did you want 10s or 20s? have a nice day!" but with the smile, everything opens up. even if there's no intention of dating that person.
i can tell you how i approached the girl i like, she was at the bus stop. i saw her and she saw me, her eyes followed me, and by the time i was close, i smiled and i said hi. and then we just started talking. btw, she was in the same class as me, just that we sit at different area in the classroom.
Just because the male students don't seem to have interest, doesn't mean they don't. When you're going to a school with non-traditional students, like me, Everyone believes that introducing themselves is not of the norm- especially at a community college. So after the term has ended, and everybody left saying goodbye- with no endeavor to keep in contact.. I took a chance to add some old classmate on Myspace.
You just have to Really step up your game and NOT let any of those guys slip by. You never know, they just might think you're interesting too. First impressions don't always count either.
It's just fate, you can't really choose a place and expect to find a mate. Sometimes you come up empty. I say just stop putting so much effort into it. It will happen when it happens.
I don't go looking, all I do is make myself look cute but casual and approachable, not dressed up like going to a party, and they magically make their way towards me. I was browsing the bookstore's philosophy section, then all of a sudden this cute nerd sat down on the floor in an indian style position reading his book next to me
we didn't talk, just minded our own business and stared at each other from the corner of our eyes
lol then I got up and went in line to pay for my book when I noticed that he was lingering nearby, probably regretting not talking to me when I was right next to him, because then I walked out the door and out of his life forever
I wasn't looking to meet anyone so I didn't initiate the conversation or flirt with him. it was a cute moment lol I dressed like a skater girl geek and he dressed like a skater punk too so I think that's why he felt comfortable to sit next to me. maybe he just wanted some silent book reading company and not looking to meet someone either. I met some guys when I was in college when we had to find people for peer evaluation of each others' assignments so I began talking to this tall guy that resembled david blaine due to school work and nothing blossomed from that because he was shy but that's how I met guys. these guys dance with me when I go to dance clubs and ask my friends and I to hang out with them at other after hour clubs, but I don't give them my number even if they're cute because they seem creepy. I think if you look friendly and approachable, then soon randomly they'll talk to you. I'm usually not looking to date anyone and it is ironic that when I'm not looking, they appear and want to pursue me. I think because I'm a flirty person.
wait, by FTA do you mean for the alliance?
because if so i'll buy you dinner. no lie.
@robbiearnold@xanga - it stands for free thought alliance. is that what you mean?
@robbiearnold@xanga - haha i just looked up 'for the alliance" no i'm not into world of warcraft sadly, though I am into a lot of other video games.
I would totally say hi to you
Are you into Asians?
@jenessa1889@xanga - damn! it was close though! (i.e. it had the word alliance in it).
@sparkletone1684@xanga - i dig it. bold girls are the best. not because its unique per se. but because i'm just a believer if you want to know more about something, you should go for it!
One word for you... church.
Hahaha